Thursday, December 6, 2012

I am only a witness

It started last week. Well, it probably started long before I can even comprehend, but I started to feel tugs at my conscious last week.  I read John 1 1:5 and there was something about those verses that stayed with me. Sunday in church ignited me. This evening humbled me. 
I am but a witness to His love.
I wouldn't have ever chosen this outlet to show His grace, but God knew where my heart lay and that was in my children. He gave me Daniel to teach me far more then just being a Mother; he gave me Daniel to stretch myself and my man made boundaries, to challenge my heart and my spirit, and to find the courage to speak out about Him and death and love and loss.
I was so nervous starting a collection in honor of Daniel for CHS. Stepping out and taking charge isn't something I do. I'm a behind the scenes kind of girl. I felt so vulnerable even suggesting my idea because I was nervous I wouldn't get a response. And scared.  I almost backed out exclaiming to God, "this isn't me, can't I remember Daniel from the safety of my home?" But my journey is so much bigger then me and me lowly personal struggles, so much bigger then Daniel's birthday alone. This collection, this blog, this life, this story is but a witness to the miracle.
Yeah. Miracle.
The miracle of His love, His grace, His light, His promise. The very notion that He is in every bit of our lives.  I see that plainly with the huge response to my call for donations to CHS. Your help, my step up to His call, Daniel's life has all been orchestrated by something far bigger then things needed. He is linking and connecting each of us to one another is such a way that is beautiful and merciful and giving. 
I am but a witness to the joy He can bring out of a struggle. 
And  I write this all tonight because of a knock on the door at 8:30. I bore my heart to start a collection in honor of Daniel, left my cloak of contentment behind, made myself vulnerable to critique and put myself out there. And a woman and her children show up with cookies and a note that they were thinking of us and Daniel this season. I stepped out afraid and feeling naked by bearing my heart's desire for my son, and these people, whom I don't even know, give me so much back. I don't think they even know what they just did for me. I, my family, was placed on their hearts. By celebrating Daniel's life and thinking his legacy could help others in need, God linked me up to bear some of that help. I received more then cookies tonight, I received the strength to continue my journey and bear witness that no matter where I am in the journey, from crying in a heap on my bed to stepping out and bearing my soul, He will always stand by me and support me. Tonight, it came in the form of Knowing You Ministries.

I hope this even makes sense. I went a little maniac typing because this feeling is so powerful. I miss that boy so much. But in all of this, I know my reunion with him is going to be so much sweeter because my heart will be so much stronger.

And completely humbled that my post about collecting for CHS has the all time highest views on my blog. 

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful post and what a beautiful ministry has been born through you and others....praising God!