Last night while I watching T.V. with Ryan in bed I realized for the first time in 72 days, I hadn't cried. It was so odd. Of course Daniel was never far from my mind; in fact we were all watching X Factor last night and it made me wonder if Daniel would have been a singer..or just what he would have been into in general. But I didn't cry. I really don't know what to make of this. Should I be happy? Does this mean I'm moving on to some semblance of a "normal" life and I can concentrate on other things instead of focusing solely on Daniel's absence? I'm almost afraid to move on because I fear I'll be moving away from him. But isn't this what I've prayed about? To be able to think of Daniel and not cry? To focus on my remaining children and my husband and be there mentally and not just physically? I think what I'm really feeling is that if I'm not sad over Daniel's death then I'm not preserving his memory or showing that I miss him. Consciously I know that he would never want to see my sad, he never liked to see me sad, and I am preserving his memory in everything that I do, but it all goes back to my main point, I fear I'm moving away from him.
You know, sometimes I have this morbid thought whenever I visit his spot that I just want to dig and dig and pull him out and hug him. I miss that so much. And how he always noticed when I cleaned the house. He was my sensitive baby.
I don't know. Each day brings more to think about and digest and this is a big one for me. It feels like I've got to figure myself out all over again.