Sunday, October 28, 2012

Another chapter

Geez. I knew I was behind in writing, but I wasn't aware just how long it has been. I guess because I've composed so many posts in my head but just never had the chance to sit and really articulate what's been going on lately. And there have been so many things going on lately.
A friend of mine posted recently that I've entered another chapter in my life (this was in response to starting a new job) and I "wittingly" replied back that I am beginning to have quite the novel. Haha. But, seriously, my book is getting quite long, quite fast.  
I did just start a new job 2 weeks ago. It wasn't something I was actively pursuing but the position presented itself and I found myself applying.  Let me preface this by saying that I am not one for change; hate it and usually talk myself out of it. And I tried often to talk myself out of it but, thankfully, I have great people that I've surrounded myself around and a God that does not give up easily and this new job is a great new start. Even though it's hard on the ego. It's difficult going from a place where I could pretty much anticipate what the resident or doctor needed, anticipate how a delivery was going to evolve and have people trust my judgement because of my work ethic and experience, and now be at a place where I have to learn a whole other side of women's health. It's hard, bruises the ego, but gotta crawl before I walk, right? In the end, this is where I know I should be and I am going to work hard to set a new spot in the office. As long as we can all get healthy over here, first. Pretty soon, we're going to have the best immune systems ever.
I planned on making this a tad bit longer, best laid plans, huh?, but I'm still trying to gain back some of the energy I've lost taking care of family and myself.  Hopefully, I can get back to writing soon because  I miss it.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Rock-a-night night

I got the privilege to rock Andrew to sleep tonight in my arms. He was fussy and as soon as I picked him up, he leaned his forehead into my lips for a kiss and then rested his head on my shoulder.
And my heart melted.
The lack of privacy, lack of space and quiet time this boy has allowed me the past 2 days just didn't seem so important anymore. What became important was that I have been given the gift of being this baby's Momma-and that means being there for him no matter how tired I am, no matter my needs, no matter the chores that need to get done. It's exhausting most days; Andrew is needy, clingy and loud; but he needs me to give him all of me no matter what.
And some days I will do so stubbornly because I have to reach into the bottom most pits of my being and grasp what little patience and energy I have left.  This boy challenges me more so than the other 2.  His strength, his never ending energy, his voice that reverberates off ever surface.  His need, his "no fear" attitude, his desire to seek out and learn-even at 15 months.  It's overwhelming and fascinating.   
It's no secret Andrew's little life has had a huge impact on our family.  It's not coincidence that when Ryan and I realized we had no middle name for Andrew in our post partum room and decided on Thomas that it would be perfectly matched for him.  Thomas means "twin" and he is such a little copy of Daniel.  To me, it's like Daniel left a little kiss of himself on his brother. It's comforting to know Andrew shares such special characteristics with Daniel.  I pray later Andrew will cherish that he shares Daniel's coloring, his zeal for life, his curiosities.  My bond with Andrew is so unique.  My last child; the baby of the family.  One of my reasons for moving on in my sorrow those first few months.  Sometimes I think Andrew knows we have a special relationship and seeks out my attention to remind me of that.
For as aggressive as he is, Andrew is by far, the most lovable.  His smile can light up a room.  His laugh is infectious.  His love for music reminds me to let go a little too. 
So, in my worst moments of praying for a little quiet;  I can look back and look forward and know it may seem as if I'll never be able to go to the bathroom on my own again; Andrew is growing and learning about love and commitment to one another and my "job" as his Mother is truly priceless.  And there, in those moments, I find my energy to give just a little more of myself-for my Andrew.