Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Joy FM

 I stopped to visit Daniel's spot this afternoon and after I started the car after spending some time out there, Natalie Gant's song, "Held" came on.  I have a history with that song and hearing it unloaded a lot.  When the song ended, it was relayed that a family had a child die in childbirth and the song was being dedicated to them by friends of their church.  After that, another woman came on to show her support and dedicated a song and I just sat there and thought to myself that there was so much support going out to that family.  I tried a few times to call in and share a little something about my journey, but the line just rang.  I really, really need to get out what I was going to share so I am placing it here in hopes that it reaches someone who needs it right now.

As I am reaching the year mark of Daniel's passing, one of the most important lessons I have learned is that there can be hope and joy in our time of grief.  It may seem like it will take forever to arrive, but it's there, waiting for the day we're ready to embrace something more than our sorrow.  A verse that has helped me through some of my darker moments is in Lamentations.  
For no one is abandoned
 by the Lord forever.
 Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love.For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.
My prayers are with that family and for those that so bravely stepped out of their shell to share on the radio.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A post where I talk about running (dead serious)

I always told myself when I got an iPhone I was going to get the C25K app and the myfitnesspal app.  I got lost in all the gadgets my phone had the first week the I momentarily forgot my promise to myself, but then a Facebook post jogged my memory and I downloaded the apps.  I am now currently on week 2.  My first week with myfitnesspal.
It's fun.  It's revitalizing. It's tiring (but that really good tiring)  I haven't ran this consistently since high school tennis and my body knew that the first week.  But these past 2 days of running have been great. I am sore, for sure, but that push to finish and the deep flush of my skin feels so energizing. I make my run/walk my time.  I put on some awesome tunes, focus on a scripture passage and make it for me and God.  No kids, no husband, no worries.  
Today I even cried and ran.  It was good, though.  Cleansing.  It's hard not to get emotional when all I could think about was one of Ryan's Captain's daughters named her newborn son Samuel after Daniel's memorial card that had the verse 1 Samuel 1:11.  (And I needed to think of the engraving for Daniel's memorial park pet plaque. (I did and it's perfect)) I thought more about what the verse really means to me.  I thought about my heartache over not having him here. It hurts, but I have such a privilege of knowing him and knowing what God is using him for.  I feel quite honored God did entrust me in Daniel's care and gave him to me.  Daniel was never mine to have, he was always God's, but I was chosen to love him here on Earth.  Sometimes it takes awhile for me to even wrap my head around that.  It's like I have to push my grief bubble away so I can think clearer.  See truth instead of made up realities.  Oh, you didn't know grief can warp real life?  Yeah, it can for me if I'm not careful.  It's amazing the things you can think about long enough come to fruition in real life.  Scary, too. 
But God knew just how hard it would be for me to let him go, how difficult it would be to overcome his absence, but He knew I could get through it all.  And it's days like today that I surely need to document because the next month is going to play hard on my emotions and Satan will use that to try and make it the second worst time of my life.  
My gloves are on.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Photos from the phone Friday

Ok, technically it's Thursday but I work alllll weekend so I have to post early.  Look at me, on top of posting :)

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Andrew is a year...holy cow

Seriously, how is that even possible?  I remember when he was brand spankin' new and fresh from the womb and all I could do was exclaim, "Wow.  I have 3 boys now."  Never in a million, trillion years would I imagine just how special Andrew would be to us.  
 You have never been quiet a moment in your life.  From the very start, it was always some kind of noise.  You don't laugh, you scream.  You don't cry.  You scream. You chase after your brother and scream while trying to track him down.  You definitely scream when we can't get your food fast enough.  But you are the sweetest little guy.  You give kisses and hugs with abandon and love, love, love, to be in someone's arms.  Every time we see the pediatrician, he always exclaims what a happy child you are.
At one year of age, you can say "Mama", "Dada" "car" and "da" for "hi" and you have the deepest little voice. You started walking right before you turned a year and it is the cutest thing ever.  You love to play with Hotwheels, Little People farm animals, peek-a-boo, dance to any kind of music and get into any cabinet within reach.  And get into wipes.  And toilet paper.  And my work bag.  And I cannot forget how you "help" take the laundry from the basket.  You eat anything and everything.  There isn't a food out there that you don't like-for now, of course.
I cannot believe how blonde you are!  It just keeps getting lighter and lighter.  I love my blonde boys so much and I just love to play with that wispy baby hair.  You need a haircut but I just can't bring myself to do it yet.  And your head; the roundest little melon I have ever seen.  I love it!  It fits your big ol' chunker cheeks perfectly.
You are so full of energy and everyday your Daddy and I say you are going to be a miss mash of Daniel and Jake.  Daniel's affinity to figure out everything and Jake's attitude and rough and tumble play.  But all with a big, Andrew smile on your face.  In other words, you are probably going to be trouble.
 Your first year has definitely has it's share of ups and downs but you weathered it so well and gave us so much to be  thankful for.  Your smile, your little voice, your big hugs make everyday worth it.  You are a blessing to us and Jake.  And we love you so much.

Monday, June 18, 2012

I have written and rewritten a post many times this past week.  There has been so much happening in my life that is almost seems overwhelming to try and write.  I have had a breakdown, a rebellion, a revelation, a fifth anniversary, a first birthday, a mini vacation, and a peaceful walk with one of my best friends.  My brain feels a little on overload right now.  

Firstly, I have had a battle of the heart.  It seems as if many people feel like I should have some anger over what happened to Daniel.  That it would be completely legitimate to feel that way.  I'm aware that many people probably would feel that way.  I don't know if I ever have.  I've felt sad. Incredibly sad.  Confused.  Hurt.  But I've never been angry.  That left me wondering if I should be angry.  Shouldn't I be angry at a God that allowed this to happen?  This thought prefaced my whole beginning of the week.  I pushed myself away from people, from God's word and comfort.  I had a massive cry in the work bathroom because I was so confused with how I felt.  Was I wrong to not be angry?  I kept pushing silent comforts away while tears ran down my face because I wanted to be in a place of anger. I wanted to try and be angry; to place blame.  I wanted to punch something; get some kind of other emotion out of me.  
I just can't be angry at God.  
If I turned on the one constant love in my life, where would that leave me?  Probably curled in a ball on the floor.  Or so angry that I am reckless to myself and my family.  I can't be angry at a God that promises me my son is safe and waiting patiently for me.  I can't be angry at a God that lifts me up with His word.  
My Pastor had a quote from Max Lucado that resonated with me and perfectly explained my general unease earlier this week.

Dehydrated hearts send desperate messages: flaring tempers, waves of worry, anxiety and general unrest.

I took away my shield and covering this week when I pushed myself away from God and tried to be angry and it hurt me more than fixed me.  I lost my protection and it felt like I was crashing down and falling with no safety net. I turned away from the One that gives me comfort and understanding in this mess of a mind right now and I worried and was uneasy about everything.  I started to untrust, tear down my foundation and shake in my own skin.  I felt as if I was almost gone until I came across a passage in a book I was reading Tuesday.   

Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers.
John 15:5-6

I took myself out of Christ and almost lost myself completely.  Never again am I going to think I have to feel something because someone else expects me to feel that way.  People grieve differently.  It took a kids book about losing someone you love to pound that home as well.  The only thing that is going to matter is that I keep my sounding board to release on and get back trust that I will be ok.  Each tumble just brings me back stronger.  I may just be the Hulk when this is all said and done.

I am so thankful that I came to me senses by the end of the week because I would have missed out on celebrating a very special kiddo's first birthday.  A special post dedicated to my miracle boy soon.  And I would have missed a special night dedicated to my partner in this topsy turvy life.  Again, another post.  (Geez, I am really behind.)

Friday, June 15, 2012

Photos from the phone Friday

Got my new iPhone yesterday (where have I been for, like, the last 4 years)  I started playing around with stuff and it's so much easier to post pictures now!  I think I am going to start a regular Friday post like this.  Just to make me a little more accountable for posting.  
I have a huge post coming up; just trying to find a little time to write; it's been busy and I have had a lot to chew on recently.
Have a beautiful Friday!  It is for me because I am off till Thursday!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Mommy: "Jacob, [running around the house in underwear and sun glasses], what superhero are you?"
Jacob: "I'm not a superhero, I'm Venom."

This can't bode well with having a father as a cop, can it?
Oh dear. :)