Monday, January 16, 2012

6 months

6 months. 6 months. I feel like I am in a weird state of limbo right now. On one side, I have been moving on, creating a new kind of day and keeping busy and on the other side, I can stop right in my tracks and get hit all over again with that fact that Daniel is gone and have to relive everything again. Each side is hard; moving away from him and reminding myself all over again that he isn't here physically. It's getting to a point now where it's a little harder to remember his voice and that makes me so sad because his voice was everything. That kid could never be quiet; he always had to know about something, tell us something, remind us of something. It was endearing and annoying all at the same time ♥ Mostly, I just miss holding him and tucking him into bed and reading to him and pushing him on the swing, and having him help cook with me and watching him try to squeeze his body into a cozy coupe... OK, I just miss all of him-even the fighting to go to bed and the escape tactics to get out of the house (ok, maybe not that one as much) and the food foraging and dumping on carpet and the crazy schemes he talked Jake in to. Man, I pray Jake doesn't do that with Andrew :) But maybe the one thing I miss the most is seeing him sit next to his little brothers. My pictures are never whole. It's still hard to look at new ones.
I do thank God that Jake can still remember him. He still shares with Daniel, practices saying all of Daniel's name and will randomly mention something of Daniel (even though Rach and I still can't figure out what he was talking about when we were driving the other day). He also associates blonde haired cartoons with Daniel.

Andrew will know all about his biggest brother too. I make a point of showing him pictures of all 3 of them together and of Daniel separately.
Recently, (and this so hugely personal and I cannot believe I am sharing it but Sunday school empowered me and I have to share this testimony) I got down on my knees where Daniel had laid and I thanked God. I thanked him for holding Daniel, for holding us up, for giving us our family, for walking before us and making the planning come together so seamlessly for his funeral, for protecting us, for providing for us, for lifting the cover over my eyes concerning my self, for staying by me when I mess up me and for working on my family. It's taken me a long while to be thankful for all of this but it hit me that day so powerfully that all I could do was fall and cry out. I think that was a turning point for me. I felt released of added bondage. I have noticed my heart change more since that day. I know I can make it through the rest of my life because I have His support within me. And that is exactly how I am doing "all of this" .

6 months. My life has been turned around, back around, and turned around again. But I am getting there, I am making it and I am thanking God for seeing me through it all.


  1. So powerful.....and so good! The Psalmist says over and over "I cried out to the Lord and He heard my cry!" So true. Thanks for sharing!

  2. You've grown wise beyond your years this past 6 months...I'm so sorry for that. But, the Potter has been fashioning you into a beautiful vessel that brings Him honor. You won't be complete this side of Heaven, but thank you for sharing the pain and the joy of the process with us.

  3. I am so happy that you are finding a peace, of sorts. I'm so grateful to be able to call you my friend! I have learned more about faith, understanding and God from you in the last 6 months than I have in years of study on my own. You truly are a blessing to so many people!

  4. Wow! Wish I could say I was as spiritually mature as you when I was your age! But, I can't say I wished I got there the way you did. Nevertheless, one look at Jesus will wipe all of the negatives of this world away -- IMMEDIATELY!!! I look so forward to that day. Praise Him!

  5. Death is nothing at all.
    I have only slipped away into the next room.
    I am I and you are you.
    Whatever we were to each other,
    that we are still.
    Call me by my old familiar name,
    speak to me in the easy way
    which you always used.
    Put no difference into your tone;
    wear no false air of solemnity or sorrow.
    Laugh as we always laughed
    at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
    Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
    Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
    ...I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
    somewhere very near just around the corner.
    All is well.
    —Henry Scott Holland, English clergyman and theologian

  6. Anon: that is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing

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  7. Lifting you up. 6 months was one of the roughest times for me after Carleigh died. Keeping leaning on God to get you through b/c He is the ONLY one who can walk us thru this and comfort our hearts.