I'm having a really bad day. It feels like I cannot escape. Everything, absolutely everything, reminds me that he's not here, that I can't change it and life is moving on while I feel so still. I'm angry and sad that people are happy and I can't be, I'm angry that every book I pick up and try to read has some kind of death in it even when I absolutely don't think it could contain it, I hate that we still have to pick a marker out for his spot, that Christmas and his birthday are coming and I don't get him here with me, that I have to work tonight and I don't know if I'll be able to stand being there but I have to go because I have to work. I hate that I have to work so hard at being happy for others around me when all I really want to do is scream and hide. I hate that I pray so hard to see him in 1 dream just so I can hold him again and I don't know why God won't answer me. I hate that I am now a woman that has lost a child and can hardly focus on anything other than that. I hate sadness and feeling like this all the time.

I'm going for a walk.