I miss you. Words seem to fail me in this moment to even describe how I much I miss you. Words are my safe place and they cannot even adequately portray what is running in me. I am weary. It has been hard this month. Hard isn't even the best word choice. How can you describe the feeling of sorrow? It is gritty in my mouth. It has been weighing heavy on my body. It has been twisting tighter in my heart. In the moments I am trying to create with your brothers and sister; the sorrow for me mixed in with their love for you splashes cold back in my face. It feels like an oxymoron. I am raising them to remember you and shrink the gap of not having you here and in the same instance it's a reminder of why I even need to do this.
I have been watching the clock these past 24 hours; thinking back to 10 years ago and what I was doing. There was the last of Christmas shopping. Lunch with your Daddy and Grandpa. A trip to a hunting store. Not knowing of my contractions all day until my water broke after getting off the couch. The drive to have you. Waiting a whole night to see you. I woke up almost every hour and a half last night. Not even 2 Benadryl could keep me asleep. I am up right now because 10 years ago at 6:23 am I was up experiencing the arrival of you. The moment was SO great it was not even fathomable in my anxious mind of what your life would do for mine. Your life broke the mold of the old me. Your life reshaped how I saw myself. Your life reshapes how I see myself. Your life was chaotic and punctuated by so much change. Your life gave reason to the chaos. Your life held a sacred sacrament. Your life holds a sacred promise. Your life floods into the family here missing you. Your joy brings more to those who you are now with.
There has been a song that has been playing around and around and around in my head this month. It's 'O come to the alter'. In fact, baby boy, it's playing right next to me as I type this out. It may even be on repeat today because today, baby, on your 10th birthday, I need to be taken back to the most primordial reason for my faith. Love. My faith will never be shaken. It's as solid as my dedication to you. I just NEED Him more than ever today. I can't be strong today. Not by myself. A new decade to you has been ushered in. Today is going to hurt. I need you, sweet boy, to take God's hand and cover me. I need my sorrows to be taken and traded in for the implicit joy only He can give me. Because until we can be with one another once more, He is what will give me reason to continue seeking joy. As the grief, the pain, and the bitterness turmoil inside, I need Him to unravel the fear intertwined. That's what His love is about; taking the ugly and making it beautiful. Understanding our fear and doubt and making it pliable.
Daniel, I love you. My love for you transcends the human heart. But so much greater is the love He has for you. For me. For each person we encounter. I pray I will always feel that love and the reminder will always be present on the hard days, the harder days and the hardest days. And every single other moment in between.
Until then my 10 year old little boy.