I noticed the other day that I rarely have pictures of myself since I am the one behind the lens often. It's because of that, that I do not have a picture of myself and all 3 of my boys and that makes me so sad. I now know all too well what it means to wait until tomorrow what I can surely do that day. But that isn't really what I meant to write about. I took this picture of me and my men while we were playing in Andrew's room. I'm sure this is take 52 or something else outrageous. Andrew is sorta blinking because of the flash and Jake is doubling up on the thumb sucking. My boys at their best :) Because I do not have many pictures of myself, I tend to probably be a little more critical when I am in them. Of course I love that I captured play time with Jake and Andrew but the more I looked at me, the more I ached for the girl in the picture. I am 26 years old, and oftentimes I have to remind myself that I really am that young. What most people experience over their lifetime, I have in 5 short years. I have had a full time career, married and birthed 3 beautiful boys, become a homeowner and experienced the loss of a child. Where I once had bright sparkling eyes and a face full of fun, I now notice a grin that can't quite reach the corners of my mouth and eyes that have seen too much. A heart that sometimes weighs so heavy in my chest. As the 7 month "anniversary" is approaching, these thoughts are becoming more prevalent in my mind. I wonder when this moment to moment living will get better...times surely does not heal all wounds, but time, I know, will help ease hurt. Where I am now as opposed to where I was in the weeks after Daniel's death is substantial, but I know this journey is still early.
I dreamed of Daniel last night. I remember as I was getting ready for bed last night, I asked to have a dream about him. I have dreamt of him only 3 times since July, 2 where he was hurt and I couldn't fix him and once when he was so proud he pooped on the potty (that one made me smile). Last night I was in a park, lush with greenery, and I was talking to a man (could never see his face) and he asked me if I wanted to see Daniel, but I could only for a short while. Daniel appeared sitting on a rock and I ran to him and scooped him up. I could see he was wearing a red sweatshirt and grey sweatpants and his hair was in need of a haircut (like always :) and I could see his little boy toes. I could feel me hug him so tight. I don't remember what we talked about but I do remember he was happy, but he said he missed me. I asked him if he wanted to hold Andrew and he did. We walked towards Andrew sitting on a couch (not really sure how that got there in a park) and he sat down next to him. In typical almost 8 month old fashion, it was a little hard to hold Andrew because he wanted to sit on his own. But Daniel was near him. I woke shortly after that. I think it may have been my best sleep since July.