Saturday, February 25, 2012

Double time

I've been thinking about Daniel doubly this week. I've just had a series of events and thoughts that have occurred and has been making it near impossible to not think about him constantly. I have had a few people ask how I have been doing this week and it makes me wonder if it's that noticeable on my face (which in turn makes me think more) Our ice skating fundraiser for Daniel is coming up next weekend and obviously that makes me think about why we're doing a fundraiser in the first place. We approved the final sketch of Daniel's marker a few days ago. More people are mentioning they are pregnant with their third baby and it makes me a little sad. I feel cheated sometimes. Jake and Andrew have been interacting more together and it's hard not to think how Daniel would have fitted into this brotherly equation. I look at Jake and think he is such a second child through and through and I wonder how he will fit into the "first" brother roll with Andrew. Andrew is starting to get Daniel tendencies and while it isn't completely fair to make comparisons to your kids-Andrew is his own person, of course, just listen to him. He is by far our loudest child with the roundest head :)-Ryan and I see some of the things Daniel did at Andrew's age. And it's noticeable; Jake at 8 months was completely different.
I'm starting to have trouble sleeping again. In fact, I was going to get up last night-rather, early this morning-and write, but I forced myself to stay in bed. Instead, I talked myself through a lot of what I was feeling. All of this is so two sided and conflicting emotions make it harder to sift through. What eventually helped me fall asleep was knowing Daniel and his legacy is here and His promise that I will see Daniel again. It stops the hard ache of missing him. It was really just kind of a downer day yesterday, Ryan totally noticed I was acting strangely, I just didn't realize it until later that night, and I'm praying for a little grace today. I would like to enjoy the day for what it is.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you will have a better day, today. I'm thinking of you and praying for you and Ryan and your whole family.