I think I stared at the title bar of this for a full 5 minutes just trying to figure out how to title this post. So far, I have, "yes, it's really been almost 5 months since I have posted", "where to begin" and "I'm pregnant"
I guess I can start with the most shocking and surprising. Pregnant. With a baby. Something I never thought I would ever experience again. Something Ryan is still grappling with 23 weeks later. I've become a statistic now. A baby made due to user error-and divinely gifted down to us by a God who sees so much more then I can-especially at the moment the line turned positive. I guess that is a big reason it's taken this long to write. Many of my thoughts were not of one that would be incredibly elated at baby news. I struggled with anxiety, stress, happiness, sadness, worry and elation-and frankly, still do. They have a name for a baby after a stillbirth or a miscarriage, but what is a baby after a toddler loss? How does one come to terms with a baby who was never thought of but suddenly so important to a mother heart? How can one try to explain the prayers cried out to a God of,
"I know it's already been decided, but Lord, I don't know if I could handle it being a boy, please help me if it is" or relying on 2 Cor 10:5 to take captive every thought of fear because loss is no longer something I am immune to. My heart cannot be broken again and satan drew me captive feeding off my worry and doubt. Or how can one explain, that in all of that mess, this baby is a lifeline for those that still hurt. This baby will be restoring wounds that need healing? That this baby is a welcomed little sister for one little guy who kept asking for one.
Sometimes I can barely explain it myself, so I knew there was no way I could write about it yet.
But tonight I sit, urged over news of someone who lost a child, to write. Write what specifically, I do not know; I just know I need to write words. I guess to show that I am still alive-a living, breathing beautiful mess of a grieving/pregnant/tired/joyful mother. I guess to write that in the midst of some of the hardest moments of a life, there is hope. It may not come in a package to ever be expected, but it's there gifted in ways only God knows will heal and help. That life is ever changing and to hold on; that there are moments that do not look so pretty, but are there to help make the next moments shine with glory. I guess to write most importantly, that faith in God will always be tested and stretched and questioned but always to know He has the story written and to rely on Him to help lay the chapters out. That the ending He has written is far more beautiful then anything played out prior.
I guess I write for me, for this little girl growing in me, for mother's, for those that hurt or are searching, for those the need raw words and no sugar coating, for those that need assurance in the One who loves with everlasting faithfulness. For the one on my mind and in the prayers from my lips. You are loved, you are held, you will make it.