Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013: A year in review

It's hard to believe I am even here sitting down to summarize 2013. This year has flown more then the previous few years.

In January, we spent some old fashioned quality time together as a family going bowling. I still suck and Jake still talks about how much he loves bowling.  We also went through a tough spot with Jake. I didn't think we would ever make it out of the 3's all in one piece, but we did and 4's is so much fun.

In February, we experienced sickness after sickness after sickness, first febrile seizures, and I got a life lesson from God.  I also went on a Mommy-Jake date and it was so much fun to have some special time with him. He looked so cute.

In March, we closed on our new house and prepared to make many new family memories. I had a breakdown after closing not realizing how much this big step made me miss Daniel so much. I also took the time to deactivate my Facebook account and focus on more real time. 

In April, I began a journey towards a new kind of peace and learning more about my little family. I experienced God on a deeply personal and very tangible level. I began to understand the love of family so much more and the men tried their hand at eating smores. 

In May, we had much to celebrate. Jake turned 4, Mother's Day drew upon us again and Mason made his first visit to Missouri. We also had the fun privilege of getting to watch our Chickens grow and enjoy the weather. And I not so patiently waited for them to start the egg laying process.

In June, Andrew turned 2. Ryan went above and beyond to make our boys smile, and I revisited Job again. This time, gleaning so much more. 

In July, my Grams came to visit, Jake experienced fireworks from behind a glass door and Andrew gave us the funniest video to date. We also marked a 2 year milestone and had to talk about some ugly stuff. But, like always, we came out stronger because God is always on our side. 

In August, my Dad turned 50, I celebrated 28 and Jake started Pre K. 

In September, a new pet found it's way to us, old friends and birthday buddies came to visit and Jake started Taekwondo. I also reflected on 9/11.

In October, I had 2 superheros, the Chickens started laying, we made our annual trip to The Great Pumpkin Patch with life friends, and I continued learning about the importance of family. 

In November,  I experienced falling leaves on 3.5 acres and Mase celebrated turning 1.

In December, I celebrated Daniel's 6th birthday in Church. I cried-hard. It was a deep, painful cry that, once finished, renewed me. Christmas was one of the best I have had in awhile. It gave me hope that the season didn't always have to be so hard. I reflected on family, rejoiced in the love we all have for one another, and watched Jake begin to understand what the meaning of the season was about. His favorite part was still the presents :)

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Happy 6th birthday, Daniel

I am struggling to write this letter, Bubby. It's hard when I think I am passing through another birthday with you; one that totals the amount of birthdays I did get to have with you. I miss you. A lot. It's not really even a miss of things that I am missing out on. It's more a miss of the things I know I would have taken for granted. Like how tall you would be now. Watching you get ready for school or interact with your brothers or cleaning up after you and doing your laundry. Sometimes I struggle with feeling cheated and not wanting to wish you back at the same time. It is in my heart that I know you possess a joy right now that is even beyond my comprehension. And that a birthday in Heaven must rock. So, it's in those moments where I reach deep inside and find small snatches of your presence here. 
Your eyes are in Andrew. Your memories are in Jake. You gave me my roses in my car when I felt so far away from you.  You are in every single song I hear singing of God. In your daddy's love for his children. In sitting near Grandpa and Grandma in church. In each picture that passes through my frame at work; bringing back so many good memories. You are there in the moments when I share opening and closing the garage door with your brothers. When I watch Jake pour over an Autotrader the same way your poured over the garage door manual. You are in my heart. In my words when I type. You are in my testimony to how great a God I have. You are in my prayers.  You are in each "like" on Facebook; continuing to show that while you may be gone from here, you are still real. You are in each egg I eat and sip of tea I drink. Just remembering all the times you dumped it onto your floor. You are there each time I get ready for work. Sitting there watching me and wanting to try my make up. You are in the monkeys on Andrew's bed and the football in Jake's room. You are there with each candle I light. You are sharing Christmas with us, placed on our tree. And you will be in each person closet to me today while we all remember how special you are on your special day. You have taught me so much, baby, and becoming your Mother was the greatest gift I have ever received.
I love you very much. happy 6th, birthday, sweet boy.