Quiet

Had a moment-a long moment- when all I wanted to do is question why today. Why Daniel? Why us? Why couldn't he have been spared? Why do I have to answer "how many children do you have" at work multiple times a night? Why were these children spared and not mine? Why did You do this? And of all places where I could have broken down, it was Lifeway bookstore. Surrounded by the comforts and reminders of God's grace and love. But maybe that is why I questioned why...Because I was surrounded by His grace. Because He wanted me to be comfortable enough to throw these questions at him. Because He wanted me to be raw and open-so He could show me this. I was looking for a children's Bible for Jake (and found a really cute, rhyming Bible that he is going to love) and came across it. Ironic that I found it in a Children's Bible:

"Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet, I want your will to be done, not mine. Then an angel appeared from Heaven and strengthened Him."

Luke 22:42-43

It took me actually sitting down at home to grasp the entire truth of it; literally I had to write down what I was feeling for it to dawn on me. And it all goes back to God perspective. (Thanks Kevin for having this in Sunday School) If Daniel hadn't passed away, everything would be exactly the same. I'm not saying before was bad, but now is...different, not lukewarm. (And all I can do is explain how I feel about the new normal. These are purely only my thoughts.) But now, we have so many people rallying together, working together. People who may have never met. I'm reexamining my relationship with a lot of people and making it better; and I didn't even know it needed better in the first place. And I'm becoming closer to a lot of great people. I'm more patient. I'm more sad but stronger because of it. I'm taking more time out for God and taking time out in general to just be in the moment and not constantly running around. (Ryan would still say otherwise; he hates watching TV with me because I do multitask, but I promise I do just sit more) I'm not as afraid to be more vocal about loving God. And that is just me personally. I can see changes in others too but it's not for me to comment on, but they're good changes.

Daniel leaving Earth is hard. So hard. But Daniel's legacy and his love is still here and working on so many. My will and want is obvious; I want him in my arms, but all of these changes in myself and others wouldn't necessarily be happening. It's a lot to think about and have sink in for sure. I mean, I have days when I just can't completely grasp all of it, but look what happens when I do give myself over, He shows He's here. It's wild.