Saturday, November 19, 2011

This is going to be a rambler

We took family pictures yesterday. Honestly, how I got Ryan to agree is still beyond me but I rolled with it. Aside from candid family pictures during birthday parties and the like, this was our first real family photo. It makes me sad to think Daniel wasn't in them. I'm sure it's going to make me sad every time we have another family photo session. I compensated his absence by wearing my Daniel necklace; it made it feel like his presence was there a little.

During the shoot, Jess wanted a picture of just me to add the the collection of photos she had already taken. Afterwards, I realized what had been bothering me about taking a single shot of myself. I felt exposed. It was a good picture of me [ she let me take a peek after] but I felt so alone in it. It felt awkward. Thinking back, I cannot remember a picture of just myself since 2004. For so long I have been Ryan's wife and Daniel, Jake and Andrew's Mom and I feel comfortable in those roles; I feel secure. Do I want to establish myself into something else? I'm not sure; I don't think I do because I love my persona as a wife and mom, that really has always been my life long ambition, but why was I so uncomfortable with just me?

Aside from that existentialist approach to me, the shoot was fun. Jake was a riot and Ryan went with the flow [God bless him]. Im excited to see the final product. Jess is phenomenal.

Today marks 4 months since Daniel passed away. I've been so caught up in thinking of how it's going to be during his birthday and the holidays that today completely took me off guard. I realized only after I felt on edge with everyone, what was truly bothering me. It hit me hard. I wasn't prepared for the depth of my emotion or my extreme ache of missing his little body cradled next to me, of missing his voice saying, "Mommy". I want to hear that so bad.

I've been a mess all day and have felt so edgy but here in the silence of my home, I've been meditating on my feelings and talking to God. He's allowed me to cry out to him in sadness, in bitterness, He's not fighting me to control myself, but He's sweetly and gently reminding me though scripture to follow Him, to trust him. He knows I'm hurting, He's not going to downplay my pain by any means, but He is going to raise me up when I am done. And He's going to remind me-again-that He has me, He has Daniel and He has my family.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls"
Matthew 11: 28-29


  1. Thanks for sharing your pain and sorrow and also your joy. I'm praying for you! When your emotions come in waves, remember we are here if you need us.
    Remembering Daniel and thinking of you!