Friday, September 30, 2011

72 days

Last night while I watching T.V. with Ryan in bed I realized for the first time in 72 days, I hadn't cried. It was so odd. Of course Daniel was never far from my mind; in fact we were all watching X Factor last night and it made me wonder if Daniel would have been a singer..or just what he would have been into in general. But I didn't cry. I really don't know what to make of this. Should I be happy? Does this mean I'm moving on to some semblance of a "normal" life and I can concentrate on other things instead of focusing solely on Daniel's absence? I'm almost afraid to move on because I fear I'll be moving away from him. But isn't this what I've prayed about? To be able to think of Daniel and not cry? To focus on my remaining children and my husband and be there mentally and not just physically? I think what I'm really feeling is that if I'm not sad over Daniel's death then I'm not preserving his memory or showing that I miss him. Consciously I know that he would never want to see my sad, he never liked to see me sad, and I am preserving his memory in everything that I do, but it all goes back to my main point, I fear I'm moving away from him.
You know, sometimes I have this morbid thought whenever I visit his spot that I just want to dig and dig and pull him out and hug him. I miss that so much. And how he always noticed when I cleaned the house. He was my sensitive baby.
I don't know. Each day brings more to think about and digest and this is a big one for me. It feels like I've got to figure myself out all over again.


  1. Definitely not crying today doesn't mean that you don't miss him any less or you are moving away from him. I've never lost a child but I have lost a close friend. I know that is completely different, but I understand what you mean when you say that you feel bad for not crying today. When I started to have better days I felt like I was betraying that friend's memory or that her life became less important because I wasn't dwelling on the grief for every moment. I knew that wasn't true but it still felt that way. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for more better days!

  2. Amanda - you are doing a good job of balancing keeping Daniel's memory alive with living in the present for your family. I applaud you.
    Here are some lyrics to a new song by Addison Road entitled: "This Little Light of Mine."

    "In this life you will know
    Love and pain
    Joy and sorrow
    So when it hurts
    When times get hard
    Don't forget who's child you are

    This little light of mine
    I'm gonna let it shine
    This little light of mine
    I'm Gonna let it shine
    Gonna let it shine

    With the ones you love
    Treasure the time
    And for those who are gone
    Keep the memories alive

    Hold on to your dreams
    Don't ever let go
    There's a fire inside you
    Burning with hope

    This little light of mine
    I'm gonna let it shine
    This little light of mine
    I'm Gonna let it shine
    Gonna let it shine."

  3. I love that song! But I haven't heard it in awhile :(