I zoomed in on pictures tonight just so I could feel closer to you. I miss you so much. I wish there were more words to accurately convey just how much I miss you. How I wish I could see you with your brothers. Hold your hand. Kiss your cheek. Run my fingers through your hair.
It was never promised this would be easy. An ugly, hidden, dark truth? Sometimes it feels as if my life with you didn't happen. On my worst days it feels like that. It's shameful to even admit that. And those days are hard to come back from because deep down, I know that I shared an incredible time with you; it just gets harder to feel the farther I move away from those days. It doesn't help that I have another year of hard decisions to make.
I was once told the second year is harder; and in some ways, yeah. The veil has lifted and time marches on and I have to reconstruct another life. A new life that has no blueprints. At least in my old life, the foundation was laid; raise 3 kids, help them achieve their dreams, learn about God, and spend time with my husband building a marriage. But this? I don't know. Pieces of me are laid out but fitting them together takes a lot of time and energy. It's a day like today that leaves me so drained I have difficulty focusing on the task at hand. It's days like today I find myself begging God to leave me some clue about what this all means. It's days like today that I need to write to drain myself of this grief to open myself to His wisdom because I just cant hear anything.