Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Sweet dreamer

Back in high school I had this stint where I was middy obsessed with interpreting dreams.  I had a book and everything.  I remember once during a science class, a friend and I interpreted a dream of hers and it was pretty spot on. I never put a ton of thought into why we dream what we do; a lot of times I figured it was mostly formed from the days events, but it was still fun to see what it could potentially mean. I think my interest in interpretation lasted a year, tops, and then I moved on to more fun things.

This past week, I was bathing the boys and thinking of Daniel and remembering a dream I had of him the previous week.  Obviously, I cherish any dream I can manage to receive when he is in it and often times I think back to them because of how much they mean to me.  It was while I was sitting there, getting splashed on, of course, when I realized each time I have had a dream-excluding one because I think the dream I had was more for Ryan's benefit than mine in my subconscious-Daniel is wearing a red shirt. And  in my dreams, I focus on the shirt a lot. And my last particular dream was so, so..real.  And by real, I mean I woke up thinking I was still holding him in my arms because I could still feel the heaviness of his body as I lay in bed with a huge serene smile on my face.  So, it got me thinking; what does red mean in terms of dreams?  And not just a dream, but a spiritual one because when it's a dream concerning Daniel I cannot think that it isn't sent from above.   Believe me when I constantly pray that I can dream of him, but it's only at certain times that he shows up; and it's usually during a more difficult time for me.  

So, I did some googling.  Nothing incredibly hard core; because there are some sites that are heavy in interpreting the tiniest detail.  And this last dream was just a black background and him in red so what else was there to look into?  It turns out that red can have positive and negative interpretations depending on the base of what you're dreaming about.  Dreaming of Daniel is obviously not negative for me so I focused on the positive red meanings.  Most sites were pretty unanimous that red symbolizes love and life and redemption.  And in case you don't really get how huge and significant it is that Daniel is wearing red; red signifies love, life and redemption.  Daniel has God wrapped all around him.  Daniel has life.  Daniel is loved; not just by me, but by God.  Jesus died and shed His blood to cover us so that we're redeemed; so that when we die we can live with and in Him.  And He is using my special little boy to reach me on such a deep level because He loves me and hears my hurting Mother heart and wants to renew my strength and joy for this life. And to remind me of His love.  I tell you what, John 16:33 is, like, the verse for me at this moment in time.  My only peace is in Him.  This world throws some pretty heavy punches at me and grief just plain sucks me down, but He has overcome the world.  His strength renews my spirit and sending Daniel to me is like a coveted promise of peace and hope.  

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
remember you're not're coming here to me.

Ruth Ann Mahaffey (author)
©Copyright 1998

Monday, April 23, 2012

I've got, like, 2 posts that I want to write but I worked all weekend and work the next 2 so time is short at the moment.  For now, I leave you with this:

My little green lantern

Monday, April 16, 2012

Memories meant to be cherished. Solo time with Mommy and Daddy watching the rain.  I love this kid.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Radical Revamp

The weather these past few days have been unpredictable; stormy at times and sun rays poking throughout the heavy clouds the next. As I sit here reflecting on Sunday school and Pastor Mark's sermon and listening to the wind blow through tree branches and leaves, my heart feels restless..and serene at the same moment; much like this crazy weather that has touched down. My heart is beating fast for the changes taking place spiritually in me but I am calmed listening to the music of the wind.
When I woke this morning I was not aware of the words and decisions God would purpose on my heart; but my, oh my, did I get a glimpse of the uglier side of me today. The sinful, can't let go of full reign in my life, side of me. The controlling, best way is my way sin of me. I saw where I have been and where I still need to go with my relationship with God today. I saw that I have some aspects of my life that God can completely take over and there are some where I still think I know what's best for me. It was a hit you in the gut, dirty awakening kind of Sunday School today. Even as we were discussing what it means to relinquish ourselves over to Him, what it means to stop living a passive life and gain LIFE with Him, I literally had tears in my eyes because I couldn't just give it over; I was fighting so hard it was literally pouring out of me. I may have changed in a million and one ways over the course of this past year, but I am still in bondage, wrapped around myself, holding tight to my way.
I am a controller. I was awakened to myself and I was not liking what I was seeing. I realized so much of my discontent stems from my need to micromanage every aspect of my life, and subsequently, others-and other situations- around me. It is time for me to trust Him in all aspects, not just the ones I think He can control. Lord knows (oh man, does He know) how tangled, angry, disheartened, and crazed I can get when situations and people don't work out on my time. It is time for it to stop. It is time to change from the very core of me out. For real.
I prayed a prayer that God would take my control away, release me from myself, help me give over what I rightly don't have control over and what He rightly does. Help me listen and absorb His words to work on what I can and realize when to step back and let Him move forward. Help me accept whatever the outcome and to always remember that He is working on the greater good of me, even when I cannot see it. And I thanked Him for all the special people in my Sunday School that can rally around one another even when we look ugly.

Friday, April 6, 2012

My cup runneth over

A great and endearing woman told me tonight in the midst of my breakdown, at work no less, that sometimes with grief, you can carry on for so long until you just can't anymore and it all spills out.  That resonated so much with me.  I feel like this past week I've been on such a slippery slope.  I'm trying to grasp on to something normal, but really, what's normal in my life anymore?  Not me.
I don't know if it's the Easter holiday that is shaking me, all the stress of the house or the fact that I stopped to think the other day that Daniel will forever be 3 in my mind and I don't know what a 4 year old Daniel would look like or act like.  Maybe it's all of it.  How is it possible that I felt like I had it more together in the weeks after Daniel died then I do now?  Is it because time stood still-for me- at that moment and all I allowed into my heart and time was God's grace, His presence and the bonding of my family?  And now, I cannot have time stop like that because life does move on, things come up, responsibilities have to be conquered.  
A beautiful friend mentioned gently to me that maybe I'm hardest on myself.  I've been angry at my circumstances this week and I've been trying hard to be "normal" and I haven't acknowledged what I'm feeling deep in my heart.  I don't have to be strong all the time.  I don't have to try to find the good in everything because by not accepting what I am feeling and not working through what I'm experiencing, I'm glossing over validated emotions.  I have to ask why so I can search for His comfort.  And sometimes I have to be raw and open and honest with myself before I can concede that I cannot do this on my own.  I realized I can lie to myself a lot.  I can trick myself into thinking I can move on, act fine.  Tonight has shown me what a farce I am to myself.  There is absolutely no part in any of this process that I can conquer on my own.  I need support and I have to be willing to accept it, ask for it and embrace it.
A support group is fastly becoming more of a reality for me.  Before, I couldn't handle hearing others; their stories, their heartache, because where in my grieving heart would I put it? But now, I need to know how I can do this.  How people have done this.  I'm tired of hitting rock bottom and having to climb back out.  I'm beaten down...but I am not abandoned.  And I can feel that tonight.

...Let light shine out of darkness...
I are hard pressed on every side, but [I am] not crushed; [I am] perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but [I am] not abandoned; [I am] struck down, but [I am] not destroyed

I am still here somewhere under all of this mess, and I will come out victorious.

Here on earth I will have many trials and sorrows. But I take heart, because He has overcome the world.