Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Never alone

I thought I had it together yesterday. We donated the books for B4D at Rose Acres and it was incredible to see the library, the preschoolers enjoying some of the books, the Parents As Teacher rep collecting her share, and all the pictures taken. In fact, I held myself together pretty well-until I heard Natalie Grants song "Held". Oh man, did I lose it in my car. (I was parked) Great, heaving, gut wrenching sobs. I haven't cried like that in awhile. I bowed my head on the steering wheel and just let myself miss Daniel so much. I didn't think, I just opened myself to my grief. It hurt so much. It was good and bad at the same time. Thankfully, my day didn't end on such a sobering note. R and I took the boys to the new Disney Store and it was so much fun watching Jake's reaction to seeing all the movies, Mickey and Cars. We laughed so much and just made great memories. After such an emotional afternoon the release of the evening meant everything to me.

But that really isn't the main point of all of this. It may seem that I have complete trust in God working in my heart and life but it's definitely a struggle putting Him before Daniel sometimes. I pray daily for distinction between my allegiance to Jesus and Daniel. I worry about wanting to see Daniel more than meeting my Creator sometimes and about making sure what I say and what I do is for Him and not Daniel.

As I was driving home this afternoon from taking the boys to the Magic House, I prayed for help. I prayed that God would help separate me as His child and me as Daniel's Mother. I prayed I would put Jesus first. Then this came on the radio. (If you haven't noticed yet, musical lyrics tend to work on me) "Heaven is this face" by Stephen Curtis Chapman. It was like God was telling me that it's ok to be confused. It's ok to miss Daniel. He gave Daniel to me, afterall. He wanted me to experience Daniel and love him and know him. He knows my tie to Daniel as a Mother because it was given by Him. He knows how much I love Daniel, but that I do love Him too. God knows I know Daniel is in the best possible place anyone could ever be and He knows I believe in Him with all my heart even if in my human mind and heart it feels like I am having to sift through it all. And through it all I know He's going to be there.

For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love
For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow

Lamentations 3: 31-33

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
He rescues those who are crushed in spirit

Psalm 34: 18


  1. I was thinking of you yesterday. I knew it was going to be a big day/hard day....joy mixed with sorrow. Don't feel bad about the way you feel....God knows your pain. He can handle it. Let it out!

    He will never let you go. I heard a song today and I thought of you. It's called "Just Let me Cry" by Hilary Weeks. Here are a few of the lyrics:

    ...sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected, and we’re forced to face our deepest pain.
    When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under
    I dig my heels in deep,
    and I fight to keep my ground.
    Still, at times, the hurt inside grows stronger.
    And there’s nothing I can do but let it out...
    so just let me cry.
    I know it’s hard to see.
    But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
    Just let me cry.
    Till every tear has fallen.
    Don’t ask when...
    and don’t ask why.
    Just let me cry.

    When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me, I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
    But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling...
    And I know in time He’ll take the pain away.
    But for now...
    Just let me cry.

    I have felt joy,
    the kind that makes my heart want to sing.
    And so my tears are not a surrender,
    I’ll feel that way again.
    But for now...
    For this moment...
    Just let me cry."
    Hope this helps, Amanda. I know it helped me today as I was thinking of you.
    Love, Prayers & Blessings,

  2. Oh, if I could take your pain away. I miss him so much too. Seems like every day starts and ends the same with the same thoughts...missing Daniel. Sometimes Grief is like a backpack and some days it feels heavier than others. It is hard to read some of the thoughts you put beautifully into words. Those words which describe the pain, and the sadness. Keep releasing them from the backpack and in time, there will be room for joy. But know that Daniel will always be with us on our journey of life.
    Grief is another expression of love. For it is a result of that love shared. How much deeper is the love of our Father than this grief we now feel. As I read more into the bible there were so many examples of central characters working through grief. David, Ezekiel, Job, and yes Jesus. Even Jesus wept for Lazarus. Sometimes it feels like a veil has been lifted from my eyes and I can see clearly what is and isn’t important. What matters in a day and what is SO unimportant.
    A song from Steven Curtis Chapman has helped me. It is “With Hope”:
    This is not at all how
    We thought it was supposed to be
    We had so many plans for you
    We had so many dreams
    And now you've gone away
    And left us with the memories of your smile
    And nothing we can say
    And nothing we can do
    Can take away the pain
    The pain of losing you, but ...
    We can cry with hope
    We can say goodbye with hope
    'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
    And we can grieve with hope
    'Cause we believe with hope
    (There's a place by God's grace)
    There's a place where we'll see your face again
    We'll see your face again

    And never have I known
    Anything so hard to understand
    And never have I questioned more
    The wisdom of God's plan
    But through the cloud of tears
    I see the Father's smile and say well done
    And I imagine you
    Where you wanted most to be
    Seeing all your dreams come true
    'Cause now you're home
    And now you're free, and ...

    We have this hope as an anchor
    'Cause we believe that everything
    God promised us is true, so ...

    So we can cry with hope
    And say goodbye with hope

    We wait with hope
    And we ache with hope
    We hold on with hope
    We let go with hope