But that really isn't the main point of all of this. It may seem that I have complete trust in God working in my heart and life but it's definitely a struggle putting Him before Daniel sometimes. I pray daily for distinction between my allegiance to Jesus and Daniel. I worry about wanting to see Daniel more than meeting my Creator sometimes and about making sure what I say and what I do is for Him and not Daniel.
As I was driving home this afternoon from taking the boys to the Magic House, I prayed for help. I prayed that God would help separate me as His child and me as Daniel's Mother. I prayed I would put Jesus first. Then this came on the radio. (If you haven't noticed yet, musical lyrics tend to work on me) "Heaven is this face" by Stephen Curtis Chapman. It was like God was telling me that it's ok to be confused. It's ok to miss Daniel. He gave Daniel to me, afterall. He wanted me to experience Daniel and love him and know him. He knows my tie to Daniel as a Mother because it was given by Him. He knows how much I love Daniel, but that I do love Him too. God knows I know Daniel is in the best possible place anyone could ever be and He knows I believe in Him with all my heart even if in my human mind and heart it feels like I am having to sift through it all. And through it all I know He's going to be there.
For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love
For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow
Lamentations 3: 31-33
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
He rescues those who are crushed in spirit
Psalm 34: 18