Shocked into silence

After the boy's well visits today-both are doing awesome and are both in the 75% for height/weight.  We don't grow em' little here-I took them by Daniel's spot.  His marker is supposed to be placed any day now and I've been anxious to see it completed.  I know they'll call me when it's done because they are so sweet like that, but I can't help to go and see for myself.  On the off chance I catch it before they call me.  As I was pulling up, another car was as well.  We both met on the grass and head nodded to one another.   I guess that's cemetery etiquette.  I don't really know; still kind of new to it all.  It was slightly awkward to see others there because it's generally a quiet place.  I know his "neighbors" have loved ones visit because there spots are kept up nicely, it's just weird to see them in person.  After the obligatory "Daniel's police car" through the dirt drive per Jake, we started heading back.  I wasn't really there to spend time reflecting so it was a quick visit.  On the way to the car, the other visitor was leaving too and happened to ask if we were visiting a father or a grandfather.  Nope.  I said, "No, my son." 

Silence.

For, like, 30 seconds.  His mouth dropped and he stopped dead (no pun intended. Actually, that's kind of a lame joke. Moving on.) in his tracks to stare at me.  By then my eyes were misting over with tears and all I could think was, "Yeah, I know.  It's not supposed to be like this.  But it is."  He recovered and said he was so sorry and I think I mumbled thank you but by that time I really just wanted to get Jake in the car and drive away.  

Yeah.

Thankfully, I got wonderful news on the way home.  Our contract for the house was officially approved and we can get outta here!  Praising God for hearing my prayers and giving me patience to wait...and wait...and wait for the approval.  I know this is the absolute best move for us because this time I listened with my heart and not my head, and I am so praying our hearts can be healed more without the constant reminder of our steps through the house that day.  Loving the huge weight being lifted off my chest tonight.

 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

Ephesians 3:20

(My verse I've leaned on a ton this past week.  See?  God does provide even in the hardest of circumstances)

I keep holding my breath expecting a breakdown at any moment.  It is in 10 more days, after all.  Inside of me, it's still ok.  I'm almost nervous I am still ok.  The tears still spring up, the hurt still stings my heart but I am still standing, still moving, still smiling, still living.  I'm praying this is peace and not avoidance.  I know what avoidance can do to me.  Wreck havoc on my soul.  The month of May still makes me sick.  Trying to focus on Daniel and not how Daniel left.  Holding my breath and waiting for his marker to be placed and hoping it doesn't break me to see it.  Trying to stand tall and make it.

Photos from the phone Friday

Have a great weekend!  I am pretty much at work most of it, but I'm only 4 shifts away from 2 weeks off :)

I'm ok.

I took a picture of myself with Andrew the other day during our {very} brief rainstorm.  Right off the bat, I sensed something different about the photo.  (Aside from the fact that I'm actually in one)  A few months back, I posted about this.  While sitting in bed, I couldn't stop staring at this picture:

and at this one :

and noticing the glaring difference-me.
I look so peaceful now.  And I feel ok writing that.  
I have had a hellish year.  The very worst a Mother could ever have.  I have changed more this year than in my previous 26.  And I've learned so much more, too.  This year was about survival and letting go.  I have had some truly dark moments but each time I come out better, stronger in myself, more faith-filled.  
As July 19th so quickly approaches, I am taking more time to reflect on what this past year has done for me.  I've cried-a lot.  I've missed and hurt deeply.  I've hit parked cars.  (True story)  I've gotten angry over little things.  I've hated a house. (Still do)  But, I've also made new friends. I've watched my family grow closer. I've allowed myself to be broken and built back up. I've humbled myself before my God and my church and received pure love. I've recommitted myself to my marriage and my children. I've let go of control that isn't necessary. I've opened my heart to different choices. I've allowed myself to be a vessel to God (something I surely would not have done one year ago). I've accepted good intentions from others.  I've taken better care of my patients.  I've made a point to include God in my daily life-and not just when I'm troubled.  I've felt release writing this blog.  I've accepted I am forever a changed person.  And I am finally beginning to understand the scripture Kevin showed that night.


 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.


I am a living, walking, breathing testimony to God's love and I am not afraid to share that anymore.  Yup.  And even after my horrible tragedy, I can say that.  Because, really, it's not so tragic when you've had a year to reflect on what Daniel's life-and eternal life-have given me.  My heart does ache for him, but my life has been renewed.  For me, Daniel has given me hope, a new chance, a promise I will hold him in my arms again.  And 3 beautiful years as his Mommy.

Would it hurt to bang my head on the wall a few times?

Jake is going through something.  Is it the threes, no naps, waking before 7, sibling rivalry?  I don't know; but what I do know is that it is wearing me out.  I had a horrible, horrible, horrible day yesterday.  Tempers were lost, by both of us, Jake cried, I cried, Andrew cried to be picked up constantly and I promised myself I would do better today.  

Repeat.

I do have more patience today because I keep reminding myself, "this is just a phase, this is just a phase" but when Jake is pushing other kids off the seats in the library, throwing a book onto the floor in anger, running away from me when I'm trying to grab him to leave because we do not get privileges when we misbehave, it makes me want to scream.  And cry.  And curse Ryan's 3-11 shifts.  

This side of parenting isn't glorious.  It's a down right war zone.  

Is it bedtime yet?

You know what's hard?  Showing your youngest pictures of his oldest brother and praying your words can even remotely describe how awesome/troublesome/smart/kind/silly/exasperating/sweet he was.  

Because my words are the only memories Andrew will have.

Words, please don't ever fail me.

Photos from the phone Friday