Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I keep a picture of you as my screen lock on my phone. I guess it's my way of acknowledging you on a real level. Today at work I had the idea to rotate your picture out. I scrolled the the very top of my photos because that's where all of yours reside and I came across one of you holding Andrew. Seeing you hold your brother, your little hands protectively covering him and your head turned into his was almost too much. Sitting there, remembering those moments. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair that they were cut so short. I still don't go to that place often. That place of "what would you be doing" "what would you look like" "what would you love or hate".  I'm afraid of what I may feel even giving in to those questions just a little bit. It doesn't go unnoticed on the surface. I think of you daily. Every single day you enter my mind. It's been 18 months. Almost to the point of half the life I had with you. It angers me that I don't get new stories to remember or new pictures to place on my screen lock. I feel so cheated sometimes. 
It rained and thundered today. Jake was scared. I told him you loved the rain and thunder and to know that whenever he hears it, you're right next to him. He fell asleep within minutes. I wondered when you would come protect me from my fears. 
I can say I miss you a million times. I could scream it from a mountain and here the words reverberate back to me. It still couldn't convey the depth of pain I feel missing you in our day to day life. How can I really explain what it feels like to have a part of my heart break everyday? How can I really describe the turmoil and tug of war with wanting to wish you back but never wanting you to leave the glories of Heaven?  Sometimes, it just plain sucks and there isn't much I can do but pray this release gets me through to the next.
I just really, really, miss you right now, bud. 


  1. I'm sorry it was such a bad day for you... Love you

  2. I am thinking about you and praying for you...... We are going to be starting a grief group at church. Don't know if you are interested, but it is coming soon (probably in March.)

    1. I would for sure. I'm at a place now for that

  3. I think I probably say the same thing when I comment on your posts but you are amazing!! I think so much of you~ Sending you a giant hug!