I've held 41 week babies. I've held 38 week babies. 27 week babies. 23 weeks. 13 weeks. Today, I held a 5 week gestation baby.  

It left me feeling so insignificantly small. Notwithstanding the way it got into my hands, it was the most beautiful, most mesmerizing, most miraculous image.  The complexity, the strands of DNA that strummed together to form this perfect little person, enveloped in it's protective barrier, how can anyone look at this and doubt God? Doubt life? I only wish people could experience the gifts of life I have witnessed and been a part of.With my own eyes, I saw the spot of red where it's little heart had drummed. 

Red.

The color that symbolizes life and love. 

It put me in a whole different place today. So, when Jacob started talking about Daniel being able to go to school with him "since Daniel didn't have one and Daniel was his friend and we shouldn't play with guns, unless it's toy guns, and it hurt his ears when he and Daniel were playing in Mommy and Daddy's room and he was sitting next to Daddy but was sad because Mommy wasn't at the house and he really wanted to see me but had to sit next to the policemen" I could handle his truthfulness. My heart was tuned to the grace of God. My heart was tuned to the love of life and the care and home He has given us to those that believe in Him. And I was ok talking with Jake. It hurt, but the reminder that life is strong and delicate and so much more then what we make of it here on Earth, kept me grounded. To be able to speak so matter of factly and know that Heaven is a real place to go after death; I was envious of Jacob's perspective. And thankful that I can have the ability to share that death doesn't have to be this horrible end, but a beautiful beginning to something I can only dream of now. 

I pray that I can continue to honor the faint line between life and death and that my children have a deep respect for the sanctity of life; whether it be in the image of their brother or in the sac of a 5 week baby. 

This past week

Things I have learned this past week:

 

If one person in our house of gets sick, no amount of cleaning, disinfecting and Clorox wipes are going to prevent the others from getting sick as well.

 

If it wasn't for my online Bible study, I probably would not have opened my Bible this week. It's been that kind of week. Praising God again for this group of ladies.

 

Ryan is so generous. And knows me fairly well :)

 

Jake and insomnia can be pretty funny.

 

I now know my breaking point at work. It involves the giggling and immature actions over a potentially unfunny situation. I am still working on forgiveness.

 

Deleting the Facebook app on my phone literally felt like a release of stress. Weird.

 

Again I am stunned to see the resemblance of Daniel and Andrew. And the subtle ways Daniel pops up in Jake, as well.

 

Febrile seizures occuring after the age of 3 can still happen, but are rare. Jake has now had 2.

 

Seeing your husband sit in the the ER with you and hearing him exclaim something normal would be so nice once in awhile would make you just want to cry.

 

Going back to the ER for a child with incredible stomach pain and no urination for over 24 hours did make me cry.

 

Seeing the xray of an incredible amount of gas and no obstruction made me smile, get angry at the ER fee-2 in 24 hours!-and pray I don't see the inside of the ER the rest of the year.

 

Jacob has grown up so much. They way he talks, the way he acts when we're out and about. All of a sudden, he's become this little boy and shed his toddler appearance.

 

A glass of chocolate milk is delicious when a day has been stressful

As difficult as it is starting to feel not having our own space still, I know deep in my heart that God is planning it all perfectly for the home we've been patiently waiting for