It's been almost 2 years and I still find myself hurting, grieving and learning from my loss. Possibly most importantly, is the strength building in my soul. Like a muscle being tested and stretched, so is my heart and spiritual being, being worked on, molded, made stronger.
With the hallmark of grief there are definitely days, sometimes a week, where the weight of what happened sits more heavily on me.
It's in the recalling from Jake over the events; a conversation I am only to bear witness to as he has never, to my knowledge, mentioned his memories to anyone else. I've long given up the feeling of absolute sadness when this happens; I know I'm probably best capable of listening and letting him talk it out. But it does often feel like a burden I cannot carry all my own and I find myself silently praying God gives me the right way to answer Jake. So far, it's been ok. I just try to answer in a way that a 4 year old can grasp and pray these conversations help later when bigger questions are being asked.
It's dates that are nearing that tug on my emotions. It's the ages of Jake and Andrew this year that resemble 2 years ago. The upcoming 4th of July. Where 2 years ago we celebrated with fireworks and Daniel picking out the best one of the night.
So, in all of what's been happening it does not go unnoticed when I dream of consoling a women in grief and all of a sudden Jesus and Daniel appear in the brightest light I've ever seen sitting atop the clouds and Daniel walking down stairs away from Jesus with another dark haired girl. I woke myself up saying Jesus and Daniel and still squinting from the light. Nor, does it not escape my attention when I finally get to a Sunday at church and the topic is Job and my daily reading plan starts Job today. There must be something in all of this that I've yet to grasp. Something that gives more hope in a wounding loss. Pleas pray that what needs to be revealed I understand. Please pray that in the upcoming month I have a strength not of this world to get through some important events. And always know that in the end I will always come out of all of this victorious because I have God guiding my way.