2014: A year in review

This year was full of so many changes. I have sensed a theme since I have been doing my year in reviews-a lot a lot a lot of change. Perhaps my life will not slow down until each of my kids is in college. That is exhilaratingly tiring to imagine. :)

January

It was cold. So cold. Like -30 wind chill cold. We played in the snow for, like, 5 minutes after taking close to 20 to get dressed. The boys and I started a tradition, unbeknownst at the time, of going bowling on the 1st. Andrew saw his very first movie, Frozen, and he became a crazed fan. And we got our first glimpse of baby #4.

February

The boys went to their first minor league hockey game and Andrew was enthralled. All of his favorite things in one game: fighting yelling and speed. I also battled all day nausea. It was worth every bit of it once we found out we were having a girl. I jumped, laughed, cried, and thanked God for knowing the desire of my heart. 

March

Jake registered for Kindergarten, and I was told I was to register the kids from there on out. :) The boys got green eggs and ham for Dr Seuss and we met up with old friends.

April

We celebrated Easter, my belly popped out seemingly over night and we enjoyed the sun. 

May

Jake turned 5. He got his Power Ranger Super Megaforce phone and couldn't have been more excited.  He also graduated to yellow belt and graduated Pre K. Tears were shed. I was so very proud of him. Our chickens grew and enjoyed being outside more. 

June

Andrew turned 3 this month and inwardly I grimaced. I hate 3. He's lived up to the full potential and has firmly established himself as my most spirited boy. We also found out the family was going to grow by 2-twins were on their way!

July

In July we went swimming to honor Daniel. We viewed fireworks as a family. It was a slightly less disaster then the previous year. The boys love the colors but hate the noise. VBS started and so did the boys obsession with Peppa Pig. 

August

Jake started school. I was so excited I could hardly stand it. I really only got teary eyed when he stepped onto the bus and again when I was driving Andrew to daycare. August also marked a period of unrest for Missouri. Nightly I worried over Ryan, and over my impending delivery hoping he would actually get to be there. Blessedly, God kept both him and Emma safely tucked away. Sadly, it did puncture my bubble of naivety in Ryan's job and I pray over that man's safety more so then ever. We didn't leave August without the best excitement of the year, however. Emma arrived and it was one of my most precious experiences. I've had a bond unlike anything else with that baby and she certainly tugs at your heart strings. All the Metz girls also got together for a family reunion of sorts and we got all those babies in for a photo op.

September

Four generations of women were captured when Grandma came to visit. She was a big help and Andrew took to her quickly. He still differentiates the Grandma's as "old Grandma" and "young Grandma". Jake had some growing pains in school and that was a struggle. Andrew took to Emma quickly which shocked us all. We also got the chance to pick apples for the first time. 

October

October is always bittersweet for me. It marks one of my favorite times of the year, fall, but always have a period of sadness accompany it. Next to Daniel's birthday, I tend to miss him the most at this time and it really hurts deep. Thankfully, the stirring winds play with the leaves as well as my heart and the pain is fleeting and by the end of October I am back to "normal". Per tradition, we do our yearly visit to the pumpkin patch and it was made better with a great family picture. 

November

For whatever reason, Andrew took to "sneaking" into Jake's room at night to sleep. He's about as quiet as an 18 wheeler driving down 79. (a truck did just pass and I heard it. It's loud) Honestly, I think he feels displaced at the moment and feels vey much like the middle child. It's been a big lesson in patience for me. A lesson I am still learning. Family got together once more and then we got to celebrate baby number 2 for the year when Kennedy was born. 

December

Daniel turned 7 this month and it was a big issue for me. I still don't really feel right but I am working on it. Jacob had his first Christmas concert and it was so cute. Christmas was a bit rearranged this year based on everyone's schedule but we all made it work and got to celebrate Christ's birth with a candle lit service. It was a beautiful moment. Emma also got her first cold and it about broke my heart to here her cough. (It didn't stop her from rolling over for the first time, however.)Andrew quite possibly had the flu and I quite possibly am exhausted :) 

This next year is shaping up to be just as eventful with the last 2 babies to be born, first trips and first birthday's coming in. Oh, and two 30th birthdays :) I hope to be more energetic this next year and more focused. I want to love more, play more and enjoy the littles as they grow up. And not so patiently count down until Andrew turns 4 ;)  I want my heart to grow in faith and I want to continue connecting with my husband. I am eager to see what 2015 will be and hope to look back with the same fondness that dotted 2014.

2013

2012

2011

Seven.

Daniel,

This is the birthday you would have turned 7 on. This year, it's harder for me to wrap my head around. Very much out of the toddler stage, you would be a gangly school aged boy. I look at Jake and think you would be taller then him, and the two of you would be sharing in stories and homework and learning school games. I look at Andrew and think he resembles you so very much at 3.5. The two of you would probably have gotten along so well as I know he would have been your shadow. I look at Emma and my heart beats for her and you. She is my life link to you and my beautiful present from God. I look at your Daddy and know that you are etched in his heart in such a deep way. And that he holds tight to the memories he has of you and those govern the way he makes new memories with your brothers and sister. 

We all miss you every single day. For me this year, I miss knowing how you would be as a boy and not a baby. I have been so busy this last part of the year that my guilt over not being able to take care of you in the ways I can here are weighing heavy on me. Then again, I hear Jake and Andrew talk about sending balloons up to you and knowing your birthday is here and that when I draw a heart on the calendar for the 22nd and Jake recognizes it is for you, I guess I have been doing what I set out to do first and foremost, and that is keeping you present in our family. I will even talk about you to Emma.
This year, God gave us glimpses of you. In Andrew picking a dandelion. In my dream where you talked of playing with puzzles and sharing you know about your cousin, Mason, and that Rayna was having a girl. My memory was also refreshed with time hop. In having shared about you on Facebook, I get to remember those thoughts.
This year we all get to be together to remember you and celebrate Christmas. While it worried me at first, I look forward to being able to share your birthday and Christmas together. After all, you get to also celebrate your birth and Christ's birth as well. We plan on eating Oreos and releasing balloons and your brothers will be leaving gifts at your spot. We will carry about our normal and wear you in our hearts. I will kiss your brothers and sisters and send it up to you. I will hug your Daddy and linger a bit longer.  I will let myself feel the ache of not having you here.  And through it all, I will continue to thank God that you are safely tucked away for me.
I love you, Daniel Robert, always and forever my sweet boy you will be. 

My life: November 30 2014

As we are swiftly closing in on year 2014, I have been wanting a moment to reflect on life at this time.  It's  been busy, loud, cluttered and lovely. 

Jake is 5.5 years old.  Andrew is 3.5 years old and Emma is 3 months old.  

Jake has had a complete turn around since we brought Emma home. He's going on over two months of having good behavior in school. He is the only one on book six in reading and has tripled the amount of words he recognizes. His coloring has greatly improved and so has his free hand drawing. He drew all of the Angry Birds by freehand one day in school. He really enjoys Explorers Club, the after school program, and will sometimes ask Ryan to pick him up later so he can participate in science club. He's been more helpful with putting away groceries and keeping his room clean. He's still whiney but I think that is more of age thing. 

Andrew has been having some growing pains-literally and figuratively. I think he's squarely in the middle child role and it's all taking us some time to adjust. I think in the past few weeks he has felt displaced. He's taken to sleeping with Jake now and it trying to get even closer to me physically then before. He is one of the most stubborn kids I've ever met and will stick to his guns-even if it's blatantly a lie. He also is having trouble with listening. If he gets reprimanded he immediately wants to hug you. And it is hard to reprimand him because I think he really doesn't understand and just marches to his drum. He continues to be a "helper" and finds great pride in assisting. Andrew recognizes most letters and 1-10 but has trouble with the higher ones, even thought he can count pretty high. He has more of an interest in playing with action figures and music. 

Emma is a doll. She is the queen of routine and it's definitely noticed if it's thrown off for her. She takes a mid morning nap, a long afternoon nap and a short evening nap. When she is awake, she loves to be talked to and will reciprocate. She has so much to say. She is generally a very happy baby with her bewitching hour happening around 7. She still wakes up once a night but is beginning to have periods where she sleeps all the way through. Hates her carseat if she isn't mobile and doesn't mind sitting in my Ergo. Emma is getting better at reaching and focusing on a toy and enjoys playing with her floor toys. Her tolerance level is pretty high thanks to Andrew. He has mostly good intentions but is still rough. Jake takes a softer approach. They love to call her "goo goo" and Emma Loulou. 

I've been tired. I've forgotten how difficult it is to do daily things with a baby and three children needing many different things is hard. My house gets neglected more then i like. A lot of things get half done. I just don't have the time and energy right now. I'm learning to try and be ok with that and not feel like I need to be superwoman. 

Ryan has been busy with work. No surprise there if you've kept up with current events. He doesn't leave the house without me praying for his safety. Through it all he has shown amazing strength and, I think, a deeper appreciation for our family. He adores Emmy and has way more patience with the boys. Our quiet time is short lived right now because we really just go to bed as soon as we can. 

Life right now is busy and challenging but in those moments where everything is aligned, it is the most precious. 

Photo overload

I had high hopes to complete a blog post. 

Hahahahaha.

Instead a review of the past few weeks in pictures.

I mean, this face 💗

First tooth lost! And then dropped at school. The tooth fairy still came after a letter was written explaining what happened :)

Spent some time just with Andrew. He's such a go go go kid. 

One month! 

Don't be fooled by this peaceful pic; there's vomit and boogers on my shirt, but I wasn't moving an inch with this sweetie resting on me

Look at my new trick!

Jake got to go to Target. Andrew and I went for a walk

Emma Rose

Emma arrived on August 27, 2014 at 11:01 PM, weighing in at 7 lbs. 15oz and was 20 inches long.  And is every ounce of perfection. 

With a pregnancy that was plagued by severe heartburn, sciatic pain, bladder discomfort and gestational diabetes, you were a welcomed reprieve. With a heart that still is battling hurt and stinging wounds from a little boy lost, you were a welcomed breath of life. With two little boys who would kiss and hug and talk to my belly, you were a welcomed little sister. With a Daddy who still had trouble believing you were a little girl, you were welcomed proof that I was right.

Ryan and I spent the day shopping and eating lunch and enjoying the quiet before we were to add another little babe to our lives. And periodically checking the time to see when we would get called in to induce my labor. Finally, we did get the call and headed into a moment that would change our lives forever.

From the very moment of my labor, there was a sense of love surrounding the room. Emma was ushered in by some of the closest people in my life and those that were most eager to meet her. Some of my favorite L&D girls celebrated her arrival and that made her delivery even more special. Aside from my impatience to get her here (when really, 8 hours isn't very long at all and I didn't really push her out) the day-and evening- went by fast. Pizza was ordered and texts shared as she had two very excited Aunts eagerly waiting. In a matter of 40 minutes as I watched-and felt- her move swiftly down, it was time to meet her. And I laughed so hard because I couldn't feel a darn thing. My epidural was wonderful in the sense I was the most comfortable I had been in 2 months to really aggravating because I couldn't move. (Contractions are no joke, people. I wanted to feel what they felt like and I sat at 4cm with my hips and thighs on fire, I decided it was for the birds and got the drugs ;) I got to pull her out and I couldn't help but stare at her face. I had so many emotions flowing thru me that I wasn't sure what to feel. So, I wiped her off and just stared. Her little face was slightly bruised and her little lips were swollen and she had a little 4cm swelling on the side of her head. She was the most beautiful sight. I couldn't wait to hear what she weighed so I was more then happy to pass her over and find out. She weighed as much as Andrew did when he was born. 

I think the true weight of what had just occurred hit me on post partum and I couldn't get over the fact that I was holding my little girl. I could barely sleep because I just wanted to look at her. And honestly, I still am processing it all. The transition has been good. Andrew has surprised us all and is taking to Emma so well. He is a helper and has changed diapers and gotten binkys and has been overall really good. Jake has been slightly more reserved but loves to look at Emma and pet her. He is more gentle in his affection whereas Andrew dives right in. Ryan is more hands on then off and it's wonderful to watch him take to her. So far, I really have only had one meltdown and that was when I was looking at Daniel's picture on my nightstand. It isn't so much that I am sad she won't physically know him (He is always mentioned in our house and we stopped by his spot when we were discharged so Emma could "meet" him), it was more of a feeling that it's been so long since I have seen him. But in terms of her "replacing" Daniel or making his life seem less important, it hasn't happened. In fact, his life is making her that much more important. Emma means whole; complete and her name truly fits her role in this family. 

This time around, I am really trying to enjoy my children and this season of Emma's life because this truly is the last time I will have an infant. For the most part, I am mostly ok with a house not quite clean and laundry not all done. And waking up in the night doesn't bother me at all. She locks in on my eyes in those hours and it's wonderful. Plus, my mom and Grandma have been such a big help with the boys and that helps the stress level. 

At 2 weeks, Emma is wonderful. She rarely cries, has alert times that are pretty consistent day to day. Sleeps 3-4.5 hours at night, takes breast milk and formula well and isn't bothered by brothers in her face. She is hardly put down and sleeps so peacefully. She is the loudest eater ever and "talks" all the time. She is still in newborn diapers and I would estimate her weight to be in the 8lb range.  Ryan doesn't think our boys were ever as tiny as she and he could be right. She does seem petite. I am betting she will still be taller then me though :) 

Emma has fit seamlessly into our lives and honestly, I couldn't imagine never having the chance to be her Mom. I cannot wait to see how a daughter and sister changes our lives and cannot wait to build a mother/daughter bond with her.