Monday, June 18, 2012

I have written and rewritten a post many times this past week.  There has been so much happening in my life that is almost seems overwhelming to try and write.  I have had a breakdown, a rebellion, a revelation, a fifth anniversary, a first birthday, a mini vacation, and a peaceful walk with one of my best friends.  My brain feels a little on overload right now.  

Firstly, I have had a battle of the heart.  It seems as if many people feel like I should have some anger over what happened to Daniel.  That it would be completely legitimate to feel that way.  I'm aware that many people probably would feel that way.  I don't know if I ever have.  I've felt sad. Incredibly sad.  Confused.  Hurt.  But I've never been angry.  That left me wondering if I should be angry.  Shouldn't I be angry at a God that allowed this to happen?  This thought prefaced my whole beginning of the week.  I pushed myself away from people, from God's word and comfort.  I had a massive cry in the work bathroom because I was so confused with how I felt.  Was I wrong to not be angry?  I kept pushing silent comforts away while tears ran down my face because I wanted to be in a place of anger. I wanted to try and be angry; to place blame.  I wanted to punch something; get some kind of other emotion out of me.  
I just can't be angry at God.  
If I turned on the one constant love in my life, where would that leave me?  Probably curled in a ball on the floor.  Or so angry that I am reckless to myself and my family.  I can't be angry at a God that promises me my son is safe and waiting patiently for me.  I can't be angry at a God that lifts me up with His word.  
My Pastor had a quote from Max Lucado that resonated with me and perfectly explained my general unease earlier this week.

Dehydrated hearts send desperate messages: flaring tempers, waves of worry, anxiety and general unrest.

I took away my shield and covering this week when I pushed myself away from God and tried to be angry and it hurt me more than fixed me.  I lost my protection and it felt like I was crashing down and falling with no safety net. I turned away from the One that gives me comfort and understanding in this mess of a mind right now and I worried and was uneasy about everything.  I started to untrust, tear down my foundation and shake in my own skin.  I felt as if I was almost gone until I came across a passage in a book I was reading Tuesday.   

Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers.
John 15:5-6

I took myself out of Christ and almost lost myself completely.  Never again am I going to think I have to feel something because someone else expects me to feel that way.  People grieve differently.  It took a kids book about losing someone you love to pound that home as well.  The only thing that is going to matter is that I keep my sounding board to release on and get back trust that I will be ok.  Each tumble just brings me back stronger.  I may just be the Hulk when this is all said and done.

I am so thankful that I came to me senses by the end of the week because I would have missed out on celebrating a very special kiddo's first birthday.  A special post dedicated to my miracle boy soon.  And I would have missed a special night dedicated to my partner in this topsy turvy life.  Again, another post.  (Geez, I am really behind.)


  1. Well said, Amanda. You are bravely walking this road in the only shoes you can walk in - yours! I am proud of you.

    I look forward to reading the other posts you have coming soon. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers and if you need anything at all, please call or come by.

    We want to do something special in Daniel's honor. If you have any suggestions or requests, please let us know.
    Love, Prayers and Blessings to you!!

  2. I agree with Janet- well said, friend! I, too, am proud of you- for your honesty; for your trust in God, your one true stronghold in this whole mess; for your faith which never ceases to challenge me. I agree with you 100%- you can't measure your grief by the standards of others. What's normal, anyway? It's not normal to go through the circumstances you've been forced into, so why would your grieving fit into the nice, neat little boxes people place their own emotions into? I believe your continuous faith in God is a blessing and is not wrong. How WONDERFUL that you've kept your faith in Him! And how RIGHT it is!! (I mean, who understands the grief associated with the loss of a son better than He?) I wish more people (myself included) would follow the example you have so painstakingly laid out for us- trust God in all situations, because He is our one true, solid rock... Man, so many things I could say right now... But hey, suffice it to say, I love you and you are TOTALLY a superhero- but maybe not the Hulk... Too temperamental, and big... ;-)