Monday, August 27, 2012

Photos from the phone-Monday edition

I posted this on friday because it was weighing heavy on my mind and after talking to some great people in my life this weekend and listening to the final installment about the fruits of the spirit in church, I have new perspective on my current stresses and feel recharged to tackle life.  I also realized I never did finish my post on joy versus happiness.  I think I'll start that at the end of this week.  I still am debating whether I need medication to help with my anxiety/mood stabilizing so if anyone has experiences or information concerning if they've ever needed medication to help with mood and anxiety please let me know.  I've looked into it a tad bit but I think I want to try a few holistic approaches, but I would love more information.  Does chiropractic work help for stress?  
But enough of the heavy; here are some pics of my little bits of God given joy :)

Oh, and this little nugget of truth

Thursday, August 23, 2012

It is what it is for today. Tomorrow starts fresh.

I zoomed in on pictures tonight just so I could feel closer to you. I miss you so much. I wish there were more words to accurately convey just how much I miss you. How I wish I could see you with your brothers. Hold your hand. Kiss your cheek. Run my fingers through your hair.  
It was never promised this would be easy. An ugly, hidden, dark truth? Sometimes it feels as if my life with you didn't happen.  On my worst days it feels like that.  It's shameful to even admit that.  And those days are hard to come back from because deep down, I know that I shared an incredible time with you; it just gets harder to feel the farther I move away from those days.  It doesn't help that I have another year of hard decisions to make.
I was once told the second year is harder; and in some ways, yeah.  The veil has lifted and time marches on and I have to reconstruct another life.  A new life that has no blueprints.  At least in my old life, the foundation was laid; raise 3 kids, help them achieve their dreams, learn about God, and spend time with my husband building a marriage.  But this?  I don't know.  Pieces of me are laid out but fitting them together takes a lot of time and energy.  It's a day like today that leaves me so drained I have difficulty focusing on the task at hand.  It's days like today I find myself begging God to leave me some clue about what this all means.  It's days like today that I need to write to drain myself of this grief to open myself to His wisdom because I just cant hear anything.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Good bye house

In lieu of photos from the phone I'm posting pictures that center around the old house. We closed today. It's just kind of done. No ending, no last meal, no final sleep; just a quiet walk through by myself. I glanced into Daniel/Andrew's room and took a moment to imagine where cribs were placed and later toddler beds and all the spots Daniel and Jake emptied out food/soap/powder onto the floor. Where cars and Fischer price garages were placed and Toy Story stickers adorned the wall. I stepped into Jake's room to remember taking down those awful racks to turn it into a bedroom for him, tucking him in to bed and reading books. I stepped into our bedroom and quickly glanced down and thanked God that would be the last time I would have to pass through. I remembered crowding into the bed and hanging out as a family, writing in my pregnancy journals for all the boys, late night talking with Ryan. The kitchen were Ryan cooked so many delicious meals, the living room where my water broke with Daniel, where our Christmas tree sat, where Andrew took some of his first steps, the last place I took a picture of all 3 of the boys.  Where Ryan and I reconstructed what a normal must be.
It's really just a shell that held my family inside. I can always think back to our early days as a new family from wherever I am. I said my good bye to the house a long time ago.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

For probably the last 3 weeks my heart has been in turmoil and my mind has been muddled.  No matter my place, change was inevitable to follow.  My old house, my temporary house, my job, my kid's routine, my routine.  It left me feeling worn out, temperamental, discombobulated.  One morning, I decided that I needed to start reading the Pslams in my Bible while the kids ate breakfast to try and get a routine back and a time to reflect before the day.  At the time, I wasn't sure why Psalms was the book I needed to read but by day 4, it was starting to become clearer.  And by Sunday it was more crystal and throughout this week, it all finally got through this thick skull of mine.
I've been worried about a lot lately.  No surprise there.  It started with a lot of changes happening at work.  Honestly, I'm still not sure why it had been effecting me so much; but more than likely due to the fact that I am stubborn and don't like being told I cannot do something anymore.  My attitude within was making me bitter and unhappy.  It wasn't fair to the others that have been trying to change my floor for the better to have opposition.  Even one person's attitude can hurt the cause entirely.  I prayed that God would undo this tension in my heart and allow peace from my job to settle in.  It was that day that I started reading Psalm 4.  Psalm 4:7 specifically jumped at me; most specifically the notes concerning the verse.  Happiness versus joy.  Boom. Mind blowing revelation.  Weren't they one in the same? Not even in the slightest.  It never occurred to me that happiness is a fleeting emotion.  It's flexible and deceiving and circumstantial.  It feels good; no denying that.  I find happiness in a good book, a cool breeze, chocolate, a special family day.  Before, I thought that was joy. It made me feel good inside, but each of those ends at some point.  The book is finished, the weather turns warm again, the chocolate gets eaten and life's chores must be resumed.  I started to get that concept and that left me wondering, what exactly is joy then if it isn't happiness?  I had no idea God was taking me on a life altering transformation with just one seemingly simple word...

Friday, August 10, 2012

Photos from the phone Friday

Early morning walk

Daniel's Park Pet
Impromtu visit to the fire department for directions made for a fun break in the day :)

A little light reading for me

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Eating my own words

As Jake and I were walking into church this past Sunday, I pointed out Daniel's bench near the front entrance to Jake again.  Just so he would have continue to have a conscious idea that the bench wasn't just an ordinary lawn decoration but a bench to symbolize Daniel's legacy.  Jake stated then that "I lost Daniel, Mommy"  I don't know if he was simply repeating something that many have probably said near him over the year or if he conjured that up on his own. (This wasn't the first time he said a statement similar to this; he's said it once before in front of my mom)  I quickly reassured him that Daniel wasn't lost; we knew he was in Heaven waiting for us and we would see him again and we can always talk to him anytime we want even if he isn't here in front of us.  I left it at that and continued on inside because we were late for Sunday school (due to a very stubborn 3 year old who wouldn't try and put on his sandals).  But what I said was almost a robotic, standard reply to a lot of things Jake says in regards to not seeing Daniel and wondering where he is.  I've been thinking to myself this week if I can really eat those words and digest their meaning. Do I really get what I am saying to my kids? 
God has been working on my heart and mind and disposition for about 2 weeks now and it seems as if my wandering thoughts are coming to completion now.  I've been working through joy versus happiness and studying the Bible for it's meaning and I've been reflecting on my feelings now that the dust is settling on moving from a house that I built a family in for 5 years.  Nothing ever seems to be black and white in my life anymore and I've been disconnected these past 2 weeks just trying to sort it all out.  Again asking myself, "what does this all mean and why does it happen to me and what can I do to work with it?"  As soon as I organize my thoughts I plan on putting fingers to keys, but until then I''ll be helping Ryan make dinner because he is currently throwing thawed steak and cups at me in attempts to get me off the computer.
It's like I live with 4 children ;)

Friday, August 3, 2012

Photos from the phone Friday

Splash park fun

This is what happens when Momma is at the DMV for 40 minutes

"Princess Jake"

5:30 am wake ups needs caffeine

...And chocolate milk