It's been a long while since I have really committed to thinking and writing about life after Daniel-year 4. It's like mentally there is a hard stop in my brain and I can't formulate a thought, let alone get the time to type it all out. This month, however, the thoughts and the emotions are fizzing to the surface and the ever constant reminder through it all isn't allowing me to just push it down and address it later. There are pictures and words I have written in the past, a bystander walk through with another who is visiting the freshest parts of grief, and most recently a service dedicated to lamenting.
I have come along way since those moments where I did scream out in pain-a Mother's heart ripped from the very chest where her child had lain his head. I have walked a path that was filled with somber hurt, numbing thoughts, fear and failure. I have been at the very base of a mountain and in the deepest of the valleys. I have moved 4 years farther from time with my son and 4 years closer to him in the same seconds. I have ebbed and flowed in my nearness and distance with God. Never forgetting where my strength comes from but sometimes thinking I was strong enough without that power source.
It was the words written by David in Psalm 6 that I heard last night with ears longing to catch what my mind could not formulate.