In the business of making memories

I had this awesome blog written and it's totally gone. Gone. Oh, well. Here's a little of what we've been up to recently. You know, just making memories :)

Playlists

At work today the radio stations weren't coming in with the greatest reception-outside of 102.5 and honestly, if I had to listen to that station again, I may have just cried; it's that annoying-so we opted to listen to the music on my iPhone. As I was dipping all my urine specimens (be jealous, people ;) and walking back and forth past the music, I mused to myself how intimate it was to share my personal playlist of music. To me, music can express everything you've ever not been able to express, every emotion you may have felt and can become a soundtrack to moments you have had.

As I listened to each song that played, I was able to reflect on what my music choices said about me:

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For starters, I am cheap :) I could totally have more music on there but I hate spending the money

I am a follower of God. I worship Him with song

I have Mercy Me 'I can only imagine' as a memorial song to Daniel. (Plus, I just really like it)

I like free stuff. I have a few singles of the week and I must say, they're good and, even better, free

I'm a pop girl. JT, Carly Rae and Taylor Swift occupy spots

I kinda love Adam Levine

I can appreciate bluesy and soulful songwriting.

Les Mis is one of my favorite musicals as I have a few of the show's tunes

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My mix is so very eclectic. I like to think it can hit a part of all the bits of my personality which can show just how easily I can relate to many types of people which in turn, helps so much in my profession. Really, listening to my music was almost reminiscent of an out of body experience of myself. If that even makes sense. I never thought to listen to music of my choosing to reevaluate me. Intwined with each word, each tune strummed, was a story of me; my heart aches, my joys, my desires, my fantasies. Music is such an art. Such a beautiful masterpiece of notes and words and melody. It takes you on such a ride of emotion. 

I am simply in awe tonight. 

Daniel.

I'm a fairly practical person. Yes, my emotions can run most of my life (I like to think that is what makes me uniquely me) but I am can see the practicality is most things. For instance, the matter of the weather becoming warmer and the need for the boys to change from winter to summer wear. I was aware long ago that eventually Jake would reach a time when 4t summer clothes would have to make an appearance. And it's ok. Yes, the articles of clothing removed from storage were the same shirts and shorts Daniel was wearing months before he died, but Jake needs summer wear and we have it. However, I think it's fair to myself to overrule wearing one shirt in particular. That's my prerogative. 

I was about 7 months pregnant with Andrew when Ryan selflessly stayed awake after working all night so that we may have a family day on Sunday. I remember feeling slightly ashamed that I was skipping out on church but knew that our days as a family of 4 were getting more slim with each passing day, and a rare chance to enjoy such beautiful weather with all of us couldn't be ignored. We walked all around old St Charles, walked to the river and back and enjoyed climbing on rocks. We also got a nice ride on a golf cart back to our car at the end of our day (I like to think it was my huge belly that won us that ride) It was also that day that Ryan took one of my favorite pictures of Daniel and the very picture we used at his funeral. Logic cant be argued when the very shirt in the picture I stared at for days upon days upon days is in my hands once more. I love all of my men, but that is one shirt that cannot cover another's back. I think it would hurt my heart too much. As of now, it's hard to comprehend how that shirt contoured around his little body. 

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And since I'm on the subject of Daniel, I want to share a moment I had. It was one of the days I was driving to the new house shortly after we moved. I was alone in the car and alone with my thoughts when I got this overpowering scent of roses. For a long time I wore a necklace made of dried roses from Daniel's funeral and whenever I smelled the fragrance wafting up from my necklace line, I thought of him. I stopped wearing it a few months ago when I had a scare that it fell off and I lost it. It was found quickly, thank you, God. I smelled my air freshener, I looked into the compartment where my necklace does lay still but neither were emitting the aroma. I can with 100% certainly {faith} that that smell was for me as a reminder that Daniel is near me always. I had been having the biggest fear our new home would still feel empty, but my roses were a sign, a showing from God, that as long as my memory and my heart are filled with love for Daniel, my home will never be without him. In the days since I sometimes sniff my car strongly to see if the smell will present itself again, but it doesn't happen. What I got to experience was such a special gift from a Father that can hear my cry no matter how quietly I may present it. 

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And before I almost started crying tonight, my Jake, in ways only a child can, lifted my spirits by exclaiming over the clothes that Daniel sometimes makes funny faces at him.  And our verse tonight was on Jesus being alive. He is alive. And my Daniel is alive in Heaven, in our memory, in our stories, our pictures, our hearts, our home. 

There will be more time for a longer post in the coming days, but for tonight I just want to document the absolute peace I felt sitting with Andrew in my lap, Jake and Ryan next to me and Daniel's picture placed squarely on our wall, together in our new home as a family.

It's been a long road traveled but in that moment, everything came together as it was meant to be.

I deactivated my Facebook account. It's been a long time coming, but I finally stopped making excuses for why I "needed" the account and removed it completely. I cannot say I miss it one iota. The past few days Jake has taken to calling us Mom and Dad occasionally. It sounds so foreign to my ears and so grown up coming out of his little voice. How is it that he's going to be 4 soon? He's introduced his "guy" recently. He only comes out in the morning and Jake helps him get dressed. Today, his guy was going to stay in bed today because he was sick. He had a rough week last week at daycare and this week he's been an all-star. He even asked his teacher to write a note that he's "been listening". He practically burst at the seams to show us his good boy note. It's currently hanging on the fridge. I've taken to earnestly praying before even leaving the parking lot of daycare that kindness and gentleness grow in his heart-and patience to the teacher. Prayer helps. Andrew is quickly losing his little boy looks and settling into the toddler stage.  The height on that child shocks me-and I'm used to tall children. The joy that boy brings me is too special for words. He says his own prayers now, too. My most favorite times with him are after bath and before bed. We get the chance to hug and unwind. And I get a nice pat on the back. Daniel has been on my mind so much. I know it's a lot to do with moving. I came across pictures I hadn't seen recently. That ache will never go away. I read some sad news on a blog I've read for over 5 years. My heart aches for her family. The words I want to speak to her simply cant form on my tongue so I've been praying and lifting them all up to our God. There are going to be so many joyful events happening soon and it makes me so happy to feel the fog that had enveloped me so much last year is lifting so that I can truly enjoy some special moments. I think I am always so ridiculously bad at closing a post, and this one is going to be no exception. It is what it is, I guess. My eyes are starting to burn from tears and mascara. It happens when thinking of Daniel. The tears, not the burning (but it does accompany the tears when I do actually get the chance to put make up on, like today) That probably won't ever go away, either. As promised, since I deactivated my Facebook, here are some recent pictures of the men. The second one is my new fav :)

I had to lay down with Andrew this afternoon so that he could settle himself down to nap. Not unlike another brother of his that needed the same. Laying with Andrew and watching his eyelashes flutter to his cheeks and watching his mouth sigh with the release he was finally giving in to, my mind wandered to another time when I would lay with Daniel and help him fall asleep. I remember even taking a flashlight in once to read a book while he settled down. I can still feel the slipperiness of his water proof mattress under his Toy Story sheets and smell the scent of a little boy

We're moving soon. Very soon. To another home, in another county entirely. Most often when I think of moving, I'm excited at the prospect of building, planning, shaping a new future with my men. I am gearing up for more change. This time it is more about healing then the feeling of being torn apart from the inside. Our little family has made it almost 2 years in the limbo of working past the old to rebuild the new. God has led us through the valley, He has prepared a home for us and throughout, the chance to mourn, learn, practice patience and appreciate family.
Please pray for a smooth transition as our family, once again, reinvents a newer normal. I can't wait to share what God has prepared for us.

Photos from the phone

I've been absent from here recently. Life has been churning along and new developments rising. Babies have been growing. At some point ill pull it from my mind to here, but until, here are some photos from my phone