Jake is 5

It doesn't seem like I should be writing how you're turning 5.

Jake, this has been my favorite year yet.  You are becoming such a little boy. While I thought I would miss the baby phase, this season in your life is so much fun. I am so proud of the little boy you are becoming. 

You have such little boy feet and hands. When we hold hands now, I cannot believe the strength the emanates from them.  They are so substantial now. And you have little muscles. Long gone is the chubbiness of being a toddler. Your angles are becoming sharper and you're getting more gangly. 
You have so many more words now and the conversations we can carry on still surprise me. Speaking of words, oh my goodness, how you love to learn. It's often I can pick you up from daycare and you're sitting and practicing writing. The teachers comment often how well your handwriting is; and it is really good. You can recognize so many words and read so much and that is probably one of my favorite milestones for you. Hearing your read words back to me when we have book time is amazing. You're really good at sounding them out, too. When we tested your for kindergarten (once I could pull you away from my side) you amazed the teachers with your counting, reading, reciting, and sounding out. And writing not just your first name, but your middle and last. To me that seemed normal, but I guess some cannot still. Your little mind is a sponge. Numbers are a favorite, too. You will ask to do work sheets with addition and use your resources to figure out the number. We will also work on it in the car and any chance we can do addition and subtraction, I take it. I want to sharpen your mind and since you love to do it anyway, it makes it more fun. You can count into the hundreds now, and probably more, and you were the only kid who could recognize what numbers were missing and what came next in class. You got a gift out of the treasure box for that. 

You are starting to become a leader and will direct play. You also like to boss around your brother and exert your big brother status. But, you can also be very timid. The rooster scares you and I must walk with you when we pass along his way. Your brother can take you on, but you're working on sticking up for yourself. Your feelings can get hurt easily and if something isn't done perfect the first time, you get discouraged. I just pray these characteristics special to you will grow for something great and never hinder you.

You are showing more of an interest in sports and like to throw a football and hit off a tee. Catching still is difficult for you. You also started taekwondo this year. For the most part you enjoy it. You can get distracted and misbehave in class, but usually because you're tired. Right now you will test for yellow first. While I know you probably won't go on to be some awesome fighter, it's fun to watch you learn and show your skills. You're getting much better at jumping jacks :)
We are starting to talk more about God and Jesus and what it means to have Him in your heart. I never want to pressure you into making such a big decision in allowing Him into your heart, but each time we talk you seem to understand more of what that means.  I cannot wait for the day you make the decision; and I definitely want it on your time. You are still so much a little child in the way you can think, but some of the things you say and understand are much bigger then your years.
This next year will bring about many changes for you. You start Kindergarden, will make new friends and come home with so much more knowledge,  and add a little sister, but I know you will adjust just fine. You love life and love abundantly and I am so thankful for you. 

Jake's 5 year interview

What is your favorite number?  
5
Who are your friends? 
Zachary, Drew, Varun, Sean, Alex, Ethan and Noah (he was correcting me on spelling :)
What is your favorite toy? 

 Megaforce phone

What is your favorite food?  

Chicken, cheese and corn on the bone

What is your favorite color?

Red and blue and black

What is your favorite thing to play outside? 

Power Rangers and playing with my super megaforce phone

What is your favorite car? 

Mustang

What is your favorite book? 

Lightening McQueen

What is your favorite animal? 

Dinosaurs-T rex and Spinosaurus

What do you want to do when you grow up? 

Police man

What is your favorite thing to do at school? 

Do work (I love work)

Who are your favorite teachers? 

Ms Chris and Ms Lauren and Ms Monica

Jake's 4 year

Jake's 3 year

I think I stared at the title bar of this for a full 5 minutes just trying to figure out how to title this post. So far, I have, "yes, it's really been almost 5 months since I have posted", "where to begin" and "I'm pregnant"

I guess I can start with the most shocking and surprising. Pregnant. With a baby. Something I never thought I would ever experience again. Something Ryan is still grappling with 23 weeks later. I've become a statistic now. A baby made due to user error-and divinely gifted down to us by a God who sees so much more then I can-especially at the moment the line turned positive. I guess that is a big reason it's taken this long to write. Many of my thoughts were not of one that would be incredibly elated at baby news. I struggled with anxiety, stress, happiness, sadness, worry and elation-and frankly, still do. They have a name for a baby after a stillbirth or a miscarriage, but what is a baby after a toddler loss? How does one come to terms with a baby who was never thought of but suddenly so important to a mother heart?  How can one try to explain the prayers cried out to a God of, 

"I know it's already been decided, but Lord, I don't know if I could handle it being a boy, please help me if it is" or relying on 2 Cor 10:5 to take captive every thought of fear because loss is no longer something I am immune to. My heart cannot be broken again and satan drew me captive feeding off my worry and doubt. Or how can one explain, that in all of that mess, this baby is a lifeline for those that still hurt. This baby will be restoring wounds that need healing? That this baby is a welcomed little sister for one little guy who kept asking for one. 

Sometimes I can barely explain it myself, so I knew there was no way I could write about it yet. 

But tonight I sit, urged over news of someone who lost a child, to write.  Write what specifically, I do not know; I just know I need to write words. I guess to show that I am still alive-a living, breathing beautiful mess of a grieving/pregnant/tired/joyful mother. I guess to write that in the midst of some of the hardest moments of a life, there is hope. It may not come in a package to ever be expected, but it's there gifted in ways only God knows will heal and help. That life is ever changing and to hold on; that there are moments that do not look so pretty, but are there to help make the next moments shine with glory. I guess to write most importantly, that faith in God will always be tested and stretched and questioned but always to know He has the story written and to rely on Him to help lay the chapters out. That the ending He has written is far more beautiful then anything played out prior. 

I guess I write for me, for this little girl growing in me, for mother's, for those that hurt or are searching, for those the need raw words and no sugar coating, for those that need assurance in the One who loves with everlasting faithfulness. For the one on my mind and in the prayers from my lips. You are loved, you are held, you will make it.