Monday, November 28, 2011

Not for the faint of heart. Heck, I don't even want to read it again.

Do you know how hard it is to peek in on my children every night and constantly remind myself that instead of checking in on 3, I only get to check in on 2? It's a fresh dose of reality every night.

I got to watch my niece today for my brother and sister in law. And while that was so much fun (she is such a clever and endearing little girl. She helped put away groceries and helped me sweep) it was also a reminder that I should be taking care of 3 kids everyday.

I've been thinking about Christmas a lot. Looking at toys for the boys, I find myself wanting to reach for toys Daniel would have wanted. I get to place presents under the tree this year...and at a grave. Not fair.

I've realized that I have put off talking with my Christian counselor for way too long. I can feel the enemy starting to edge his way in and it's making me doubt myself as a Mother and a Christian. It's hard to cry out in thanksgiving to our Lord when all I want to do is cry. I've got a ton of people rallying around me, and it feels like I'm building a wall around myself.

I'm not angry at God (which isn't the norm, I suppose). On one hand, I accept....maybe accept? that Daniel's life and legacy came down to July 19th because I can see the changes in my life and others; but on the other hand, it hurts so darn much and just isn't fair. I'm not supposed to outlive my children.

I have a love/hate relationship with pictures. Seeing his face, his smile, remembering his laugh, it's good and bad.

I think I'm becoming an insomniac.

It feels better typing this out. But can you believe that this isn't even all of what I think about?


  1. I wish I could take the pain for you. I'm here if you want to talk. I think talking to your Christian counselor is a great idea. I'm thinking of you!

    This verse keeps going around in my head: "For unto us a child is born; unto us a Son is given. And the government shall be upon his shoulders; and His name shall be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." (Is. 9:6)

    I pray that the Everlasting Father, who gave up his One and Only Son and knows your pain, will minister to you through the Prince of Peace and that our Mighty God will bring comfort to your heart and provide for you a wonder of a counselor.

  2. Hang in there Amanda! The scripture passage that comes to my mind is found in 2 Corinthians:

    "7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

    13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.”[b] Since we have that same spirit of[c] faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

    16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

    I agree with you it's NOT FAIR! However, I guess fairness went out the window when sin came in. It just makes NO sense short of God's plan of salvation. I feel wed to your tragedy, which (by default) means I'm also invested in your success. The truth is you and Ryan are doing so great! Sometimes your feelings betray you. You're making your way through this season of life, leaning on each other. And I know you're leaning and depending on Christ. You're such a blessing to sooooo many! Yet, that being said, it's still NOT FAIR! We weep when you weep and we rejoice when you rejoice. You are not alone!

    Remember, God draws with squiggly lines :-).

  3. just found your blog, Amanda..

    Thinking of you tonight.
    As I mentioned, I've been having trouble talking to God lately.. but I think tonight I'm going to hit my knees and talk to Him for both of us.