Lighter heart

Daniel has been on my mind so much lately. The second round of holidays are coming up and his 5th birthday. (Don't even get me started on how it's even possible that my oldest would have been 5. Actually, I'll probably start it on a separate post) Mentioning him right now almost always causes my throat to constrict a little because I just cannot believe it's been almost 16 months since I have seen him.

But this post isn't supposed to be about how much I miss him. I am really writing to remind myself about how different it is this second go around. I started to really notice it on Halloween. Probably because this is the first of the holidays that are rounding out the end of the year.  I can think back to how disheartened I felt about celebrating without him and remember how much strength it took to work up a better attitude for the boy's sake and how much it just plain sucked. And this year, starting with Halloween, I felt more joy and happiness then previously. I was more present physically to enjoy Jake's readiness to play pretend and run from house to house and really watch and revel in Andrew's growth over the year. He absolutely makes my insides melt with pure love. That sweet little face of his. Those little men have endured more then they can really understand right now and to see them celebrate life and have fun and laugh with such abandon really touched the inner most parts of my heart.

And as November starts the days of thankfulness, I am reminded that time does not heal my wounds, but time surely does make them sting less and I am so thankful for the grace that God has bestowed on me. I may never have wanted to experience these hard parts of my life, but His love and strength gives me the ability to press on and appreciate so much more the better parts of my life. And now that we are starting to get over all the sickness I can manage my time off so much better and really start to enjoy the times I do have with my family. And really focus on what matters most because I have learned and been reminded repeatedly how swiftly these moments disappear.

"While your servant was busy here and there, the man disappeared."

I Kings 20:40

And really reflect on how true this verse really is.  Because I can chose to flutter all around and focus on all the things that need to be accomplished, or I can take the time and revel in the things that are fleeting. Like watching Jake write the letter "h" and "t" for the first time and see his absolute joy over his accomplishment.  These are the moments that will sustain me.


 

 

 

 

 

 

Another chapter

Geez. I knew I was behind in writing, but I wasn't aware just how long it has been. I guess because I've composed so many posts in my head but just never had the chance to sit and really articulate what's been going on lately. And there have been so many things going on lately.

A friend of mine posted recently that I've entered another chapter in my life (this was in response to starting a new job) and I "wittingly" replied back that I am beginning to have quite the novel. Haha. But, seriously, my book is getting quite long, quite fast.  

I did just start a new job 2 weeks ago. It wasn't something I was actively pursuing but the position presented itself and I found myself applying.  Let me preface this by saying that I am not one for change; hate it and usually talk myself out of it. And I tried often to talk myself out of it but, thankfully, I have great people that I've surrounded myself around and a God that does not give up easily and this new job is a great new start. Even though it's hard on the ego. It's difficult going from a place where I could pretty much anticipate what the resident or doctor needed, anticipate how a delivery was going to evolve and have people trust my judgement because of my work ethic and experience, and now be at a place where I have to learn a whole other side of women's health. It's hard, bruises the ego, but gotta crawl before I walk, right? In the end, this is where I know I should be and I am going to work hard to set a new spot in the office. As long as we can all get healthy over here, first. Pretty soon, we're going to have the best immune systems ever.
I planned on making this a tad bit longer, best laid plans, huh?, but I'm still trying to gain back some of the energy I've lost taking care of family and myself.  Hopefully, I can get back to writing soon because  I miss it.

Photos from the phone Friday

Photos from the phone Friday

Rock-a-night night

I got the privilege to rock Andrew to sleep tonight in my arms. He was fussy and as soon as I picked him up, he leaned his forehead into my lips for a kiss and then rested his head on my shoulder.

And my heart melted.

The lack of privacy, lack of space and quiet time this boy has allowed me the past 2 days just didn't seem so important anymore. What became important was that I have been given the gift of being this baby's Momma-and that means being there for him no matter how tired I am, no matter my needs, no matter the chores that need to get done. It's exhausting most days; Andrew is needy, clingy and loud; but he needs me to give him all of me no matter what.
And some days I will do so stubbornly because I have to reach into the bottom most pits of my being and grasp what little patience and energy I have left.  This boy challenges me more so than the other 2.  His strength, his never ending energy, his voice that reverberates off ever surface.  His need, his "no fear" attitude, his desire to seek out and learn-even at 15 months.  It's overwhelming and fascinating.   

It's no secret Andrew's little life has had a huge impact on our family.  It's not coincidence that when Ryan and I realized we had no middle name for Andrew in our post partum room and decided on Thomas that it would be perfectly matched for him.  Thomas means "twin" and he is such a little copy of Daniel.  To me, it's like Daniel left a little kiss of himself on his brother. It's comforting to know Andrew shares such special characteristics with Daniel.  I pray later Andrew will cherish that he shares Daniel's coloring, his zeal for life, his curiosities.  My bond with Andrew is so unique.  My last child; the baby of the family.  One of my reasons for moving on in my sorrow those first few months.  Sometimes I think Andrew knows we have a special relationship and seeks out my attention to remind me of that.

For as aggressive as he is, Andrew is by far, the most lovable.  His smile can light up a room.  His laugh is infectious.  His love for music reminds me to let go a little too. 

So, in my worst moments of praying for a little quiet;  I can look back and look forward and know it may seem as if I'll never be able to go to the bathroom on my own again; Andrew is growing and learning about love and commitment to one another and my "job" as his Mother is truly priceless.  And there, in those moments, I find my energy to give just a little more of myself-for my Andrew.

Photos from the phone Friday

Grief is not a nice friend

Grief is a fickle friend.  It quietly arrives leaving you wondering how you'll make it another moment and, quietly still, it moves away-but always with the notion it will make a return-unannounced and uninvited. 

 I despise this friend.

In 14, sigh, 14 months, I have said hello and good-bye to grief.  I've learned some of it's calling cards and try to brace myself for the inevitable sadness that will pursue.  Mostly,  I manage.  In fact, up until today I've navigated through some tough days fairly well.  It's the sneaky attacks that make it so much harder.  A small comment from Jake during our visit to Daniel's spot; friends dealing with death; changes in the season and missed moments with Daniel; the 19th approaching; it all quietly adds up until I find myself trying to drive through tear dampened eyes.  I want to push back and insist grief cannot make a home in my heart, but welcome some on the intrusion because without sadness, I cannot welcome back happiness and find joy in what precious gifts I still have been given.

Today is another day in a long line of days that will inevitably pop up.  And I will deal with them.  Some days I will make it just fine.  Some days, like today, I will cry and feel the ache in my arms and in my heart.  I will hold close to me those that are most precious in my life and I will not worry about the outside world.  I will be kind to myself tonight because I know the tears are not done falling.  I will miss him even more tonight and grieve over lost memories but I will prevail in knowing I have forever and ever and ever with him eventually.