I got to watch my niece today for my brother and sister in law. And while that was so much fun (she is such a clever and endearing little girl. She helped put away groceries and helped me sweep) it was also a reminder that I should be taking care of 3 kids everyday.
I've been thinking about Christmas a lot. Looking at toys for the boys, I find myself wanting to reach for toys Daniel would have wanted. I get to place presents under the tree this year...and at a grave. Not fair.
I've realized that I have put off talking with my Christian counselor for way too long. I can feel the enemy starting to edge his way in and it's making me doubt myself as a Mother and a Christian. It's hard to cry out in thanksgiving to our Lord when all I want to do is cry. I've got a ton of people rallying around me, and it feels like I'm building a wall around myself.
I'm not angry at God (which isn't the norm, I suppose). On one hand, I accept....maybe accept? that Daniel's life and legacy came down to July 19th because I can see the changes in my life and others; but on the other hand, it hurts so darn much and just isn't fair. I'm not supposed to outlive my children.
I have a love/hate relationship with pictures. Seeing his face, his smile, remembering his laugh, it's good and bad.
I think I'm becoming an insomniac.
It feels better typing this out. But can you believe that this isn't even all of what I think about?