Thursday, March 1, 2012

...and then it happened

I still live July 19th like it's today. I imagine it will be that way for some time. I'm not immune to what people have said in response to Daniel's death. I've read it; anyone that knows me has probably read it. Taken at face value it sounds horrific. I am not downplaying the tragedy I have felt; I saw it with my own eyes-I still see it in my car, in my dreams, on my couch, lying in my bed. But in those minutes of discovery, something changed in me. That's what people don't know and didn't read.

My heart broke a thousand times and was restored simultaneously. At that moment kneeling by Daniel's head, I knew God was with my son. It was this God that picked me up from the floor after I fervently prayed over my son, "please, God, be with him", and instrumented the rest of my life at that very moment. It was this God that gave me the strength to pray as we rode to the hospital to give Daniel back if Daniel couldn't be Daniel anymore. It was my God that got me through planning his funeral and making such hard decisions perfect for Daniel. It was my God that surrounded myself and my family with love, prayer and support by so many people. And it was my God that held his promise of peace the moment I saw my son again.
Oh my gosh, the peace. Standing beside Ryan, gripping his hand and staring down at our boy and knowing he's ok and we would be ok; it consumed my whole being. I wish there were enough words to describe it. It was like I was given more breath inside of me. I was absolutely stunned.

I cannot say the days following have been easy on me. I believe I have cried enough tears to fill an ocean. I've been distant, quiet, envious, frustrated and hopeless. But would I change the course of this journey? Do I wish my son back? The answer is no. Daniel's loss has permanently cemented God's promise in my heart. I WILL see my son again; healthy and whole and beautiful. He is exactly where he belongs. To want him back to a world like this would be so selfish of me. I was graced to have him for a short while and I will always have him in my heart; and eventually he will be in my arms again. Do I miss him? EVERY minute of every day. Sometimes the weight of his life and his death hang so heavy on my heart. Sometimes I feel like I just can't give enough love to my family because I am consumed with so much sadness. It takes all of me-and then some-to paste a smile on my face and I still fail miserably many times.

My secret to making it? Well, He's not so secret if you know where to look...

...and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:7

He reached down from Heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters
Psalm 18:16


  1. Amanda, you have a gift and are amazing with words! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. (Thinking of sweet Daniel, as I type this!) May God continue to hold you up, and love you as He always has! Hugs and prayers being sent your way!

  2. The tears are welling up in my eyes and running down my face, thank you for your honesty and opening your heart to us. Trusting in the Lord is so hard at times. The hope we have in Him is a wonderful thing! Praising God with you!

  3. very well said! Thanks for sharing!

  4. Amanda~
    I want you to know that I read your blog every time you post. I keep your posts open on my computer for days hoping to find the right words to comment to you~ But the "right" words never come. I want you to know that I think you are an amazing and incredibly strong woman and I am so glad that our paths have crossed, even just in the blog world. You are so inspirational!
    Thank you for sharing so much from your heart!
    ~Tiffany :)

  5. YOU...GO...GIRL!!!! Way to face the issue and take the power back from Satan! Way to despise the shame as Christ did as He was facing the cross. Way to take the cloak of perceived shame and embarassment and turning it into one of victory and break-through. That's the power you have in Christ! That's what He intends through all of this. He wants you to comfort others with the comfort wherewith you've been comforted! Thanks for being so bold and brave as to share your story because therein lies your healing!