I hesitated even writing this post because I had so many conflicting emotions. After much thought and prayer, I remembered the real reason why I started writing this blog in the beginning; I wanted to share and possibly help someone thru this multifaceted and consuming process of moving on and missing a child. So, here I am typing this out.
My nephew, and newest little member of our family, was born last Saturday. Oh man, I don't think I can even describe the joy and excitement I had all night waiting for his arrival. Ryan made fun of me for being so attached to my phone for updates. This little boy, who I have not met yet, has stolen a little piece of my heart.
So why, thru my happiness, did I feel an overwhelming sadness? Who knows. It could have been that I wasn't able to hold Mason. It could have been the many similar characteristics that related my sister in laws first birth to mine. It could have been myself remembering Daniel's birth. And then remembering Daniel. And them lamenting on, yet again, my cross to bear. And then berating myself for even turning this happy event around to myself and my loss; even if it was inwardly spoken and never expressed out loud. It was almost too much emotion for me to wear. In the dropping waters of the shower, I cried that it just wasn't fair. Yet again, here was another situation to overcome.
Sunday came and with a new day, a new attempt to lighten my heart. It's oftentimes so interesting how a night of sleep can ease a hurt. It's even more astounding and comforting to have a friend come up and at the right moment, share a scripture and a story.
As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. 2 “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?”
3 “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered.“This happened so the power of God could be seen in him. 4 We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us.[a] The night is coming, and then no one can work. 5 But while I am here in the world, I am the light of the world.”
And I am reminded, yet again, oh my human little heart, of the power this situation has. Of the gift Daniel was and is and will always be. Of the power of God and his mercy and love. Of the story I must share, even when I don't think I have the words or capability. Of the decision to share my cross with God and give up my burdened heart so it can become lighter. So I can give hope to others that grief may get you down, but it is your choice to stay there or get up. So I can grow in that wisdom, as well.
I am better. I am overjoyed over Mason Daniel. I am missing Daniel. I am restored again.
I am because He is.