August 2014

I have been waiting for this month all year. It's baby girl's birth month and Jake started Kindergarten. Now that August is here-and quickly ending!-I just cannot believe it. By far the most exciting event has been Jake starting school (little sister isn't here yet so we cannot count that ;) He was a champ and so very excited. He is attending a small town school-seriously, all three schools are in one grouping of buildings-but they have a true love for their students it seems. The school already knew Jake from the summer and remembered him and myself. I think it may be a "country school" thing but they offered students the chance to have summer school. We almost didn't do it but they offered after school care and I am so glad it all worked out. Jake got the chance to ride the bus to school in the morning and practice what it would be like to be in a school setting all day. It made his first day of Kindergarten perfect. He got on the bus like a pro and listened well in class. He wasn't afraid at all. I was much too excited seeing him so excited that it didn't fully hit me until I was dropping off Andrew at daycare. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw Jake's empty seat and realized I wouldn't be driving him to school anymore and he was officially out of my care for 8 hours a day. 

He has finished up his first full week this week. It's so much fun to look in his book bag at things he has completed and hear him talk about his day. We just need to work on having him eat more of his lunch. One day, he literally only ate raspberries. Ryan does a really good job making him yummy and healthy lunches so I think it's a matter of time management.  He has made a few friends and one rides the bus home with him in the afternoon so they sit together. His name is Cole and he has orange hair. Jake enjoys recess and runs the fastest and no one can catch him in his new Sketchers. I do worry later about Jake getting bored in class; the first assignment this week was to work on pencil holding and writing their first name, but I know that is something we can mention to the teacher at conferences. Jake has also started putting necks on his people drawings now and nike signs on shirts. I imagine he sits next to someone that has that on their shirt. And the North Carolina symbol. That was on a drawing, too. He loves to draw and color now.

Andrew has made the adjustment well. The first day he wanted to get on the bus with Jake, but now he is content to watch Jake get on the bus. I would say having only Andrew in my car makes the drive in and back quieter, but that child is anything but. He is constantly moving and talking and singing. I don't know how preschool teachers of 3 year olds do it daily. Andrew is still very much a boisterous, brute of a child with the sweetest hugs and kisses around. He has been pointing out letters and saying that's my name (as in, the letters he recognizes are in his name) and can count to 20 now. His favorite friend is still Austin, but he has been playing with Elena more. He loves to be a tiger and dinosaur and growls at complete strangers sometimes. Lately, he has had a bit of an attitude and has been working on expressing his feelings. Like, "You hurt my feelings" and "You don't take thing out of people's hands!" Oh, age 3. 

As of today, I am 38 weeks 3 days pregnant and feeling every day of it. She is much too comfortable in my uterus and I really think I am going to see my induction date on Wednesday. I never thought I would ever have to be induced but with family coming in to town next weekend, I made the decision she has to come out. We go too far in between months seeing one another and I cannot miss this opportunity. Plus, I just really, really, really want to meet her. As does everyone else :) She has hair and I cannot wait to see it!

So far, I have been pretty good with the change that is to come. In the back of my mind, I do worry about how I will feel seeing her and thinking of Daniel, but we plan on stopping by his spot once we leave the hospital so she can see her oldest brother and we can make Daniel a part of his sister's life. I know that stories will be shared about him so even though she will not meet him on this side, she will know he has been watching and is very much a part of her life from the other side. 

Andrew is 3

I am a little excited this is the first year he gets to participate in the birthday questions. Mostly because I just don't ever know what it coming out of that little mouth :)

Andrew. What can I say? You are currently singing "It's my birthday time, it's my birthday tiiiiiime" You looooove to sing. Everything. From Frozen songs to Wheels on the Bus, the Bubblebee song, ABC's, to really just about anything you can put in song. And you sing it with such gusto. In fact, everything you do is fully charged and loud. You are my most confrontational child. If there is something that can be disputed, even if it is blatently wrong, you will voice your opinion and stick with it. But often times, with a reasonable explanation, you are agreeable.
You are fierce. With your play, with how you love, with your work. You are the strongest pink ranger ever and have no problem keeping up with the big kids.  You are strong and can easily take down your brother.  Sometimes, you don't realize your strength when playing with kids your own age and have to be gently reminded. Planes and trains also are in your play favor. Along with Dinosaurs and bubbles.
You love hard. You're re still a Momma's boy through and through and will weasel your way in and make your presence known. You love hugs and kisses and share enthusiastically. While you can be shy around new people and cling, once you've established them into your life you make room for them so easily. While it can be a chore to get you do clean up your messes, when you set our mind to doing something, you work very hard. While we were putting up chicken fence you stepped in and did a fair share of raking and picking up. I am still amazed at how much your little body can do.
All of your life has been with Jake. Now that he is transitioning to big kids school, you are feeling a little lost. Riding in the car by yourself confuses you and you sometimes don't know how to play alone. However, as much love as there is, there is also so much fighting. The two of you play hard, love hard and fight hard. Sometimes, it's all I can do to count down till bed time.
You are a dirty child-a typical boy-but if you did not intentionally mean to get dirty, you hate it and must be washed off immediately.  And bandaids make every booboo better.
We started the potty training expedition around 2.5 and you have done a stellar job. Except when you want to be like the big kids and stand. Ive used many a Clorox wipe on walls, floors and the toilet. But, it's a small price when I don't have to buy diapers as much anymore. We still have some work to do with putting pants back on; you come out often with them backwards.
We recently signed you up for swim class and you've been a bit apprehensive. But recently, we swam in a pool with a puddle jumper on and you were like a fish-or, as you called yourself, a bird. I still don't know why; maybe the arm flapping? The face you had was priceless and you did so well maneuvering around.
Your Dad and I joke about how difficult it is going to be for me when baby sister comes and you have to share more of yourself, and while it is partly in jest, I do worry. You have been the baby the longest and there is something about you that makes any person want to give more of themselves.; so to say you've been spoiled is pretty accurate. I just pray you see this as a chance to share yourself with her and the transition goes ok. I am no fool, though, I know to make sure there is special time with you and I.
This 3rd year is already starting to be a bit go a struggle with tears (from both of us), tempers (also, both of us) and trying to understand more but no quite having the ability to do it. Even after going through this stage two times prior, I still pray for lots of patience, ways to work with you and for a fast year ;) You are going to have many changes this year and I look forward-tentatively sometimes-to what you will discover.
You are my baby boy, my little gift given during a time that I would never has foreseen, and I love you so much. Your smile is my favorite and that hair of yours I die over (especially when it's even the   tiniest bit mussed because then you get angry and call it crazy hair and I must fix it). My little sweet and sour patch kid, you keep me on my toes and wear me out but make it all better with your hugs and kisses. I love you so much and always will.

What is your favorite number?  
3
Who are your friends? 
Cassie, Elena, Austin, Soulmik
What is your favorite toy? 
Cars

What is your favorite food?  

Chicken nuggets
What is your favorite color?
Pink
What is your favorite thing to play outside? 
Toys
What is your favorite car? 
Pink car
What is your favorite book? 
Thomas book
What is your favorite animal? 
Elephants
What do you want to do when you grow up? 
Go night night
What is your favorite thing to do at school? 
Play
Who are your favorite teachers? 
Ms Cassie and Ms Kristen

Jake is 5

It doesn't seem like I should be writing how you're turning 5.

Jake, this has been my favorite year yet.  You are becoming such a little boy. While I thought I would miss the baby phase, this season in your life is so much fun. I am so proud of the little boy you are becoming. 

You have such little boy feet and hands. When we hold hands now, I cannot believe the strength the emanates from them.  They are so substantial now. And you have little muscles. Long gone is the chubbiness of being a toddler. Your angles are becoming sharper and you're getting more gangly. 
You have so many more words now and the conversations we can carry on still surprise me. Speaking of words, oh my goodness, how you love to learn. It's often I can pick you up from daycare and you're sitting and practicing writing. The teachers comment often how well your handwriting is; and it is really good. You can recognize so many words and read so much and that is probably one of my favorite milestones for you. Hearing your read words back to me when we have book time is amazing. You're really good at sounding them out, too. When we tested your for kindergarten (once I could pull you away from my side) you amazed the teachers with your counting, reading, reciting, and sounding out. And writing not just your first name, but your middle and last. To me that seemed normal, but I guess some cannot still. Your little mind is a sponge. Numbers are a favorite, too. You will ask to do work sheets with addition and use your resources to figure out the number. We will also work on it in the car and any chance we can do addition and subtraction, I take it. I want to sharpen your mind and since you love to do it anyway, it makes it more fun. You can count into the hundreds now, and probably more, and you were the only kid who could recognize what numbers were missing and what came next in class. You got a gift out of the treasure box for that. 

You are starting to become a leader and will direct play. You also like to boss around your brother and exert your big brother status. But, you can also be very timid. The rooster scares you and I must walk with you when we pass along his way. Your brother can take you on, but you're working on sticking up for yourself. Your feelings can get hurt easily and if something isn't done perfect the first time, you get discouraged. I just pray these characteristics special to you will grow for something great and never hinder you.

You are showing more of an interest in sports and like to throw a football and hit off a tee. Catching still is difficult for you. You also started taekwondo this year. For the most part you enjoy it. You can get distracted and misbehave in class, but usually because you're tired. Right now you will test for yellow first. While I know you probably won't go on to be some awesome fighter, it's fun to watch you learn and show your skills. You're getting much better at jumping jacks :)
We are starting to talk more about God and Jesus and what it means to have Him in your heart. I never want to pressure you into making such a big decision in allowing Him into your heart, but each time we talk you seem to understand more of what that means.  I cannot wait for the day you make the decision; and I definitely want it on your time. You are still so much a little child in the way you can think, but some of the things you say and understand are much bigger then your years.
This next year will bring about many changes for you. You start Kindergarden, will make new friends and come home with so much more knowledge,  and add a little sister, but I know you will adjust just fine. You love life and love abundantly and I am so thankful for you. 

Jake's 5 year interview

What is your favorite number?  
5
Who are your friends? 
Zachary, Drew, Varun, Sean, Alex, Ethan and Noah (he was correcting me on spelling :)
What is your favorite toy? 

 Megaforce phone

What is your favorite food?  

Chicken, cheese and corn on the bone

What is your favorite color?

Red and blue and black

What is your favorite thing to play outside? 

Power Rangers and playing with my super megaforce phone

What is your favorite car? 

Mustang

What is your favorite book? 

Lightening McQueen

What is your favorite animal? 

Dinosaurs-T rex and Spinosaurus

What do you want to do when you grow up? 

Police man

What is your favorite thing to do at school? 

Do work (I love work)

Who are your favorite teachers? 

Ms Chris and Ms Lauren and Ms Monica

Jake's 4 year

Jake's 3 year

I think I stared at the title bar of this for a full 5 minutes just trying to figure out how to title this post. So far, I have, "yes, it's really been almost 5 months since I have posted", "where to begin" and "I'm pregnant"

I guess I can start with the most shocking and surprising. Pregnant. With a baby. Something I never thought I would ever experience again. Something Ryan is still grappling with 23 weeks later. I've become a statistic now. A baby made due to user error-and divinely gifted down to us by a God who sees so much more then I can-especially at the moment the line turned positive. I guess that is a big reason it's taken this long to write. Many of my thoughts were not of one that would be incredibly elated at baby news. I struggled with anxiety, stress, happiness, sadness, worry and elation-and frankly, still do. They have a name for a baby after a stillbirth or a miscarriage, but what is a baby after a toddler loss? How does one come to terms with a baby who was never thought of but suddenly so important to a mother heart?  How can one try to explain the prayers cried out to a God of, 

"I know it's already been decided, but Lord, I don't know if I could handle it being a boy, please help me if it is" or relying on 2 Cor 10:5 to take captive every thought of fear because loss is no longer something I am immune to. My heart cannot be broken again and satan drew me captive feeding off my worry and doubt. Or how can one explain, that in all of that mess, this baby is a lifeline for those that still hurt. This baby will be restoring wounds that need healing? That this baby is a welcomed little sister for one little guy who kept asking for one. 

Sometimes I can barely explain it myself, so I knew there was no way I could write about it yet. 

But tonight I sit, urged over news of someone who lost a child, to write.  Write what specifically, I do not know; I just know I need to write words. I guess to show that I am still alive-a living, breathing beautiful mess of a grieving/pregnant/tired/joyful mother. I guess to write that in the midst of some of the hardest moments of a life, there is hope. It may not come in a package to ever be expected, but it's there gifted in ways only God knows will heal and help. That life is ever changing and to hold on; that there are moments that do not look so pretty, but are there to help make the next moments shine with glory. I guess to write most importantly, that faith in God will always be tested and stretched and questioned but always to know He has the story written and to rely on Him to help lay the chapters out. That the ending He has written is far more beautiful then anything played out prior. 

I guess I write for me, for this little girl growing in me, for mother's, for those that hurt or are searching, for those the need raw words and no sugar coating, for those that need assurance in the One who loves with everlasting faithfulness. For the one on my mind and in the prayers from my lips. You are loved, you are held, you will make it.

2013: A year in review

It's hard to believe I am even here sitting down to summarize 2013. This year has flown more then the previous few years.


In January, we spent some old fashioned quality time together as a family going bowling. I still suck and Jake still talks about how much he loves bowling.  We also went through a tough spot with Jake. I didn't think we would ever make it out of the 3's all in one piece, but we did and 4's is so much fun.

In February, we experienced sickness after sickness after sickness, first febrile seizures, and I got a life lesson from God.  I also went on a Mommy-Jake date and it was so much fun to have some special time with him. He looked so cute.

In March, we closed on our new house and prepared to make many new family memories. I had a breakdown after closing not realizing how much this big step made me miss Daniel so much. I also took the time to deactivate my Facebook account and focus on more real time. 

In April, I began a journey towards a new kind of peace and learning more about my little family. I experienced God on a deeply personal and very tangible level. I began to understand the love of family so much more and the men tried their hand at eating smores. 

In May, we had much to celebrate. Jake turned 4, Mother's Day drew upon us again and Mason made his first visit to Missouri. We also had the fun privilege of getting to watch our Chickens grow and enjoy the weather. And I not so patiently waited for them to start the egg laying process.

In June, Andrew turned 2. Ryan went above and beyond to make our boys smile, and I revisited Job again. This time, gleaning so much more. 

In July, my Grams came to visit, Jake experienced fireworks from behind a glass door and Andrew gave us the funniest video to date. We also marked a 2 year milestone and had to talk about some ugly stuff. But, like always, we came out stronger because God is always on our side. 

In August, my Dad turned 50, I celebrated 28 and Jake started Pre K. 

In September, a new pet found it's way to us, old friends and birthday buddies came to visit and Jake started Taekwondo. I also reflected on 9/11.

In October, I had 2 superheros, the Chickens started laying, we made our annual trip to The Great Pumpkin Patch with life friends, and I continued learning about the importance of family. 

In November,  I experienced falling leaves on 3.5 acres and Mase celebrated turning 1.

In December, I celebrated Daniel's 6th birthday in Church. I cried-hard. It was a deep, painful cry that, once finished, renewed me. Christmas was one of the best I have had in awhile. It gave me hope that the season didn't always have to be so hard. I reflected on family, rejoiced in the love we all have for one another, and watched Jake begin to understand what the meaning of the season was about. His favorite part was still the presents :)

Happy 6th birthday, Daniel

I am struggling to write this letter, Bubby. It's hard when I think I am passing through another birthday with you; one that totals the amount of birthdays I did get to have with you. I miss you. A lot. It's not really even a miss of things that I am missing out on. It's more a miss of the things I know I would have taken for granted. Like how tall you would be now. Watching you get ready for school or interact with your brothers or cleaning up after you and doing your laundry. Sometimes I struggle with feeling cheated and not wanting to wish you back at the same time. It is in my heart that I know you possess a joy right now that is even beyond my comprehension. And that a birthday in Heaven must rock. So, it's in those moments where I reach deep inside and find small snatches of your presence here. 

Your eyes are in Andrew. Your memories are in Jake. You gave me my roses in my car when I felt so far away from you.  You are in every single song I hear singing of God. In your daddy's love for his children. In sitting near Grandpa and Grandma in church. In each picture that passes through my frame at work; bringing back so many good memories. You are there in the moments when I share opening and closing the garage door with your brothers. When I watch Jake pour over an Autotrader the same way your poured over the garage door manual. You are in my heart. In my words when I type. You are in my testimony to how great a God I have. You are in my prayers.  You are in each "like" on Facebook; continuing to show that while you may be gone from here, you are still real. You are in each egg I eat and sip of tea I drink. Just remembering all the times you dumped it onto your floor. You are there each time I get ready for work. Sitting there watching me and wanting to try my make up. You are in the monkeys on Andrew's bed and the football in Jake's room. You are there with each candle I light. You are sharing Christmas with us, placed on our tree. And you will be in each person closet to me today while we all remember how special you are on your special day. You have taught me so much, baby, and becoming your Mother was the greatest gift I have ever received.
I love you very much. happy 6th, birthday, sweet boy.

Andrew and 2

Andrew and I have not had such a great week. Ryan and I had a sinking suspicion Andrew was going to be more of a challenge at 2 then Daniel and Jake when he was born, and the premonition is coming to fruition. Andrew does not do anything at 50%. He's an all or nothing kinda kid. Which is great-most of the time. This past week he's been loud, he's been emotional, he's been hitting, screaming, and crying. He can't sit still. He doesn't understand no or wait or that's Jake's. He slammed the fridge door and broke glass bottles and at that point I stood there and just started crying. After a night of trying to keep him entertained at Jake's taekwondo class (I broke down and got the kid ice cream too just to placate him) eventually having to raise my voice, I just lost it.

He is 2. I'm not new to this Mommy business. I get that he doesn't understand I was already having a hard time before. (It's that season again. Missing Daniel a lot) But I am human. And my limit was done. I thought to myself, how am I going to make it another year with his emotional lability? 

And then this morning while I was changing him for school, he jumps into my lap, grabs me in a hug only Andrew can do (arms wrapped around the neck, snuggled into me) and says, "oves you, Mommy". In that moment, I got just enough strength to know I'll make it through this trying time. And I will continue to love on that little boy even when his attitude makes me want to scream. He's my special, special guy and that bond that we share is still very present. And that cannot change despite age 2 or 3 and whatever else the growing years will bring.