I can't shake the feeling that I've been a little disconnected from life lately. I have a suspicion it's because of working nights. It just feels like large chunks of time have disappeared. I feel a little in limbo-and it's really hard to explain; on here and to myself. But it's like I am living my life in snapshots. Some parts are really in focus but a lot is blurred by my fatigue. I've got to figure out how to change this because it's really making me uneasy. And I cannot change my status or stop working nights because as much as it messes with me, it's really the best option right now for the family. I've been playing around with working all in a row or breaking up my days, so we'll see what really is best.
I haven't been as sad as previously but I really think it's because I haven't had to chance to really even think. It feels like all I have been doing is working and sleeping and work has been so busy that my focus is on my patients even in the down time-when there is down time. I'm not sure yet if that is a good or bad thing. I think I'm leaning more towards bad because when I do think about Daniel it hits me harder. And then I'm struggling.
On the flip side, I do tend to stay awake longer in the evenings because I am so used to being up all night that R and I are spending more time together. There is still an huge elephant in the room we dance around but I have to look at it this way; we're reconnecting as a man and wife and refocusing as a mom and dad. I pray daily that eventually, in the best time, we can hit on some issues as we both have different attitudes towards Daniel's accident. Who knew at 26 we would both be hit this hard with such heavy stuff and mining all this? Well, ok, God did and He paired us together because He knew we could handle it, but a manual would have been nice :)
Of course, the more I think about it, He really and truly did give us a manual on life, the Bible, we just have to know how to use it. It is so much more than just reading it to get assurance and answers. Something I learned in Sunday school is that every character in the Bible can be relatable during a period in your life. For me, at this moment in time, I'm Job. Unsure why all this junk is being hit down on me, questioning why but knowing He is with me even if I cannot see Him. Maybe a little of Abraham thrown in there; wandering around but trusting God is working my path out for me.
And I am really hoping all this stuff can be worked out a little for me because I start my next 3 in a row tonight and really have got to get a nap in and cannot have my brain working in overdrive during that. I would really be of no use tonight then.