Tuesday, July 31, 2012


Moving day has come and gone and we have just a few more loose ends to tie up and we'll officially be done-and then on to house shopping
Jake and Andrew have taken to waking up at 6:00-or earlier!-so by 9am it feels as if my day is half over
I've not been on the computer in some time and it's been refreshing.  I'm realizing just how often it monopolized my waking hours
Having said that, I do miss my MAC
Andrew is turning more and more into a Daniel/Jake hybrid.  He plays hard and I caught him trying to figure out the baby gate above the stairs. Oh jeez.
However, he does come up with some really great Andrew "songs" He loves to make noise
I can never get out of the DMV in less then 40 minutes.  It's excruciating.
Living with people who have 5 day work weeks makes me happy I only work 3.  I may get ribbed by my family that I hardly work, but at least they now have an errand runner
I am not missing my house but it is sad to walk through the boy's empty rooms.
 I watched the boys play with Sophia the other day and I thought to myself that this is what I would be enjoying if Daniel were still here. 3 kids making a mess and having fun
Whenever I point out Daniel's picture to Andrew it's almost like he studies it
I want all of my family in one place.  I miss them.
In a 15 minute period while trying to get my 28 week baby on the monitor, I heard about a 13 year old killing a 17 year old, 2 teens getting shot in a park and a bomb threat at Walmart. And that is why I don't watch the news
Had a very engrossing conversation at 3am with coworkers concerning God, religion and relationship.  It was thought provoking and fun
Dark Knight Rises was an hour too long for me.  Still a good movie
I love my husband.  And I'm proud of him and us.
I've been too tired to even think recently; this is my poor attempt at blogging :)


Wednesday, July 18, 2012


"The heart says it all"
And that is what I said when we picked out Daniel's marker.  Some may get weirded out that I am posting a picture of my son's cemetery spot, but to me, this marker represents a whole year of struggles, hurt, sadness, anger, loss, forgiveness, hope, salvation, and promise.  To me, Daniel's marker is commemorating his life and what he meant to all of us.  
Back in February when Ryan and I went to choose the marker, we weren't sure what we wanted it to say or look like.  I just prayed that the perfect one would present itself.
We found that perfect one.  
It's simplistic but the depths of what it means to us entwines and magnifies the stone.  We chose the heart because anything else could not represent just how much he filled us with joy, love and happiness.  He had our heart, will always have our heart and will forever be a part of us.  I specifically wanted all of his name placed on it.  Daniel Robert Metz is significant. Ryan was the one that chose Daniel.  One of the first decisions he made for our boy.  Robert is after my Father.  My Dad was more than a Grandpa to Daniel.  He was one of Daniel's most favorite people.  And Metz is not just his last name, but a bond our family shares.  Ryan and I were joined together in marriage and created a family. Daniel is a product of our love and unity as a family.  The cross represents His promise to us.  His promise that those who love Him and believe in Him will have everlasting life and joy and will be reunited with family.  The cross is very much a part of my strength this past year.  
For me, his marker is a physical depiction, a final-well, marker-of our journey this past year.  Our first year of firsts is quickly ending and later we will move on the seconds, thirds, fourths.  No matter the time that does go by, his marker will always stand to represent my love for him.  I will always fight to keep his memory alive, will always embrace him as my first son, will never forget to utter his name or not share a special memory, will thank him, and God, everyday for saving me.  
I love and miss you so much, sweet boy.  We all do.  

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Hairline cracks

A seemingly harmless sock puppet game with Jake turned my night upside down. The sock puppet was talking with Jake and asked how many brothers he had and Jake replied he had one. I wanted to cry right then and there. I get it, I do. He was 2 when it happened and hasn't physically seen Daniel in a year. He knows Daniel, but can't put together Daniel is also his brother since Daniel isn't here. He can still interact with Andrew. I felt like I had failed, though. I never thought I would need to remind Jake about Daniel being a brother to him. It's been both a blessing and a curse that Jake was so young when Daniel passed. I can only pray that as Jake-and Andrew-get older, it will be easier to explain they're a trio of brothers and not a pair. For now, I'll just keep Daniel a constant in our day to day and someday it will make more sense.
This week is looming with unknowns and I can only hope I can give myself time in the midst of a very busy, emotional week. Because tonight just wasn't how I wanted to start this week.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Shocked into silence

After the boy's well visits today-both are doing awesome and are both in the 75% for height/weight.  We don't grow em' little here-I took them by Daniel's spot.  His marker is supposed to be placed any day now and I've been anxious to see it completed.  I know they'll call me when it's done because they are so sweet like that, but I can't help to go and see for myself.  On the off chance I catch it before they call me.  As I was pulling up, another car was as well.  We both met on the grass and head nodded to one another.   I guess that's cemetery etiquette.  I don't really know; still kind of new to it all.  It was slightly awkward to see others there because it's generally a quiet place.  I know his "neighbors" have loved ones visit because there spots are kept up nicely, it's just weird to see them in person.  After the obligatory "Daniel's police car" through the dirt drive per Jake, we started heading back.  I wasn't really there to spend time reflecting so it was a quick visit.  On the way to the car, the other visitor was leaving too and happened to ask if we were visiting a father or a grandfather.  Nope.  I said, "No, my son." 
For, like, 30 seconds.  His mouth dropped and he stopped dead (no pun intended. Actually, that's kind of a lame joke. Moving on.) in his tracks to stare at me.  By then my eyes were misting over with tears and all I could think was, "Yeah, I know.  It's not supposed to be like this.  But it is."  He recovered and said he was so sorry and I think I mumbled thank you but by that time I really just wanted to get Jake in the car and drive away.  
Thankfully, I got wonderful news on the way home.  Our contract for the house was officially approved and we can get outta here!  Praising God for hearing my prayers and giving me patience to wait...and wait...and wait for the approval.  I know this is the absolute best move for us because this time I listened with my heart and not my head, and I am so praying our hearts can be healed more without the constant reminder of our steps through the house that day.  Loving the huge weight being lifted off my chest tonight.

 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
Ephesians 3:20
(My verse I've leaned on a ton this past week.  See?  God does provide even in the hardest of circumstances)

Monday, July 9, 2012

I keep holding my breath expecting a breakdown at any moment.  It is in 10 more days, after all.  Inside of me, it's still ok.  I'm almost nervous I am still ok.  The tears still spring up, the hurt still stings my heart but I am still standing, still moving, still smiling, still living.  I'm praying this is peace and not avoidance.  I know what avoidance can do to me.  Wreck havoc on my soul.  The month of May still makes me sick.  Trying to focus on Daniel and not how Daniel left.  Holding my breath and waiting for his marker to be placed and hoping it doesn't break me to see it.  Trying to stand tall and make it.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Photos from the phone Friday

Have a great weekend!  I am pretty much at work most of it, but I'm only 4 shifts away from 2 weeks off :)

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I'm ok.

I took a picture of myself with Andrew the other day during our {very} brief rainstorm.  Right off the bat, I sensed something different about the photo.  (Aside from the fact that I'm actually in one)  A few months back, I posted about this.  While sitting in bed, I couldn't stop staring at this picture:
and at this one :
and noticing the glaring difference-me.
I look so peaceful now.  And I feel ok writing that.  
I have had a hellish year.  The very worst a Mother could ever have.  I have changed more this year than in my previous 26.  And I've learned so much more, too.  This year was about survival and letting go.  I have had some truly dark moments but each time I come out better, stronger in myself, more faith-filled.  
As July 19th so quickly approaches, I am taking more time to reflect on what this past year has done for me.  I've cried-a lot.  I've missed and hurt deeply.  I've hit parked cars.  (True story)  I've gotten angry over little things.  I've hated a house. (Still do)  But, I've also made new friends. I've watched my family grow closer. I've allowed myself to be broken and built back up. I've humbled myself before my God and my church and received pure love. I've recommitted myself to my marriage and my children. I've let go of control that isn't necessary. I've opened my heart to different choices. I've allowed myself to be a vessel to God (something I surely would not have done one year ago). I've accepted good intentions from others.  I've taken better care of my patients.  I've made a point to include God in my daily life-and not just when I'm troubled.  I've felt release writing this blog.  I've accepted I am forever a changed person.  And I am finally beginning to understand the scripture Kevin showed that night.

 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I am a living, walking, breathing testimony to God's love and I am not afraid to share that anymore.  Yup.  And even after my horrible tragedy, I can say that.  Because, really, it's not so tragic when you've had a year to reflect on what Daniel's life-and eternal life-have given me.  My heart does ache for him, but my life has been renewed.  For me, Daniel has given me hope, a new chance, a promise I will hold him in my arms again.  And 3 beautiful years as his Mommy.

Would it hurt to bang my head on the wall a few times?

Jake is going through something.  Is it the threes, no naps, waking before 7, sibling rivalry?  I don't know; but what I do know is that it is wearing me out.  I had a horrible, horrible, horrible day yesterday.  Tempers were lost, by both of us, Jake cried, I cried, Andrew cried to be picked up constantly and I promised myself I would do better today.  
I do have more patience today because I keep reminding myself, "this is just a phase, this is just a phase" but when Jake is pushing other kids off the seats in the library, throwing a book onto the floor in anger, running away from me when I'm trying to grab him to leave because we do not get privileges when we misbehave, it makes me want to scream.  And cry.  And curse Ryan's 3-11 shifts.  
This side of parenting isn't glorious.  It's a down right war zone.  
Is it bedtime yet?

Monday, July 2, 2012

You know what's hard?  Showing your youngest pictures of his oldest brother and praying your words can even remotely describe how awesome/troublesome/smart/kind/silly/exasperating/sweet he was.  
Because my words are the only memories Andrew will have.
Words, please don't ever fail me.