Friday, April 6, 2012

My cup runneth over

A great and endearing woman told me tonight in the midst of my breakdown, at work no less, that sometimes with grief, you can carry on for so long until you just can't anymore and it all spills out.  That resonated so much with me.  I feel like this past week I've been on such a slippery slope.  I'm trying to grasp on to something normal, but really, what's normal in my life anymore?  Not me.
I don't know if it's the Easter holiday that is shaking me, all the stress of the house or the fact that I stopped to think the other day that Daniel will forever be 3 in my mind and I don't know what a 4 year old Daniel would look like or act like.  Maybe it's all of it.  How is it possible that I felt like I had it more together in the weeks after Daniel died then I do now?  Is it because time stood still-for me- at that moment and all I allowed into my heart and time was God's grace, His presence and the bonding of my family?  And now, I cannot have time stop like that because life does move on, things come up, responsibilities have to be conquered.  
A beautiful friend mentioned gently to me that maybe I'm hardest on myself.  I've been angry at my circumstances this week and I've been trying hard to be "normal" and I haven't acknowledged what I'm feeling deep in my heart.  I don't have to be strong all the time.  I don't have to try to find the good in everything because by not accepting what I am feeling and not working through what I'm experiencing, I'm glossing over validated emotions.  I have to ask why so I can search for His comfort.  And sometimes I have to be raw and open and honest with myself before I can concede that I cannot do this on my own.  I realized I can lie to myself a lot.  I can trick myself into thinking I can move on, act fine.  Tonight has shown me what a farce I am to myself.  There is absolutely no part in any of this process that I can conquer on my own.  I need support and I have to be willing to accept it, ask for it and embrace it.
A support group is fastly becoming more of a reality for me.  Before, I couldn't handle hearing others; their stories, their heartache, because where in my grieving heart would I put it? But now, I need to know how I can do this.  How people have done this.  I'm tired of hitting rock bottom and having to climb back out.  I'm beaten down...but I am not abandoned.  And I can feel that tonight.

...Let light shine out of darkness...
I are hard pressed on every side, but [I am] not crushed; [I am] perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but [I am] not abandoned; [I am] struck down, but [I am] not destroyed

I am still here somewhere under all of this mess, and I will come out victorious.

Here on earth I will have many trials and sorrows. But I take heart, because He has overcome the world.


  1. Amanda,
    I want you to know how much we care for you and want to help in any way we can. If you need a shoulder to cry on or somebody to scream at - I am here for you. After my sister died, I went to a support group and it helped. I sent a book to you this week. If it's too hard to read right now, just put it away for later. Hopefully it will someday help the boys. I also have a couple of other books that might help. Let me know if you would like to read them. As we celebrate Easter, I will pray that the power of His resurrection will help ease some of your pain as you realize that you will see Daniel again some day!
    Love, Prayers, Hugs and Blessings,

  2. It does ease some of this. I've been reflecting on what Easter really means a lot this week. It's emotional for sure.

  3. One of the hardest things about grief for me is never knowing when the cup will run over -and it still does sometimes for my dad. I think of those things so often - I don't know what he would have looked like past 39, how he would have parented me when I was a teenager, what he would have thought of my fiancee... those thoughts don't go away, but now they are more almost wistful than painful. As with any adjustment to the 'new normal', it will come in stages and change and reinvent itself several times. I think some of the best support I ever had was from support groups - the best thing for me was seeing someone who had come out on the other side of grief- talk about hope. It also reduced the loneliness of it all.

    I do hope you aren't too hard on yourself, because all you can be is who you are right now... and you'll get where you want to be. This is a long journey, but you've got a lot of people pulling for you, that's for sure. *Hugs*

    1. And that's what I'm hoping for. All of this does seem so lonely at times. And often times I feel as if I need to reserve myself when what I really want to do is scream. People get uncomfortable and just don't get it. Thank you for being one of those people.


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    A wonderful post!

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