Monday, February 6, 2012

Why has this taken me a week to write?

We picked out your name and your nursery colors. We picked out the clothes you would wear and what type of diapers we would use. We picked out your toys and your books. We picked out the food you could eat and the carseats that would keep you safe. We have picked out your toddler bedding and planned outings that you would enjoy. Last week, we picked out your marker.

It's been something I have been dreading for some time. It's the final decision that wraps up the end (of this life at least) Ryan and I picked a day when the boys would be occupied so we would have time to choose. It goes without saying we've never had the chance to pick out a marker and it wasn't something I wanted to preplan ahead of time. That day all I was banking on was a prayer that had graced my lips. "Lord, please go before us and make this an easy decision". He had already given me a foundation-a supportive husband and some great people at the cemetery. And that day was not a disappointment. As Ryan and I flipped through the pages offering different options, the weight of this decision was starting to press down on me-and then we saw the heart markers. It was so simple, but it spoke of everything that little boy meant to me-and to Ryan. It was perfectly unique to our situation as not many, if any, of the markers were heart shaped at the cemetery. It felt right picking that out and it will be nice to have a final marker and not a temporary one resting at Daniel's spot.

Of course, the Lord in all his glory went a step further and gave us a wonderful evening too. My day was a little darkened by all the decisions we had to make so we decided to call up friends and go out to eat. It was wonderful. It felt so nice to laugh and watch all the kids experience their first hibachi grill. Even if Jake was not a fan of the fire up close. But what made this outing especially sweet (and if you haven't noticed I don't typically write about Ryan; he's super personal and I know would not want our private life posted, but I have to share this) was Ryan's laughter. His deep, from the gut, happiness. It's been awhile since I've seen him give in to that. God, it was so nice to see that, thank you for that evening.

In other news, we got an offer on the house that week too! Praise God! It's only been on the market since the 17th of January. Now, just putting my faith in God that our mortgage company works with us and we have no bumps in the road and this sale moves quickly.

Andrew also learned to officially clap last week and has been doing constantly since. It is so funny to watch. That kid is awesome.

Oh! And my first meeting with Wings is tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing what I can do to be a part of this awesome program!


  1. A heart marker sounds perfect! Thanks for sharing your feelings. You are loved and thought of often!
    "The King is enthralled with your beauty. Honor Him for He is your Lord." (Ps. 45:11)

  2. You're a wise woman to consider the wishes and sensitivities of your husband! But, I'm sure glad to hear of his ability to laugh again! I've so wanted that for him! God also wants that of him.