Friday, November 30, 2012

Mommy Moments

In lieu of photos for this Friday, let me share with you some memorable moments from this week. I tell ya, some of these will go down in history-mommy history.
Jake throws 2.of.the.biggest.tantrums this week. Monumental proportions, people. I laughed, almost cried, almost got kicked in the face but took it all in stride-and wrestled him into jammies and bed. End result? He's out like a light in 2 minutes.
Boy's bathtime. Jake says he has to get out to go potty. No biggie. He has a poopy and I hear a plop. I turn back around in the bathroom to tell him "good job" and I see Andrew. Standing up in the tub. Look of confusion on his face. And his poopy hanging out in the bath water. Ryan walks in to find all 3 of us just kind of staring at one another. I am surrounded by men and poop.
Chill time on the couch. Just me and the boys right before bed. We're watching Super Readers on PBS and Jake is so incredibly excited to spell "go" and seek out the letter J "for me". Andrew doesn't really know what's going on but he's clapping along. Later, he rests his head on me and I melt. Such a great night.
Jake doesn't take 20 minutes to get dressed and, aside from needing help buttoning pants, does it all by himself. Score.
Daniel's birthday project gets huge reception. I'm blessed to see such an outpouring of love and honored he is still a part of lives.
Andrew wakes up and cries from 12-2am. Up and down, in and out of our bed, he finally falls asleep with us. Jake walks in at 6 am, decides he doesn't like Andrew sleeping on our bed and wakes Andrew up. TGIF.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Honoring a boy

December 22 started off seeming so far away and as the weather turned colder, it started looming closer and closer. What do you do to celebrate a child's birthday that is no longer here to open gifts or plan a party for?  I can't just make December 22 an ordinary day now because it's anything but that. I can't simplify a day that changed my heart and life forever.
It wasn't until a voicemail from someone who has been so close to my journey that an idea fought to the forefront of my mind. God had laid on his heart to purchase a gift in honor of Daniel to a child of my choice. I started thinking of Christmas and Daniel and his birthday and realizing there are so many kids and families so close who don't get to experience love and relationships like the one I had with Daniel. Who lack even some of the most bare of necessities. With some help from friends, I picked a great organization that focuses on family and I am so excited to celebrate Daniel's birthday by collecting donations and giving it to The Children's Home Society.
Donations to the Children’s Home Society
Please help me honor Daniel Metz by donating items to the Children’s Home Society.
Children’s Home Society helps with pregnancy resource, adoption, children with disabilities, counseling services and assists in nurturing programs for families.
Children’s Home Wish List
Flavored Lip Gloss
Items for a Spa Day
Infant and Toddler Toys and Books
Musical Toys for All Ages
Handheld and Larger Size Mirrors
Baking Pans, Measuring Cups
Cupcake Pans, Utensils
Bowls with Lids
New Dishes
Can Opener
Dish Cloths and Towels
Gift wrap
Children’s DVDs
Newborn diapers
Newborn baby bottles-4 oz.
Infant formula coupons
Clothing- boy and girl
New or gently used receiving blankets
Hygiene items
Arts and Craft supplies
Sports balls
Disposable cameras
 Donations will be accepted until 12/20/2012
Thank you!
I will be leaving boxes at Mercy L&D, Dorsett Village Church in Maryland Heights, First Academy Preschool on Hwy K, Hart Autobody in Florissant or I would love to stop and pick up and donations. Just contact me on Facebook.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Photos from the phone/thanksgiving week edition

Thanksgiving has come and gone once again. And while each month has something special, this month holds some of the most dear. In November alone I've experienced new family, a month celebrated at a new job, family reconnected, children at their best, and sometimes worst (yes, I'm still thankful for that) a possible new house, renewed love for the holidays, a good cry, the babies singing Jesus loves Grandma, cheesecake, much needed nap time, listening to my Mom speak of her faith, friendships, a good movie, date night with the hubs, comforting and challenging Sunday School discussions, noodles and cheese, game night, a hug from a new friend, movie night, special pictures and a clean car.
It's hard/unbelievable/welcoming/peaceful to say I'm at an ok place right now. I'm ok. I have so much to be thankful for, in even the littlest of things, but really, most often those are the biggest to be thankful for. Those small moments make me ok. Those moments are the encouragement needed for the not so good days. Like when I'm listening to Christmas music at work for the first time and pretty much breaking down over urine samples. If I can't see the beauty in my life interwoven with the ugly, what's the purpose of anything?

I think Jake summed it up pretty well. No frills, just simple thanks :)


Cousins that get to see each other daily. Even if parts of those days drive us insane :)

28 years, people.

Generations of men

Great weather

Total meltdowns.

Wonderful food

Special time with Grandpa Fishsticks

That face

No nights/weekends/holidays/extra stress.

Just crazy kids and movie nights

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Thank you, Linda

I hesitated even writing this post because I had so many conflicting emotions. After much thought and prayer, I remembered the real reason why I started writing this blog in the beginning; I wanted to share and possibly help someone thru this multifaceted and consuming process of moving on and missing a child. So, here I am typing this out.
My nephew, and newest little member of our family, was born last Saturday. Oh man, I don't think I can even describe the joy and excitement I had all night waiting for his arrival. Ryan made fun of me for being so attached to my phone for updates. This little boy, who I have not met yet, has stolen a little piece of my heart. 
So why, thru my happiness, did I feel an overwhelming sadness?  Who knows.  It could have been that I wasn't able to hold Mason. It could have been the many similar characteristics that related my sister in laws first birth to mine. It could have been myself remembering Daniel's birth. And then remembering Daniel. And them lamenting on, yet again, my cross to bear. And then berating myself for even turning this happy event around to myself and my loss; even if it was inwardly spoken and never expressed out loud.  It was almost too much emotion for me to wear. In the dropping waters of the shower, I cried that it just wasn't fair.  Yet again, here was another situation to overcome.
Sunday came and with a new day, a new attempt to lighten my heart. It's oftentimes so interesting how a night of sleep can ease a hurt. It's even more astounding and comforting to have a friend come up and at the right moment, share a scripture and a story.

As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?”
“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered.“This happened so the power of God could be seen in him. We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us.[a] The night is coming, and then no one can work. But while I am here in the world, I am the light of the world.”
John 9:1-5

And I am reminded, yet again, oh my human little heart, of the power this situation has. Of the gift Daniel was and is and will always be. Of the power of God and his mercy and love. Of the story I must share, even when I don't think I have the words or capability. Of the decision to share my cross with God and give up my burdened heart so it can become lighter. So I can give hope to others that grief may get you down, but it is your choice to stay there or get up. So I can grow in that wisdom, as well. 
I am better.   I am overjoyed over Mason Daniel. I am missing Daniel. I am restored again. 
I am because He is.

Photos from the phone

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Lighter heart

Daniel has been on my mind so much lately. The second round of holidays are coming up and his 5th birthday. (Don't even get me started on how it's even possible that my oldest would have been 5. Actually, I'll probably start it on a separate post) Mentioning him right now almost always causes my throat to constrict a little because I just cannot believe it's been almost 16 months since I have seen him.
But this post isn't supposed to be about how much I miss him. I am really writing to remind myself about how different it is this second go around. I started to really notice it on Halloween. Probably because this is the first of the holidays that are rounding out the end of the year.  I can think back to how disheartened I felt about celebrating without him and remember how much strength it took to work up a better attitude for the boy's sake and how much it just plain sucked. And this year, starting with Halloween, I felt more joy and happiness then previously. I was more present physically to enjoy Jake's readiness to play pretend and run from house to house and really watch and revel in Andrew's growth over the year. He absolutely makes my insides melt with pure love. That sweet little face of his. Those little men have endured more then they can really understand right now and to see them celebrate life and have fun and laugh with such abandon really touched the inner most parts of my heart.
And as November starts the days of thankfulness, I am reminded that time does not heal my wounds, but time surely does make them sting less and I am so thankful for the grace that God has bestowed on me. I may never have wanted to experience these hard parts of my life, but His love and strength gives me the ability to press on and appreciate so much more the better parts of my life. And now that we are starting to get over all the sickness I can manage my time off so much better and really start to enjoy the times I do have with my family. And really focus on what matters most because I have learned and been reminded repeatedly how swiftly these moments disappear.
"While your servant was busy here and there, the man disappeared."
I Kings 20:40
And really reflect on how true this verse really is.  Because I can chose to flutter all around and focus on all the things that need to be accomplished, or I can take the time and revel in the things that are fleeting. Like watching Jake write the letter "h" and "t" for the first time and see his absolute joy over his accomplishment.  These are the moments that will sustain me.