*I'm not crazy. This torrid wave of emotions is totally normal. Society today wants us to cleanly finish one grief process before moving to the next and that's not normal. I'm in denial, anger, and bargaining everyday, multiple times a day. Even though it still makes me sick to my stomach to jump around so much, I feel like I can get a better handle on things.
*I've been too hard on myself. I try and put up a brave front for people around me, and it just hurts me more. Im grieving, people. I lost my first son and it makes me cry and it hurts. If you see me distant, or tearful or moody deal with it-or walk away. I need this time.
*Society isn't a fan of grief. We have a get on and get over it attitude. But how can you get over losing a huge chunk of your heart? This is precisely why I have this blog; to share my experiences and share my walk with God in all of this. People don't talk about losing a child, but it happens and there aren't a lot of places to go to get confirmation that what you may be experiencing is normal.
*I'm embarrassed by what happened. I feel like people may have a situational sorry for me. 'Oh, that's how your son died? OK, I'm not as sorry now'. I feel like my character as a Mom is being judged. Maybe that's all in my head? I don't know, so I don't say exactly what happened. Plus, some people just don't need to know.
*I have got a looong way to go before I ever feel slightly normal again. I'm slowly accepting that.
*I'm looking forward to my next session. Counseling may not be for everyone, but I'm a talker and here is someone who isn't going to judge me, or make me feel guilty for crying (seriously, I've been holding back tears from others for so long that I had to remind myself it was ok to cry in front of my counselor because he won't care) and has a perspective on what is going on inside of my head. And is someone who can give me spiritual advice in addition.
AWESOME, Amanda! I love that you finally got around to going! Clearly, I am a strong believer in the mental health system, and I think the points you hit on are so important. Traumatic events bring into clear focus who is a strong support and who is not support at all...those who aren't support or who make you feel guilty for being sad- RUN AWAY! You are entitled to your grief and expected to grieve...it is so important that you DO grieve! Love you, girl, and your counselor sounds awesome!
ReplyDeleteGlad it went so well!
ReplyDeleteThat is great! I know how much it's helped my husband after losing his best friend and brother. I'll be thinking of you guys this week and praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you found a counselor you're comfortable with! **Christie T
ReplyDeleteI am really happy that you have found a path that will help you in the way that you need and get you to the place you belong.
ReplyDeleteDon't ever be ashamed of grieving! You will probably do it in some form or another until the day you go. Nobody can understand what you are going through, so they have no right to judge you at all. You need to worry about you & your family. Who cares what others think (or you think they think). I am always here if you need to cry (or vent!) Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear about how well the counseling went. Continuing to pray for you. Let us know if you need anything.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it went well. You never have to hide your grief from us. And for what it's worth, I don't feel that partial sympathy. If anything more, because I can't even imagine the added stress of being in the public eye on top of dealing with losing my son. It's cruelty on top of tragedy.
ReplyDeletenever be ashamed of grief! you endured a huge loss and you've been strong for your kids - you need this time to grieve! I'm so glad you've found a safe place.
ReplyDeleteOh, sweetie...my heart breaks for you.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through an LPM comment you left.I pray that you find the acceptance for yourself and from others to grieve how you ned to grieve - it may take YEARS - you don't need to apologize to anyone.
Another help from someone going through something similar - she lost her son in September and blogs about what she's going through - is aninchofgray.blogspot.com.
Prayers for you...
Anon: thank you so much for leading me to Anna's blog and for the prayers. I appreciate it so much.
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