Friday, February 10, 2012

Bitter and sweet

I noticed the other day that I rarely have pictures of myself since I am the one behind the lens often. It's because of that, that I do not have a picture of myself and all 3 of my boys and that makes me so sad. I now know all too well what it means to wait until tomorrow what I can surely do that day. But that isn't really what I meant to write about. I took this picture of me and my men while we were playing in Andrew's room. I'm sure this is take 52 or something else outrageous. Andrew is sorta blinking because of the flash and Jake is doubling up on the thumb sucking. My boys at their best :) Because I do not have many pictures of myself, I tend to probably be a little more critical when I am in them. Of course I love that I captured play time with Jake and Andrew but the more I looked at me, the more I ached for the girl in the picture. I am 26 years old, and oftentimes I have to remind myself that I really am that young. What most people experience over their lifetime, I have in 5 short years. I have had a full time career, married and birthed 3 beautiful boys, become a homeowner and experienced the loss of a child. Where I once had bright sparkling eyes and a face full of fun, I now notice a grin that can't quite reach the corners of my mouth and eyes that have seen too much. A heart that sometimes weighs so heavy in my chest. As the 7 month "anniversary" is approaching, these thoughts are becoming more prevalent in my mind. I wonder when this moment to moment living will get better...times surely does not heal all wounds, but time, I know, will help ease hurt. Where I am now as opposed to where I was in the weeks after Daniel's death is substantial, but I know this journey is still early.

I dreamed of Daniel last night. I remember as I was getting ready for bed last night, I asked to have a dream about him. I have dreamt of him only 3 times since July, 2 where he was hurt and I couldn't fix him and once when he was so proud he pooped on the potty (that one made me smile). Last night I was in a park, lush with greenery, and I was talking to a man (could never see his face) and he asked me if I wanted to see Daniel, but I could only for a short while. Daniel appeared sitting on a rock and I ran to him and scooped him up. I could see he was wearing a red sweatshirt and grey sweatpants and his hair was in need of a haircut (like always :) and I could see his little boy toes. I could feel me hug him so tight. I don't remember what we talked about but I do remember he was happy, but he said he missed me. I asked him if he wanted to hold Andrew and he did. We walked towards Andrew sitting on a couch (not really sure how that got there in a park) and he sat down next to him. In typical almost 8 month old fashion, it was a little hard to hold Andrew because he wanted to sit on his own. But Daniel was near him. I woke shortly after that. I think it may have been my best sleep since July.


  1. I'm so happy he came to you in your dream! That made me a bit teary eyed reading that - what a wonderful dream! When I lost a close friend I dreamed about her shortly after that and it was so comforting and SO real. I don't remember any other dreams I had 18 years ago but I remember that one like it just happened last night. I hope you have more comforting, sweet dreams of him!

  2. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for sharing your honest thoughts and journey! You are amazing to share this with us.

    I felt such peace, when reading about your dream about Daniel! God Bless you Amanda!

  3. "May the Lord bless you....May the Lord smile upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you His favor and give you His peace." Numbers 6:24-26

  4. I've always believed when our loved ones come to us in a dream they are actually visiting us because they know at that moment we need them. When you woke up you could still feel him hugging you right? and in the three days since you wrote this you can still feel him hugging you? That was Daniel coming in to say hi and to give you more of his love. Cherish these dreams because like you said they are few but when they do happen...WOW!!! God is good:) And what a Valentine gift that hug was too!!!!

    1. I'm still thinking about it. I miss that boy.

  5. what a precious dream. you have a beautiful heart. may the Lord continue to grant you sweet moments in the midst of your journey. many blessings, my dear!

  6. Amanda, thank you for sharing your dream about Daniel. It brought tears to my eyes, I know it was so special for you.

  7. God does use dreams as one of His means. It's one of the best ways to relate to us most intimately. I'm glad you had this dream. You and Ryan have one gift most of us can't share -- you knew Daniel well enough to dream the most and the most in depth about him. What a gift from God...continue to enjoy it!