Monday, June 24, 2013


It's been almost 2 years and I still find myself hurting, grieving and learning from my loss. Possibly most importantly, is the strength building in my soul. Like a muscle being tested and stretched, so is my heart and spiritual being, being worked on, molded, made stronger. 
With the hallmark of grief there are definitely days, sometimes a week, where  the weight of what happened sits more heavily on me. 
It's in the recalling from Jake over the events; a conversation I am only to bear witness to as he has never, to my knowledge, mentioned his memories to anyone else. I've long given up the feeling of absolute sadness when this happens; I know I'm probably best capable of listening and letting him talk it out. But it does often feel like a burden I cannot carry all my own and I find myself silently praying God gives me the right way to answer Jake. So far, it's been ok. I just try to answer in a way that a 4 year old can grasp and pray these conversations help later when bigger questions are being asked. 
It's dates that are nearing that tug on my emotions. It's the ages of Jake and Andrew this year that resemble 2 years ago. The upcoming 4th of July. Where 2 years ago we celebrated with fireworks and Daniel picking out the best one of the night.
So, in all of what's been happening it does not go unnoticed when I dream of consoling a women in grief and all of a sudden Jesus and Daniel appear in the brightest light I've ever seen sitting atop the clouds and Daniel walking down stairs away from Jesus with another dark haired girl. I woke myself up saying Jesus and Daniel and still squinting from the light. Nor, does it not escape my attention when I finally get to a Sunday at church and the topic is Job and my daily reading plan starts Job today. There must be something in all of this that I've yet to grasp. Something that gives more hope in a wounding loss. Pleas pray that what needs to be revealed I understand. Please pray that in the upcoming month I have a strength not of this world to get through some important events. And always know that in the end I will always come out of all of this victorious because I have God guiding my way.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Jake is 4

Jake at 3

Jake turned 4 May 14 and I must say his 3 to 4 was much faster than his 2 to 3.  Jake as a 4 year old is hard to believe. I still very much see him as a little brother, a little 2 year old, and to see his little boy changes, his big boy thoughts and his Jake specific personality erupt sometimes blows my Momma mind.

You are my beautiful curly haired middle child. So unlike your older and younger brother; in both personality and physical appearance. Your little features are so much softer and out of all of you boys, you resemble me the most. (But I am so very thankful someone got Daddy's curls.)  You're not just softer in appearance, but also in heart. My rough and tumble boy has been replaced with a little guy who has legitimate fears now (big dogs, loud noises, the dark). While it makes me sad to watch your child like fearlessness be replaced with a more adult like fear, it does give us a chance to learn that God can protect and be with you in any circumstance. I pray you are especially learning this when we talk of Daniel. You've made it known this year on a few occasions that you have memory of what happened and its all I can do to pray that God is leading me to say exactly what needs to be said about death and dying and Heaven. I can only hope that your very real and personal experiences shape you into a man who fears no human troubles and that you have a heart for God. My only true wish is that you can see that in our loss of Daniel we, as a family, have gained so much life in the midst of our sadness. You specifically mend our hearts with your memories.  In your 4 year old way, you are starting to put together that God isn't just something I talk about, but that He is a very real person. You are starting to recognize and voice that God made what we see. One of the activities we play in the car is I ask you if God is in such and such place, and you voice that He is. I hope that you can start to see that God is everywhere and anywhere.
As if more changes could even be possible, year 3 had a lot you had to get used to. Moving, sharing your time, daycare; it was a lot and sometimes you had trouble with your attitude. I think you were just able to express some of what we all wanted to do. The biggest change, I think, is your newfound love for academics. You LOVE to write, learn new words and are so good at recognizing words. You know many from memory, you can count to 100 and know so many shapes. You really like to play matching games, too. And you just recently started coloring in the lines. 
You play make believe. At any time you can be Spiderman, Ironman or Venom. Or you can be riding your bike and have to "go to the store".  You and your brother are starting to play along better now. I would never have thought 25 months apart would be such a bridge between you and Andrew, but now that Andrew is catching up in understanding, it's fun to see the 2 of you interact. And fight. Siblings at their best. Luckily, Andrew is still young enough to want to play with just about anything because you have a habit of switching toys on one another when you get bored.
You officially became pull up free right before you turned 4. Thank goodness. I am so tired of buying diapers :)
You finally sat in Grom's Mustang this year and the noise didn't bother you at all. In fact, you very much enjoyed yourself. It was so funny to see your face.
You also stopped saying "ooshlag" for soda this year. Daddy and I were truly sorry to see that one go. We still have no idea where that came from.

So far, 4 years has been my favorite to date. You are becoming such a little boy and it's refreshing to talk to you in a way that isn't on a toddler level. Soon you will be starting soccer shots and VBS and getting ready for big kids school in a year, and I will wonder where this year went. Until then, I am going to enjoy getting the extra hugs at bedtime (even when I just really want you to go to bed because I am dead on my feet) watch you take control over Andrew like a big brother (I love that you count to 3 when he's not listening now :) and genuinely listen to you prattle on about nothing and everything in the car. I love you, sweet man. Always.

What is your favorite number?  
Who are your friends? 
Addison, Reed, Marlee, James, Cooper, Nolan
What is your favorite toy? 
What is your favorite food?  
Pizza, eggs, PB toast
Green (and then he said Red, White and Blue. 'Merica ;)
What is your favorite thing to play outside? 
What is your favorite car? 
What is your favorite book? 
The Jesus storybook bible
What is your favorite animal? 
What do you want to do when you grow up? 
Go big kids school and be a race car driver
What is your favorite thing to do at school? 
Play games
Who are your favorite teachers? 
Ms Laura and Ms Katie

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Daddy of the year

As the boys and I were leaving this morning I noticed several baby frogs by the door. Before I could catch one for Jake they had hidden themselves in between the brick walk way. Jake has been determined to use his bug box he got as a birthday gift from Grandma, and quickly ran inside to get it and try and catch the baby frogs. We were running behind as it was and I told him we'd have to wait until this evening to find some more. As I was driving in to drop off the boys and head into work, Ryan sent me a text and said he had caught 3 for Jake and put them in his bug box. Those little buggers are smaller than a quarter and Ryan had gone hunting to find a few for Jake; just so he could have something in his bug box. There are many things my husband has done that make me so proud to call him my other half but getting that text this morning was one of the sweetest things ever. Especially since Ryan is on 3-11 and I know he's exhausted. I've almost been married to this man 6 years (Sunday!) and each year I just fall more in love with him watching him father our boys, take care of family and take care of me.