A date only a Mother would know

February 19 marks the moment your feet have been placed longer in Heaven then here in my arms. 3 years and 7 months you have been gone. 3 years and 7 months I have learned to live without your constant questioning, silly-and often- tiring antics, your superior communication, your thick and unruly locks, your crooked toe and freckled shoulder, your chubby fingers and the way you could size up a situation. In 3 years and 7 months I have learned more about grace, true love, heart ache, faith, fear and revival then in any of my other years. A hole in my heart was carved so deep July 19, it felt like it could never be filled. In 3 years and 7 months, that hole not only grew smaller but the walls encompassing it grew sturdier. God's grace surpassed anything I could ever hope to posess and as I approach 3 years and 7 months, I am reminded of my journey and the fight for clarity and acceptance and release experienced throughout. Really, My words have never truly been mine. I serve as a canvas for God to shine through in the fear, bitterness and sadness. There hasn't ever been a moment where in my deepest point of grief, I couldn't reach out and feel His embrace. If there can ever be a truer moment for your life, it is in the fact you helped me live to gain the best life. In the moments that were the hardest, God was using them to bring the most precious moments glory.

“Trust the past to God's mercy, the present to God's love and the future to God's providence.” --Augustine

In 3 years and 7 months your brothers and sister are growing into their own little person but you are delicately woven in.
Jake possesses moments he shared with you. He has your ability to be a handful and be quiet in one day. Jake cares for Emma the way you stepped up as a big brother for Andrew. 

Andrew has your mischievousness. He gets to claim your hair and profile and crooked toe. 

Emma has your heart. In her eyes I see into Heaven and see you. She is my truest healing and my world is made ok by her. She is my Psalm 23:17. 

Really, your passing made the Earth stop just long enough for us to get a grip on what's important. People were saved, relationships were made better and family became more then just a name but a life line. You changed all of us, Daniel. Without you, not a one of us would be better. God's purpose for you is so much bigger then I could have ever hoped for. Truly,I am not defined as a Mother who lost a son; I am a Mother who got to hold a piece of God's promise close. I got to feel the very little hands that are helping change a nation. My only hope continues to be that I can honor the gift I was given and never forget how important it is. How important your life is and your-our-story. This is the year for it, sweetheart. This is the story God has been orchestrating and writing and it's time for it to shine. For 3 years and 7 months, I have been growing and healing and learning and relearning and reaching clarity that is only found in someone who has hit bottom and I am embracing the journey and the sorrow to bring about the joy.
I will always remember the little boy you were. Until I can hold your hands, you hold a piece of my heart.
Until then, sweet boy.