Levels

I have three sons. Two are present physically and one is waiting for me in Heaven and ever present in my heart. I can't quite pinpoint when it happened but sometime after July 19th a separation seemed to form. It wasn't until I posted this picture of Daniel and Andrew that I even realized it had happened. 

I have two sons. Two sons that share my time, photos, toys and food. Two sons that are continuing to grow up with one another. And then I have one son. One son whose images stop at 3.5 years. A son that I've seemed to tuck deeper into my heart and who occupies my solitary thoughts. 

Whether subconsciously or not, I have separated my thoughts into Jake&Andrew and Daniel. I could never forget my three men are brothers but I've failed myself in sharing that they are three brothers; whether it be on social media or in my day to day life. I don't know if that is part of a normal process; I do have to carry on and give the boys-and myself-a semblance of normalcy, or if I just successfully unlatched a part of my family. It isn't just Jake&Andrew and Daniel now, it will always be Daniel, Jake and Andrew and seeing my oldest and youngest next to one another ignited so much in me. 

I don't want this to be what's normal. I want to share their special bond. Jake and Daniel's two years together getting into mischief, having to vie for attention, their conversations. Daniel and Andrew's physical similarities, Daniel's gentle and loving actions towards his baby brother. Daniel, Jake and Andrew's first July 4th together, their first park adventure, sharing time in the car with one another, helping with bottles and diapers and squishing in together on the couch. Comparing one another at different stages like a mom is supposed to do {even if we say we don't; we do} and marveling at the differences. And I want to see pictures of them next to one another and not feel like I've placed them in different portions of my heart. If I don't make the change now, then I feel the memories that I have to share will fade away and the boys won't remember themselves as three. 

I cannot wait to really sit down and place pictures in my albums and start the process of constructing a book for each of the boys and their special relationship with one another. They need this. I need this.