Thursday, October 4, 2012

Rock-a-night night

I got the privilege to rock Andrew to sleep tonight in my arms. He was fussy and as soon as I picked him up, he leaned his forehead into my lips for a kiss and then rested his head on my shoulder.
And my heart melted.
The lack of privacy, lack of space and quiet time this boy has allowed me the past 2 days just didn't seem so important anymore. What became important was that I have been given the gift of being this baby's Momma-and that means being there for him no matter how tired I am, no matter my needs, no matter the chores that need to get done. It's exhausting most days; Andrew is needy, clingy and loud; but he needs me to give him all of me no matter what.
And some days I will do so stubbornly because I have to reach into the bottom most pits of my being and grasp what little patience and energy I have left.  This boy challenges me more so than the other 2.  His strength, his never ending energy, his voice that reverberates off ever surface.  His need, his "no fear" attitude, his desire to seek out and learn-even at 15 months.  It's overwhelming and fascinating.   
It's no secret Andrew's little life has had a huge impact on our family.  It's not coincidence that when Ryan and I realized we had no middle name for Andrew in our post partum room and decided on Thomas that it would be perfectly matched for him.  Thomas means "twin" and he is such a little copy of Daniel.  To me, it's like Daniel left a little kiss of himself on his brother. It's comforting to know Andrew shares such special characteristics with Daniel.  I pray later Andrew will cherish that he shares Daniel's coloring, his zeal for life, his curiosities.  My bond with Andrew is so unique.  My last child; the baby of the family.  One of my reasons for moving on in my sorrow those first few months.  Sometimes I think Andrew knows we have a special relationship and seeks out my attention to remind me of that.
For as aggressive as he is, Andrew is by far, the most lovable.  His smile can light up a room.  His laugh is infectious.  His love for music reminds me to let go a little too. 
So, in my worst moments of praying for a little quiet;  I can look back and look forward and know it may seem as if I'll never be able to go to the bathroom on my own again; Andrew is growing and learning about love and commitment to one another and my "job" as his Mother is truly priceless.  And there, in those moments, I find my energy to give just a little more of myself-for my Andrew.

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