The weather these past few days have been unpredictable; stormy at times and sun rays poking throughout the heavy clouds the next. As I sit here reflecting on Sunday school and Pastor Mark's sermon and listening to the wind blow through tree branches and leaves, my heart feels restless..and serene at the same moment; much like this crazy weather that has touched down. My heart is beating fast for the changes taking place spiritually in me but I am calmed listening to the music of the wind.
When I woke this morning I was not aware of the words and decisions God would purpose on my heart; but my, oh my, did I get a glimpse of the uglier side of me today. The sinful, can't let go of full reign in my life, side of me. The controlling, best way is my way sin of me. I saw where I have been and where I still need to go with my relationship with God today. I saw that I have some aspects of my life that God can completely take over and there are some where I still think I know what's best for me. It was a hit you in the gut, dirty awakening kind of Sunday School today. Even as we were discussing what it means to relinquish ourselves over to Him, what it means to stop living a passive life and gain LIFE with Him, I literally had tears in my eyes because I couldn't just give it over; I was fighting so hard it was literally pouring out of me. I may have changed in a million and one ways over the course of this past year, but I am still in bondage, wrapped around myself, holding tight to my way.
I am a controller. I was awakened to myself and I was not liking what I was seeing. I realized so much of my discontent stems from my need to micromanage every aspect of my life, and subsequently, others-and other situations- around me. It is time for me to trust Him in all aspects, not just the ones I think He can control. Lord knows (oh man, does He know) how tangled, angry, disheartened, and crazed I can get when situations and people don't work out on my time. It is time for it to stop. It is time to change from the very core of me out. For real.
I prayed a prayer that God would take my control away, release me from myself, help me give over what I rightly don't have control over and what He rightly does. Help me listen and absorb His words to work on what I can and realize when to step back and let Him move forward. Help me accept whatever the outcome and to always remember that He is working on the greater good of me, even when I cannot see it. And I thanked Him for all the special people in my Sunday School that can rally around one another even when we look ugly.