Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I'm ok.

I took a picture of myself with Andrew the other day during our {very} brief rainstorm.  Right off the bat, I sensed something different about the photo.  (Aside from the fact that I'm actually in one)  A few months back, I posted about this.  While sitting in bed, I couldn't stop staring at this picture:
and at this one :
and noticing the glaring difference-me.
I look so peaceful now.  And I feel ok writing that.  
I have had a hellish year.  The very worst a Mother could ever have.  I have changed more this year than in my previous 26.  And I've learned so much more, too.  This year was about survival and letting go.  I have had some truly dark moments but each time I come out better, stronger in myself, more faith-filled.  
As July 19th so quickly approaches, I am taking more time to reflect on what this past year has done for me.  I've cried-a lot.  I've missed and hurt deeply.  I've hit parked cars.  (True story)  I've gotten angry over little things.  I've hated a house. (Still do)  But, I've also made new friends. I've watched my family grow closer. I've allowed myself to be broken and built back up. I've humbled myself before my God and my church and received pure love. I've recommitted myself to my marriage and my children. I've let go of control that isn't necessary. I've opened my heart to different choices. I've allowed myself to be a vessel to God (something I surely would not have done one year ago). I've accepted good intentions from others.  I've taken better care of my patients.  I've made a point to include God in my daily life-and not just when I'm troubled.  I've felt release writing this blog.  I've accepted I am forever a changed person.  And I am finally beginning to understand the scripture Kevin showed that night.

 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I am a living, walking, breathing testimony to God's love and I am not afraid to share that anymore.  Yup.  And even after my horrible tragedy, I can say that.  Because, really, it's not so tragic when you've had a year to reflect on what Daniel's life-and eternal life-have given me.  My heart does ache for him, but my life has been renewed.  For me, Daniel has given me hope, a new chance, a promise I will hold him in my arms again.  And 3 beautiful years as his Mommy.


  1. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face (in a good way). That is so beautifully expressed and it is so precious. My sister and I said we want to be you - your spiritual growth is tremendous. Thank you for sharing this. We are so blessed to know you!

    1. I have a lot to thank you guys for. For loving my family and me and for building up such a strong church home.

  2. Beautiful post, Amanda! Thanks for being such an amazing example of faith, hope, and trust for me.