Monday, March 19, 2012

A visit

Today isn't the first time I have taken the boys to Daniel's spot, but today was the first time that Andrew got to leave the car to visit. Driving up is difficult in the car because Jake always asks where Daniel is but this time he wanted to know why. Ugh. How do you explain all of that to a 2 year old? Luckily, he is 2 and was easily distracted by the fountain near Daniel's spot. Gives me more time to formulate an age appropriate answer. (Feel free to chime in with help!) Anyway, I sat Andrew down and Jake quickly grabbed Daniel's police car to play. It gave me time to listen to our windchime that plays along so melodically with Daniel's neighbors' chime and enjoy the sun warming my skin. It's not often I feel complete peace there, but today, with all my boys and the beautiful weather, it was near complete peace. Our permanent marker should be in soon and I am anxious to see it in place...and to see some grass sprout up; it's so naked.

It's difficult to believe it's been 8 months. I woke up at 6:30 to feed Andrew and realized it was the 19th, and waited for some kind of emotion to well up, but it didn't happen. It wasn't until I was visiting his spot that the full force of what today is hit me. I think I handled it well. I think July 19th is weighing more heavily on my heart so this is nothing (in comparison). And Mother's Day. And the fact I work the 12th and Ryan works on Mother's day. I think I may need to switch that; I don't know if I'll be able to see new Mom's excitement-atleast this year.

I spent some time looking at pictures of Daniel last night and it never occurred to me that his hair laid to the right from the moment he was born. I remember fighting that hair so much to lay how I wanted it to. It annoyed me then, but to see it lying that way in his casket, the familiarity in a very upturned time, was so comforting. Ryan was the one to point it out; I couldn't stop staring at his hands. I am so glad he did.


  1. If I can find it, I might have a book you can read to the boys. It is a book written for children about death. It is called: "Someone I Love Died." I will see if I can find it.

    1. That would be awesome; we have a book about Heaven but it;s the "why questions" that leave me stumped