Sunday, December 21, 2014


This is the birthday you would have turned 7 on. This year, it's harder for me to wrap my head around. Very much out of the toddler stage, you would be a gangly school aged boy. I look at Jake and think you would be taller then him, and the two of you would be sharing in stories and homework and learning school games. I look at Andrew and think he resembles you so very much at 3.5. The two of you would probably have gotten along so well as I know he would have been your shadow. I look at Emma and my heart beats for her and you. She is my life link to you and my beautiful present from God. I look at your Daddy and know that you are etched in his heart in such a deep way. And that he holds tight to the memories he has of you and those govern the way he makes new memories with your brothers and sister. 
We all miss you every single day. For me this year, I miss knowing how you would be as a boy and not a baby. I have been so busy this last part of the year that my guilt over not being able to take care of you in the ways I can here are weighing heavy on me. Then again, I hear Jake and Andrew talk about sending balloons up to you and knowing your birthday is here and that when I draw a heart on the calendar for the 22nd and Jake recognizes it is for you, I guess I have been doing what I set out to do first and foremost, and that is keeping you present in our family. I will even talk about you to Emma.
This year, God gave us glimpses of you. In Andrew picking a dandelion. In my dream where you talked of playing with puzzles and sharing you know about your cousin, Mason, and that Rayna was having a girl. My memory was also refreshed with time hop. In having shared about you on Facebook, I get to remember those thoughts.
This year we all get to be together to remember you and celebrate Christmas. While it worried me at first, I look forward to being able to share your birthday and Christmas together. After all, you get to also celebrate your birth and Christ's birth as well. We plan on eating Oreos and releasing balloons and your brothers will be leaving gifts at your spot. We will carry about our normal and wear you in our hearts. I will kiss your brothers and sisters and send it up to you. I will hug your Daddy and linger a bit longer.  I will let myself feel the ache of not having you here.  And through it all, I will continue to thank God that you are safely tucked away for me.
I love you, Daniel Robert, always and forever my sweet boy you will be. 

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your heart. Love, Prayers and Blessings to you and your family.