My cup runneth over
A great and endearing woman told me tonight in the midst of my breakdown, at work no less, that sometimes with grief, you can carry on for so long until you just can't anymore and it all spills out. That resonated so much with me. I feel like this past week I've been on such a slippery slope. I'm trying to grasp on to something normal, but really, what's normal in my life anymore? Not me.
I don't know if it's the Easter holiday that is shaking me, all the stress of the house or the fact that I stopped to think the other day that Daniel will forever be 3 in my mind and I don't know what a 4 year old Daniel would look like or act like. Maybe it's all of it. How is it possible that I felt like I had it more together in the weeks after Daniel died then I do now? Is it because time stood still-for me- at that moment and all I allowed into my heart and time was God's grace, His presence and the bonding of my family? And now, I cannot have time stop like that because life does move on, things come up, responsibilities have to be conquered.
A beautiful friend mentioned gently to me that maybe I'm hardest on myself. I've been angry at my circumstances this week and I've been trying hard to be "normal" and I haven't acknowledged what I'm feeling deep in my heart. I don't have to be strong all the time. I don't have to try to find the good in everything because by not accepting what I am feeling and not working through what I'm experiencing, I'm glossing over validated emotions. I have to ask why so I can search for His comfort. And sometimes I have to be raw and open and honest with myself before I can concede that I cannot do this on my own. I realized I can lie to myself a lot. I can trick myself into thinking I can move on, act fine. Tonight has shown me what a farce I am to myself. There is absolutely no part in any of this process that I can conquer on my own. I need support and I have to be willing to accept it, ask for it and embrace it.
A support group is fastly becoming more of a reality for me. Before, I couldn't handle hearing others; their stories, their heartache, because where in my grieving heart would I put it? But now, I need to know how I can do this. How people have done this. I'm tired of hitting rock bottom and having to climb back out. I'm beaten down...but I am not abandoned. And I can feel that tonight.
...Let light shine out of darkness...
I are hard pressed on every side, but [I am] not crushed; [I am] perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but [I am] not abandoned; [I am] struck down, but [I am] not destroyed
I am still here somewhere under all of this mess, and I will come out victorious.
Here on earth I will have many trials and sorrows. But I take heart, because He has overcome the world.