Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Eating my own words

As Jake and I were walking into church this past Sunday, I pointed out Daniel's bench near the front entrance to Jake again.  Just so he would have continue to have a conscious idea that the bench wasn't just an ordinary lawn decoration but a bench to symbolize Daniel's legacy.  Jake stated then that "I lost Daniel, Mommy"  I don't know if he was simply repeating something that many have probably said near him over the year or if he conjured that up on his own. (This wasn't the first time he said a statement similar to this; he's said it once before in front of my mom)  I quickly reassured him that Daniel wasn't lost; we knew he was in Heaven waiting for us and we would see him again and we can always talk to him anytime we want even if he isn't here in front of us.  I left it at that and continued on inside because we were late for Sunday school (due to a very stubborn 3 year old who wouldn't try and put on his sandals).  But what I said was almost a robotic, standard reply to a lot of things Jake says in regards to not seeing Daniel and wondering where he is.  I've been thinking to myself this week if I can really eat those words and digest their meaning. Do I really get what I am saying to my kids? 
God has been working on my heart and mind and disposition for about 2 weeks now and it seems as if my wandering thoughts are coming to completion now.  I've been working through joy versus happiness and studying the Bible for it's meaning and I've been reflecting on my feelings now that the dust is settling on moving from a house that I built a family in for 5 years.  Nothing ever seems to be black and white in my life anymore and I've been disconnected these past 2 weeks just trying to sort it all out.  Again asking myself, "what does this all mean and why does it happen to me and what can I do to work with it?"  As soon as I organize my thoughts I plan on putting fingers to keys, but until then I''ll be helping Ryan make dinner because he is currently throwing thawed steak and cups at me in attempts to get me off the computer.
It's like I live with 4 children ;)


  1. For some reason I was thinking about Daniel today as I was driving. Maybe it was because I was on my way to church where I see his bench every time I enter. As my thoughts drifted, I was trying to imagine what it would be like to be in heaven with Jesus. I found myself almost being jealous of him - I know that sounds silly.....Anyway, just want you to know that a lot of us think of Daniel often and fondly. Great answer you gave Jake! I'm sure he is working through things at times, like you are. I have said it before and I will say it again: "I've never seen a family go through something like this with as much strength as you all have." (Praise be to our God!)

    1. Nope, I totally get it; I've said that same before.

  2. I just thought of why I was thinking about Daniel so much today. The band is learning a new song to teach the congregation. It's called "Forever Reign." Here are some of the lyrics to the chorus:

    "Oh, I'm running to Your arms, I'm running to Your arms; The riches of Your love, will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace; Light of the World, forever reign!"

    This made me think of Daniel running into Jesus' arms....and it made me smile! :)
    When you hear me sing it this Sunday - among other things, I'll be thinking of Daniel running to the loving arms of Jesus!