Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I really didn't think this was going to be a 2 post day...

...but insomnia is a dear friend and has shown up again. Slightly jealous that everyone in my household is sleeping except me. Same story as last night...and the night before that. Nights are the worst, too. My mind wanders. This is when I really want to be sleeping-and not just because it's a normal process. Can I blame night shift? Maybe. Mostly, nights are filled with a lot of empty space. I am too tired to concentrate on reading (which has slightly lost joy anyway and that in itself makes me sad), nothing of interest is on t.v. and most people work normal 9-5's so they're tucked in bed. So I am left to think. I think about how much I have changed. I worry that since Daniel is constantly in the forefront of my mind it's effecting work and life in general. I wonder what Ryan is thinking. I think about how much I want to move. (Being in the house isn't sad, I'm just itching for change. Or, maybe it is subconsciously bothering me....I worry about that as well) I worry I'm forgetting Daniel and then I mentally go through every inch of him. I worry that I put him before God because I want to see him so badly. I pray God knows I really try not to. I worry I concentrate on Daniel so much that people get tired of me-and then I hate myself for even thinking that because he's my son and he's not here and people just need to deal with the fact that I miss him so much.

Grief is so draining. I really don't know a better way to describe it. I feel like I have lived a lifetime already. I have more lows than highs. God is so near and sometimes so far away and that pull can bring me to my knees. I cry-everyday. I didn't even know that was possible. I can only handle dealing with "things that have to do with Daniel" for a short period so it's taking me forever to write thank you cards and it only prolongs "things that have to do with Daniel".

I sound awful, don't I? Nights bring out the worst in me. Frankly, I don't even want to be around me. But I keep moving on, keep praying, knowing God gives me enough for a day at a time (even if that day feels longer than 24 hours) and hoping tomorrow is slightly better.

...weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Psalm 30:5


  1. You don't sound awful. You sound real. Praying for, Amanda.

  2. I agree with Kristal...you sound real and honest and it's commendable! I just want you to know that if I had to bet every dime I have, I know that God understands- he gave you Daniel; he gave you the desire to be a good mom; he gave you the amazing love you have for your boys. He understands because HE CREATED YOU THAT WAY! Remember that verse out of Isaiah that I sent you a few weeks ago? He made you and knows you and he will be your God forever...hang on to that!