Some days I think I have it together and can manage to conduct myself like a "normal" person and then a flashback of that evening hits, or I have a conversation with someone, or a particular song comes on the radio, or I catch a certain smell, or see a special T.V. show of Daniel's and I just go into a tailspin and I'm not good for much of anything for a while. The whole month of December I'm dreading. Christmas and what would have been his 4th birthday are not going to be good days and I've accepted that I'm going to head into those with a heavy heart. It's the unknowns that really throw me for a loop, though. Sometimes I think of what it would be like to have 1 day when I don't cry or remember the accident and then I think, if that was erased for a day, then my good memories of Daniel wouldn't exist for that day either and ultimately, I know I can get past the bad memories because I have so many more good memories.
Monday, October 24, 2011
A whole new level of grieving
I was talking to my Mother in law yesterday about the upcoming Chili cook off for Daniel's Park Pets and we ended up talking about Daniel and Ryan and her and me and all of us intertwined in this season of loss. Outside of God, my very best friend and my mom I haven't really spoken to a lot of people about what I truly feel. Yesterday opened my eyes to another's grief and hurt. I've been so consumed over losing my son that I'm just now really seeing the loss of a grandson, a nephew and a cousin. It's like new hurt is pouring in because I want to fix it all and make it better and it just isn't going to work like that. Each one of us is grieving differently and we're all on different levels and sometimes it's hard for me to remember that. This is all so new to me. For the first time in my life, I am experiencing loss on a really personal level. I guess I should be thankful for 25 years of growing up to be able to handle emotions of this magnitude? I don't know.