A Pair of Shoes

"A Pair of Shoes”
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not
theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

A picture is worth a thousand words.  A picture is made up of a million feelings.  A picture can evoke long ago memories.  A picture can make you smile, cry, cringe, laugh, embarrass, reflect. A picture can break your heart and then sew it up tight.  A picture can change the course of your entire life.  A picture can tell your story.

I made myself purposely look at a picture of Daniel last night.  It's amazing how you can gloss over something so well so it doesn't make you sad.  I look at pictures all the time, but rarely do I really look at Daniel's pictures.  It hurts.  But last night, last night I needed to look at my boy.  I needed to remember that face, cue up long ago memories-as much as it did hurt to do.  I needed a reminder of why I am still living, why I still go on loving, still worshiping, still making sure Daniel isn't forgotten.  I needed to remember for me, for Ryan and for Jake and Andrew.  To remember Daniel still is very much a part of my life even when he isn't by my side.  

My pictures remind me life is precious and sacred.  My pictures remind me my 3.5 years with Daniel don't even touch the blessed eternity I get to spend with him.  But it does make those years seem so much sweeter.  My pictures remind me I have little pieces of Daniel near my heart in the shape of his brothers and daddy.  My pictures will continue his legacy and bond my family. My pictures make me smile and cry but fill me with love.

A picture is sacrifice, tears, laughter, hope, longing, relationships, bittersweet, purpose, life.
His life.

Goal Met!

In a little over 7 months we have met our goal!!  Sometime soon the dog park pet will be placed in Eise Park in memory of Daniel.  I cannot thank enough the people that contributed, prayed, and sweated over organizing so many fundraisers for collecting the money.  It's humbling, loving and sad all at time same time.  And please, it's ok for me to be a little sad over it; I think anyone who participated may be.  It's never easy to think why we began this beautiful memory of Daniel in the first place. But the joy of seeing that park pet and remembering such a loving, fun, sweet, intriguing little boy does ease that pain for sure.  There is so so so so much thanks tonight.  

Prayer personified

Ever since I've been back at work since Daniel's accident it's always been an irrational fear that I would someday get a patient that would know the story.  It's one thing if I choose to share information, it is quite another if someone formulates an opinion based on the news.  This past week, I met that fear.

Except, it was so completely different than what I ever imagined in my head.  I work on a Labor and Delivery floor, I have pictures of my boys on my badge. I obviously get the "how many kids to you have/how old are they?" question often.  Generally I say my youngest is x many months and I have 3.  I get tripped when moms inquire about all of their ages.  Occasionally, I will say Daniel would have been 4.5 years old.  A lot pry often and ask what happened.  Ugh.  Whatever.  Anyway, this past week, I got a mom who inquired further and this particular mom just said, "I'm sorry" with no other need to know what happened.  It was so wonderful.  And so sincere.  But it wasn't until the end of my shift that she said, a little quietly, she was part of a group that prayed for us; and asked if I was the one with the blog.  A wave of emotions overcame me.  This mom knew my story; this mom prayed for me without actually knowing who I was and we got to meet.  I don't even know if I can describe in words what it meant to come face to face with my fear and have God's mercy all over it.  All along I imagined this horrible confrontation about my skills as a mom and as a nurse caring for mom/baby and what really happens is love; a caring mother that reached out to the Lord on my behalf and prayed for us.  I don't know if she will ever really know what it meant to me, but it was the best night at work that I have had in a long time.  I am still reeling over it.  

He tends his flock like a shepherd: 
    He gathers the lambs in his arms 
and carries them close to his heart

Isaiah 40:11

A 3 year old

Finally! Finally! Finally!  Jake is 3!  I know when my little babes are growing up, it goes by so fast, but seriously, Jake was 2 for forever. Forever.  His second year was not so hot and I look forward to seeing what my Jake will become in year 3.  

Jake...is Jake.  If you know him personally, you know what I mean.  This little boy has come into his own so much this past year.  He loves to make faces in the mirror-and dance in the mirror-and look at his clothes in the mirror.  He loves Jake :)  He is the goofiest little kid I have ever seen-and the sweetest.  But, man, oh man, does he have a temper.  Luckily, that doesn't rear itself very often.  Jake is aggressive, hard playing, rough and tumbling and so gentle with [other, not his brother] babies.  He loves to learn and play puzzles on the kindle and count and draw shapes with help.  He can make friends with most anyone, but can just as easily entertain himself alone.  

This little boy has been such a light in my life.  I was so afraid what was going to happen to him when Daniel left this Earth, but he has shown me so much about unconditional love and growth.  

I saw this on pinterest (of course) and from now until they are 18, I will ask them these questions.  Because I am a sap and love tradition :)  The book layout has yet to be figured out.

3 year old Jake:

What is your favorite number? 3

Who are your best friends? Caden, AJ and Karen

What is your favorite toy?  Hotwheels

What is your favorite food? Cupcakes

What is your favorite color? Green

What is your favorite thing to play outside?  Slides

What is your favorite car?  Hotwheels (but I am pretty sure it's a Mustang)

What is your favorite book?  Bible book

What is your favorite animal?  Horsey

What do you want to be when you grow up?  He didn't answer; I guess he didn't get it :)

It's been an emotional week.  Frankly, I am so worn out from crying and grieving and missing Daniel that I don't even want to discuss it anymore.  But, I will say this; I have felt such an embrace by so many people who have been understanding of my situation even while I am in the middle of this mess of a week and barely understanding myself.  And Ryan.  For just being there and giving me time to talk and then giving me a sense of a normal night. And for the grace and peace of God.  Only He knows just how many times I have cried out for a break.  One more "first" to get through before the next hits. None tells you how exhausting it is to make it through another day sometimes.

I have suffered much, O Lord; 

restore my life again as you promised.

Psalm 119:107

I will never fail you.

I will never abandon you.

Hebrews 13:5

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  In the middle of my breakdown my Mom, in a loving and caring but truthful way, sobered me up big time by reminding me I still have two boys with me to celebrate with.  It's not like I ever forget they're there-they're my light-but I get so consumed with what I'm missing that it clouds what I have right in front of me.  And what I have right in front of me are two very beautiful reminders of God's love for me and of Daniel's legacy.  Tomorrow I will grieve not having Daniel by my side, I will spend some time visiting his spot and having some Mommy time with him, but, most importantly, I will celebrate all three of my boys and give thanks for this incredibly special gift I have been given.  

A call out

All day today I have had this feeling of unease in the pit of my stomach and I cannot seem to shake it.  I don't know what it's of concern to and it doesn't make me feel good.  I'm just praying for relief and a sense of direction and peace to mange and get over this restlessness.  It would be great if you could help me too.  

Trying really hard to reflect over Isaiah 26:3-4 and enjoy the weather and my babes.