There are just some things

Since the weather is turning cooler-at least for the moment; it is Missouri after all-I started going through the clothes change. I found some Batman Pjs that I honestly don't know how I got because I don't remember Daniel or Jake wearing them, but they fit Andrew now and he's thrilled. He is currently wearing them. I put Andrew down for his nap today and decided to see if I could find Daniels old Batman costume from Halloween a few years ago. I couldn't find it but I did come across Daniel's last pair of tennis shoes. I vaguely remember putting them in his box. Seeing them again was hard. I know it's just a pair of shoes but they were his and, like with all the things he uses to wear, some just hold more memories then other things. It's usually the things that capture his size at the time before he died. 

I am also trying to learn to allow Jake to handle more of Daniel's mementos. He is currently sleeping with an old football Emily and Tanner gave Daniel when he was born. I am really trying to understand that sometimes the tangible helps the memory and you know I desperately want Jake to always remember his big brother, so I am biting back the notion something will happen to the ball and allowing Jake the experience.  

His shoes and his ball coupled with the changes and smells of a fall that is quickly approaching  is really playing with my heart. Fall is a very special time for me and the early part always makes me miss him more. There are just some things that I don't know will ever get easier. 

Thankfully, I've leaned it is far better to embrace what I am feeling then to push it further down. A good cry tends to make it less consuming and writing it down does, too. It's a good acknowledgment of what I am experiencing and it doesn't overfill my cup so I can go about with daily life. 

And today is a good reminder to myself that I am only human.